Skip to main content

Apparently This Matters: Doritos Locos Tacos

Jarrett Bellini writes a humor column on trending topics online for CNN Tech.
Jarrett Bellini writes a humor column on trending topics online for CNN Tech.
  • CNN's Jarrett Bellini deciphers the online fuss over Doritos Locos Tacos
  • More than 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos have been sold
  • Doritos Locos Tacos could "dethrone" the Crunchwrap
  • Taco Bell recommends a Classic Limeade Sparkler with the meal

Editor's note: Each week in "Apparently This Matters," CNN's Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media.

(CNN) -- It was Tuesday evening when I happened upon a popular link to a story on The Consumerist website praising the record-breaking success of Doritos Locos Tacos at Taco Bell, which has now sold more than 100 million crunchy, nacho-cheesy bundles of love.

One hundred million! Think about it. At about 6 inches long, if you stacked each of these 100 million tacos lengthwise from end to end, you would be ... doing something very pointless.

Now, for those of you who haven't actually seen a Doritos Locos Taco in person (i.e. productive citizens who don't drink past 2:30 in the morning) they're just what they sound like. Tacos ... wrapped in shells ... made from giant Doritos. It's amazing! It's culinary Xanadu! It's as if Taco Bell's marketing executives were poking around in my dreams.

(Note: I dream about Doritos and tacos. And lately there's also been a lot of gnomes. Things are weird at home.)

As I write this, it's 10:13 a.m. on Wednesday. Early as it may be, I feel I can't properly do this column justice without having at least one of these tacos in front of me, allowing partially hydrogenated soybean oil to be my muse. (Which is a slight departure from the 4,000 ounces of Diet Coke I usually look to for inspiration.)

So, you all hang tight. I'm heading downstairs to the food court and putting you on hold for a moment. (click)

Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say I really don't think you're strong enough.

(click) I'm back and I am so sorry for that. It's the only radio station we get here. But it could be worse, I once dropped five dollars in a jukebox, played Cher's "Believe" on repeat with all my credits, and walked out. It's probably the meanest thing I've ever done in my entire life. So, overall, I don't think I'm such a bad guy.

Useless to society, yes. Otherwise, mostly harmless.

Apparently This Matters: $1,300 HDMI cables

But let's get back to these tacos. The Consumerist cites an article by Nancy Luna in the Orange County Register that says this has been the "most successful product launch in Taco Bell's 50-year history." The article then quotes a Taco Bell spokesman who says the Crunchwrap has finally been "dethroned."

Which is more than a little unsettling.

Look, I'm just saying, if you represent Taco Bell, perhaps using the word "throne" isn't the smartest idea.

Nevertheless, I'm proud to say that I am one of the millions who have helped the Doritos Locos Tacos become absolute world-beaters. I don't love them, but I do love the idea. It screams "America!" as I proudly shed a single red, white and blue teardrop. It's also possible that I have eye-herpes. Is that a thing?

Anyway, I spent some time on the Taco Bell website today, mostly because it was a nice departure from doing actual work, and learned that they recommend you eat one of these with a Classic Limeade Sparkler. Someone received payment for pondering this pairing, and I'm sort of bummed that it wasn't me. Thus, I have to ask: How does one become the official Taco Bell sommelier?

"Hi, Jim. Thanks for coming in. Tell us, what makes you uniquely qualified for this position?"

"The ability to point at things on your menu."

One hundred million tacos or not, sentiments on the Fark comment section for this link seemed to generally agree that, after about ten weeks of being in stores, Doritos Locos Tacos get an overall grade of: Meh.

User Wade_Wilson wrote: Tried one. Don't see what all the fuss is about. Barely even tasted the Dorito.

VideoGamePlaya agrees: I have eaten 8 of those loco tacos and they aint all that. if i am goin Mexican i prefer chipotle.

And when Mexicans are going Mexican, they prefer... actual Mexican.

But might I also suggest a 2012 Classic Limeade Sparkler?

Part of complete coverage on
Apparently This Matters...
August 18, 2014 -- Updated 0225 GMT (1025 HKT)
"What does this thing do?"
August 8, 2014 -- Updated 1748 GMT (0148 HKT)
Despite all the political tension in Crimea, it's nice to know things are still safe enough at the zoo for a zebra to get it on with a donkey.
August 2, 2014 -- Updated 0141 GMT (0941 HKT)
Justin Sylvester's wife is pregnant. With a baby.
July 27, 2014 -- Updated 0010 GMT (0810 HKT)
There's a famous scene in the movie "Titanic" where Rose turns to Jack and says, "I want you to draw me like one of your French girls."
July 18, 2014 -- Updated 2015 GMT (0415 HKT)
For several months in 2003, I did the whole European backpacker thing. Which is to say I've seen nearly every cathedral within 1,000 square miles of the Danube.
July 11, 2014 -- Updated 1917 GMT (0317 HKT)
The other day I saw a death metal band hanging out by their tour van in the parking lot behind a club. They were all dressed in black, and may or may not have been working on lyrics to a new song about fire and lamb meat.
June 23, 2014 -- Updated 1305 GMT (2105 HKT)
There are two good reasons to own a giant trampoline.
June 13, 2014 -- Updated 2251 GMT (0651 HKT)
I would love to say my dog is intellectually qualified to be a service animal. But he's not. There's barely enough brainpower there to be a lamp.
June 8, 2014 -- Updated 1523 GMT (2323 HKT)
I've never really needed an extra ear.
June 4, 2014 -- Updated 2032 GMT (0432 HKT)
I never actually caught a glimpse of the Tooth Fairy when I was young, but she was definitely real and in cahoots with my mom. This, due to the fact that I never woke up to find a Nintendo.
May 23, 2014 -- Updated 1957 GMT (0357 HKT)
Have you ever seen a man running in a marathon, bleeding from his nipples?
May 16, 2014 -- Updated 1952 GMT (0352 HKT)
Brace yourselves, because this week's story is about sperm and poop.
May 9, 2014 -- Updated 2125 GMT (0525 HKT)
I once stayed at a youth hostel in Copenhagen called Sleep in Heaven. Which sounds quite pleasant until you realize that, apparently, heaven is cold and damp and completely infested with bedbugs.
May 4, 2014 -- Updated 1443 GMT (2243 HKT)
I'm not a violent man. Short, self-doubting gingers tend not to be the fiercest of creatures.
April 29, 2014 -- Updated 1332 GMT (2132 HKT)
For a long time it feels like we haven't seen much of Ronald McDonald. Not for nothing, but I heard he shanked Grimace in a back alley somewhere down in Mexico.
April 18, 2014 -- Updated 1644 GMT (0044 HKT)
I haven't had a single Diet Coke in 2014. It was a conscious health decision, and the only real side effect, now, is that the world is awful and I hate everything.
April 4, 2014 -- Updated 2120 GMT (0520 HKT)
The art of preparing, stuffing, and mounting animal skins is called taxidermy, and it can range from classy to creepy depending on whether your subject is a moose, or, say, a homeless drifter.
May 1, 2014 -- Updated 1632 GMT (0032 HKT)
The July 21, 1969, headline of the New York Times read, "MEN WALK ON MOON."
March 25, 2014 -- Updated 1655 GMT (0055 HKT)
I once uploaded an Instagram of me at Old Navy trying to get all kissy-face with a mannequin. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but she was rather unresponsive.
March 7, 2014 -- Updated 2213 GMT (0613 HKT)
I use a Keurig coffee machine at home because I'm lazy. And, quite frankly, don't feel like I've really done my duty to God and country until I've added a little something to the landfill.
February 28, 2014 -- Updated 1838 GMT (0238 HKT)
I wouldn't necessarily call myself a true germaphobe, but if entering a domestic partnership with a bottle of Purell were legal I'd certainly consider it.