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Apparently This Matters: Doritos Locos Tacos

Jarrett Bellini writes a humor column on trending topics online for CNN Tech.
Jarrett Bellini writes a humor column on trending topics online for CNN Tech.
  • CNN's Jarrett Bellini deciphers the online fuss over Doritos Locos Tacos
  • More than 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos have been sold
  • Doritos Locos Tacos could "dethrone" the Crunchwrap
  • Taco Bell recommends a Classic Limeade Sparkler with the meal

Editor's note: Each week in "Apparently This Matters," CNN's Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media.

(CNN) -- It was Tuesday evening when I happened upon a popular link to a story on The Consumerist website praising the record-breaking success of Doritos Locos Tacos at Taco Bell, which has now sold more than 100 million crunchy, nacho-cheesy bundles of love.

One hundred million! Think about it. At about 6 inches long, if you stacked each of these 100 million tacos lengthwise from end to end, you would be ... doing something very pointless.

Now, for those of you who haven't actually seen a Doritos Locos Taco in person (i.e. productive citizens who don't drink past 2:30 in the morning) they're just what they sound like. Tacos ... wrapped in shells ... made from giant Doritos. It's amazing! It's culinary Xanadu! It's as if Taco Bell's marketing executives were poking around in my dreams.

(Note: I dream about Doritos and tacos. And lately there's also been a lot of gnomes. Things are weird at home.)

As I write this, it's 10:13 a.m. on Wednesday. Early as it may be, I feel I can't properly do this column justice without having at least one of these tacos in front of me, allowing partially hydrogenated soybean oil to be my muse. (Which is a slight departure from the 4,000 ounces of Diet Coke I usually look to for inspiration.)

So, you all hang tight. I'm heading downstairs to the food court and putting you on hold for a moment. (click)

Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say I really don't think you're strong enough.

(click) I'm back and I am so sorry for that. It's the only radio station we get here. But it could be worse, I once dropped five dollars in a jukebox, played Cher's "Believe" on repeat with all my credits, and walked out. It's probably the meanest thing I've ever done in my entire life. So, overall, I don't think I'm such a bad guy.

Useless to society, yes. Otherwise, mostly harmless.

Apparently This Matters: $1,300 HDMI cables

But let's get back to these tacos. The Consumerist cites an article by Nancy Luna in the Orange County Register that says this has been the "most successful product launch in Taco Bell's 50-year history." The article then quotes a Taco Bell spokesman who says the Crunchwrap has finally been "dethroned."

Which is more than a little unsettling.

Look, I'm just saying, if you represent Taco Bell, perhaps using the word "throne" isn't the smartest idea.

Nevertheless, I'm proud to say that I am one of the millions who have helped the Doritos Locos Tacos become absolute world-beaters. I don't love them, but I do love the idea. It screams "America!" as I proudly shed a single red, white and blue teardrop. It's also possible that I have eye-herpes. Is that a thing?

Anyway, I spent some time on the Taco Bell website today, mostly because it was a nice departure from doing actual work, and learned that they recommend you eat one of these with a Classic Limeade Sparkler. Someone received payment for pondering this pairing, and I'm sort of bummed that it wasn't me. Thus, I have to ask: How does one become the official Taco Bell sommelier?

"Hi, Jim. Thanks for coming in. Tell us, what makes you uniquely qualified for this position?"

"The ability to point at things on your menu."

One hundred million tacos or not, sentiments on the Fark comment section for this link seemed to generally agree that, after about ten weeks of being in stores, Doritos Locos Tacos get an overall grade of: Meh.

User Wade_Wilson wrote: Tried one. Don't see what all the fuss is about. Barely even tasted the Dorito.

VideoGamePlaya agrees: I have eaten 8 of those loco tacos and they aint all that. if i am goin Mexican i prefer chipotle.

And when Mexicans are going Mexican, they prefer... actual Mexican.

But might I also suggest a 2012 Classic Limeade Sparkler?

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