A Beslan mother's impossible choice
By CNN's Ryan Chilcote
 |  Photos of Alana evoke painful memories for Anetta. "My darling, mommy didn't protect you." |
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|  VIDEO |
 A mother's choice: Take one child away from harm but leave another.
 Footage taken by hostage takers inside the school gym.
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BESLAN, Russia (CNN) -- After more than 24 hours in captivity in Beslan School No. 1 with her two daughters, Anetta had to make a choice.
The hostage-takers had struck a deal with a Russian negotiator to let a small group of mothers leave the school with their infants, but any older children would have to stay.
Anetta pleaded with terrorists to leave her behind, and let her 9-year-old take 1-year-old Milena out instead.
There was to be no compromise, either she went with the infant or no one would be released.
"My bigger daughter looked at me and every time, every time I see her eyes."
Her elder daughter Alana started to cry.
"I looked at my daughter, my big daughter. 'Alana you are clever girl. You wait,' I told her."
The last time she saw Alana alive was as she left the school with a group of other mothers, many of whom had to make a similar choice.
Twenty-four-hours later, Alana was still a hostage -- sleeping, a survivor said, when one of the terrorists' bombs went off.
"When the blast went off, she must have gotten up and started running away because she had a bullet in her neck," Anetta says.
Every morning, Anetta goes to the memorial cemetery. Every morning, she seeks forgiveness.
"My darling," she says, "Mommy didn't protect you. Mommy didn't save you. I left you there. I thought all three of us would die if we stayed. Why don't you come to me in my dreams?"
Two years ago, Alana was a star of her class. She spoke to graduating students. The words she said then now have new meaning.
"This is the last time I will sing for you," she said. "I will remain in the school to live, and for you will I remain the past."
From her apartment's balcony view of the school, Anetta struggles with a decision that freed two lives, but forever made her a hostage of her choice.
