Paris vs New York: Who wins? – THE MOOD: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's cooler to say "No." It gives you instant power and a general aura of superiority. "Will you be my Facebook friend?" "No." Hmmm, feels good (please note, I definitely will be your Facebook friend).
"No people" are like the cats of the human world, whereas "Yes people" are like the eager-to-please dogs, mindlessly bounding into things, both charming and infuriating us with their reckless behavior. And in this world, don't you just need a bit of both? One point to each city.
Score: Paris 2, New York 3.
Paris vs New York: Who wins? – THE CRAZE: Quick French lesson: "Pret-a-porter" means ready-to-wear, as in off-the-rack, as in factory-made fashion available in your size. Quick English lesson: "Fashion Week" means beautiful models with no eyebrows/big eyebrows, all-night parties, and "frow" envy (that's "front row" for the rest of us).
Judging by these pictures they're pretty much the same thing, except one has a monstrously large model who may or may not have eyebrows. Let's go with the French one.
Score: Paris 5, New York 3.
Paris vs New York: Who wins? – THE BEAT: This is a bit unfair, isn't it? One is a pop duo who may or may not have faces, and the other is a music genre stretching decades and encompassing some of the most extraordinary chest hair and thrusting the world has ever known.
That said, fashion is all about what's new and cool -- or at the very least ironic -- so that still rules out both camps. If you want to retain any credibility this year, don't put "Get Lucky" on at a house party, and don't say the word "funky" unless referring to an unpleasant odor. No points to either.
Score: Paris 5, New York, 4.
Paris vs New York: Who wins? – THE DRINK: Call me a stickler, but if a city is going to have a signature beverage it could at least come from that city. Sometimes the clue is in the name, in this case Bordeaux being from Bordeaux -- that charming wine growing region in the south west of France and roughly 600 kilometers from anything vaguely Parisian.
Whereas Cosmo, as everyone knows, is an area of New York just above Sex and the City Street, and below Manolo Blahnik Boulevard. And just look at that fancy garnish.
Score: Paris 5, New York 5.
Paris vs New York: Who wins? – THE FAÇADE: The ornate window sills, the delicate stone work, the lack of fire escapes...Parisian architecture is like walking into a dream with no way out.
Sure, New York's modern brick buildings have a more brutish character. They're brazen, they're raw, the ladders kind of remind me of a body turned inside-out. But isn't it great how the very thing that makes them edgy, also makes them safe? Winner.
Score: Paris 5, New York 6.
Paris vs New York: Who wins? – THE SNOW: "The first thing I remember from New York is the amount of snow, because I was there during wintertime," artist Vahram Muratyan said of this picture. "We don't have that in Paris. We don't have one meter of snow in the city -- we have one meter in the Alps where you go skiing."
Murayan makes an important point. Snow is handy for sports. Less so, when trying to park your car.
Score: Paris 8, New York 6.
Paris vs New York: Who wins? – THE STYLE: This essentially comes down to your preference for blue stripes or red ones. Obviously Jean Paul Gaultier is a big fan of the blue variety. As was Pablo Picasso and Audrey Hepburn.
I can't even find a photo of Ralph Lauren wearing red stripes on the internet. If you can, then I might be convinced. But otherwise, this culture clash is signed, sealed, and delivered with a kiss: Paris wins!
Score: Paris 10, New York 6.