Skip to main content
Part of complete coverage from

Time to protect America from zombies!

By Dean Obeidallah, Special to CNN
February 19, 2013 -- Updated 0047 GMT (0847 HKT)
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • Canadian politicians said Canada will not tolerate an influx of zombies
  • Dean Obeidallah: America needs to wake up and get ready for the growing zombie threat
  • Zombies far outlive humans, so they will be a great drain on Medicare, he writes
  • He says we can't allow zombie amnesty and give zombies an easier path to citizenship

Editor's note: Dean Obeidallah, a former attorney, is a political comedian and frequent commentator on various TV networks including CNN. He is the editor of the politics blog "The Dean's Report" and co-director of the upcoming documentary, "The Muslims Are Coming!" Follow him on Twitter: @deanofcomedy.

(CNN) -- While America slept -- or at least while the left ate their organic ostrich burgers, drank their jackfruit-guava-flavored vitamin water and tweeted "cleverly" about Marco Rubio's "Watergate" -- Canada was preparing to counter a growing threat to the nation.

Patriotic members of the Canadian Parliament stood up to political correctness last week by declaring that Canada will not tolerate an influx of zombies. Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird even went as far as to boldly state that "Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever."

Of course, the lamestream media didn't cover this story. They prefer you worry about things like meteors and cruise ships instead of a growing zombie threat.

Dean Obeidallah
Dean Obeidallah

But it's time for Americans to wake up! Canada's zombie preparedness means one thing for us: Zombies will be driven out of Canada and into the United States. And once they are here, good luck getting them out of the country.

'The Walking Dead': Five explosive moments

Sure, some will argue that we can make conditions so tough for zombies that they will self-deport. But I'm not buying it. Why? A few reasons. One, zombies have no sense of direction. Sure, you can point zombies in the direction of Canada and hope they keep walking as a pack over the border, but they're easily distracted.

Become a fan of CNNOpinion
Stay up to date on the latest opinion, analysis and conversations through social media. Join us at Facebook/CNNOpinion and follow us @CNNOpinion on Twitter. We welcome your ideas and comments.



Second, Americans are fatter than Canadians, which means we are more appealing for zombies to eat than our slimmer northern neighbors.

Third, and most important, America is the greatest country in the world, so why would a zombie want to live anywhere else?!

I know some will dismiss me as an alarmist, but I wonder how you will feel when one these zombies steals your job.

Sure, zombie expert Max Brooks, author of the books "The Zombie Survival Guide" and "World War Z," informed me that zombies can't be trained to take our jobs. But I have two things to say about Brooks.

One, he's part of the liberal Hollywood elite who tries to sell us on the notion that zombies aren't a threat to our nation's exceptionalism. Check out the recent Hollywood film "Warm Bodies," which is a romantic comedy about a girl falling in love with a zombie. Sorry, Max and Hollywood: Zombies don't need a hug; they need a swift kick out of our country.

Hackers blast 'dead bodies rising' on TV
Why have an obsession with zombies?
CNN Trends: Zombies get ratings, warning

What it takes to make a 'Walking Dead' zombie

Second, just because zombies aren't skilled enough to take our jobs today, what about in the future? The zombie virus could mutate, and before you know it, some undead person is doing your job for half the pay. I, for one, don't want to tell a red-blooded American human kid that his dream of being of a dog-walker is over because some zombie learned how to hold a leash.

Plus, keep in mind that if even only a few zombies make it over the border, these "anchor zombies" will create more and more zombies. This is a threat to our very existence. I'm not just talking the danger of them eating our brains, which could happen. I'm talking about the greater risk they pose to our federal deficit because they will want handouts from our government.

It's just a matter of time until Gov. Andrew Cuomo of New York or House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says zombies should receive government benefits. How long after that do you think it will be until these people argue that zombies should be covered under Obamacare?! Keep in mind that zombies far outlive humans, so they will be a great drain on Medicare.

Why zombies, robots, clowns freak us out

And we all know where this is all ultimately leading. Two words: zombie amnesty. The living dead will then have an easier path to citizenship than the living.

Brooks and I did agree that we need the federal government to respond to the dangers posed by an influx of zombies. (While I'm usually against new government programs, I do support any that will benefit me directly.)

But Brooks, in typical liberal fashion, advocates a coordinated global response to the zombie threat. Nice try, Max, but that's just another ploy by you and your elitist friends to get us to give up control of our nation to the United Nations. Not on my watch, buddy.

I see these zombies for what they truly are: un-American. They don't speak English, they don't share our values, and they eat human beings. Plus, they're probably all liberals. After all, you can't be pro-life if you eat people.

I hope my fellow Americans wake up before it's too late. We need to secure our borders now before we talk about allowing any zombie reform legislation allowing them to enter or remain in our country. If not, then I hope the Rosetta Stone starts teaching us how to speak zombie, because we are all going to need it.

Follow us on Twitter @CNNOpinion.

Join us on Facebook/CNNOpinion.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Dean Obeidallah.

ADVERTISEMENT
Part of complete coverage on
October 31, 2014 -- Updated 1819 GMT (0219 HKT)
As a woman whose parents had cancer, I have quite a few things to say about dying with dignity.
October 31, 2014 -- Updated 1304 GMT (2104 HKT)
David Gergen says he'll have a special eye on a few particular races in Tuesday's midterms that may tell us about our long-term future.
October 31, 2014 -- Updated 1452 GMT (2252 HKT)
What's behind the uptick in clown sightings? And why the fascination with them? It could be about the economy.
October 31, 2014 -- Updated 1301 GMT (2101 HKT)
Midterm elections don't usually have the same excitement as presidential elections. That should change, writes Sally Kohn.
October 30, 2014 -- Updated 1539 GMT (2339 HKT)
Mike Downey says the Giants and the Royals both lived through long title droughts. What teams are waiting for a win?
October 30, 2014 -- Updated 1832 GMT (0232 HKT)
Mel Robbins says if a man wants to talk to a woman on the street, he should follow 3 basic rules.
October 29, 2014 -- Updated 2103 GMT (0503 HKT)
Peter Bergen and David Sterman say more terrorism plots are disrupted by families than by NSA surveillance.
October 29, 2014 -- Updated 2125 GMT (0525 HKT)
Time magazine has clearly kicked up a hornet's nest with its downright insulting cover headlined "Rotten Apples," says Donna Brazile.
October 29, 2014 -- Updated 2055 GMT (0455 HKT)
Leroy Chiao says the failure of the launch is painful but won't stop the trend toward commercializing space.
October 29, 2014 -- Updated 1145 GMT (1945 HKT)
Timothy Stanley: Though Jeb Bush has something to offer, another Bush-Clinton race would be a step backward.
October 28, 2014 -- Updated 1237 GMT (2037 HKT)
Errol Louis says forced to choose between narrow political advantage and the public good, the governors showed they are willing to take the easy way out over Ebola.
October 27, 2014 -- Updated 1803 GMT (0203 HKT)
Eric Liu says with our family and friends and neighbors, each one of us must decide what kind of civilization we expect in the United States. It's our responsibility to set tone and standards, with our laws and norms
October 27, 2014 -- Updated 1145 GMT (1945 HKT)
Sally Kohn says the UNC report highlights how some colleges exploit student athletes while offering little in return
October 26, 2014 -- Updated 1904 GMT (0304 HKT)
Terrorists don't represent Islam, but Muslims must step up efforts to counter some of the bigotry within the world of Islam, says Fareed Zakaria
October 24, 2014 -- Updated 1302 GMT (2102 HKT)
Scott Yates says extending Daylight Saving Time could save energy, reduce heart attacks and get you more sleep
October 27, 2014 -- Updated 0032 GMT (0832 HKT)
Reza Aslan says the interplay between beliefs and actions is a lot more complicated than critics of Islam portray
ADVERTISEMENT