Skip to main content

Apparently This Matters: Congratulations! It's a ... zonkey?

New baby zonkey Telegraph hangs out with his zebra mom at the Taigan zoo park in southern Crimea. Strange. No sign of his deadbeat donkey dad. What an ass. New baby zonkey Telegraph hangs out with his zebra mom at the Taigan zoo park in southern Crimea. Strange. No sign of his deadbeat donkey dad. What an ass.
HIDE CAPTION
Zonkey: Half zebra, half donkey
Zonkey: Half zebra, half donkey
Zonkey: Half zebra, half donkey
Zonkey: Half zebra, half donkey
Zonkey: Half zebra, half donkey
<<
<
1
2
3
4
5
>
>>
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • A baby zonkey was recently born at a zoo in Crimea
  • The mother was a zebra, and the father was a donkey
  • The newborn is named Telegraph in honor of a local newspaper

Editor's note: Each week in "Apparently This Matters," CNN's Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media and random items of interest on the Web.

(CNN) -- Despite all the political tension in Crimea, it's nice to know things are still safe enough at the zoo for a zebra to get it on with a donkey.

Because, really, in some weird, small way, it's a symbol of hope. Like an olive branch. Except, in this case, it's a zebra ... getting it on with a donkey.

But as odd as it may sound, things (ahem) worked out, and now we have an adorable new reminder of what can happen when we put aside our differences for the shared goal of peace and love.

And Doing It.

That living, breathing reminder is a beautiful baby "zonkey" named Telegraph, who recently came into the world at the Taigan Zoo park near Crimea's main city, Simferopol.

\
"Apparently This Matters" Is Jarrett Bellini's weekly (and somewhat random) look at social-media trends.

Of course, a zonkey is just what it sounds like. Half zebra. Half donkey. Possibly even part lion depending on what kind of shenanigans were going on inside the stall.

(And if you accept my rather misguided understanding of how conception works.)

But one thing that's perfectly clear is that this little guy is ridiculously cute. And everyone is talking about him.

So, it sort of makes sense that Telegraph was named for a local newspaper, honoring the publication's fifth anniversary. Though, when you think about it, that may or may not be a compliment to the publication.

"Congrats. We named an ass after you."

Either way, Telegraph is just lucky to be alive. Although cross-breeding of equines is not unheard of, it is rather rare and unconventional. And proper zoos aren't overly keen on the idea.

Photos: Zonkeys and ligers and pizzles

But this facility says that toying with nature was never a part of the plan.

You see, Telegraph's mother -- the zebra -- was uncomfortable in her enclosure and had been without a mate for quite a while. Presumably, she spent most of her time being bitter with the other single girls in book club.

Eventually, the zoo moved the lonely zebra into a different part of the complex where she could be surrounded by other hoofed animals.

This included her dream donkey.

Mind you, it's also possible that she was simply desperate and the donkey was drunk.

"I like your stripes."

"What?"

"I SAID I LIKE YOUR STRIPES!"

No matter how it all went down, we're all thankful. Because now we have this silly looking thing with a brown upper body and zebra legs. And visitors to the zoo are absolutely loving him.

Of course, to be fair, all baby animals tend to be a big draw. Especially when you look like you've been pieced together with spare parts.

Think about it.

An adorable baby polar bear with a tortoise shell would pretty much stop the world from spinning. Darwin would be cheering from his grave. And scientists might go crazy trying to figure out just how the hell that actually happened.

Now, picture them with tortoise shells.
Now, picture them with tortoise shells.

Steve would finally own up to it.

"I'm sorry! I was bored. I fed them bourbon."

But, no matter the species, whenever you get a cute baby cross-breed, you sort of have to enjoy it while you can. Generally speaking, hybrid animals don't reproduce.

They tend to be infertile.

(It's a science thing. I don't quite get it. Mr. Ware tried to teach me in high school, but I was far more interested in depriving others of their education.)

That said, being infertile might not be such a bad thing if, say, you're a rather confident liger and you do well at the clubs.

Child support ain't cheap. Liger on!

Anyway, that's the story of a cute little zonkey who is currently enjoying his 15 minutes of worldwide Internet fame.

Telegraph, we like your stripes.

"What?"

WE LIKE YOUR STRIPES!

Follow @JarrettBellini on Twitter.

See more content with questionable news value at CNN Comedy.

ADVERTISEMENT
Part of complete coverage on
Apparently This Matters...
September 20, 2014 -- Updated 0022 GMT (0822 HKT)
If you asked me -- and God knows nobody has -- I would have to guess that never in the history of humankind has anyone ever actually slipped on a banana peel.
September 12, 2014 -- Updated 2223 GMT (0623 HKT)
I'm a napper.
September 8, 2014 -- Updated 1244 GMT (2044 HKT)
Since the beginning of time, man has looked up into the cosmos at those shiny, twinkling stars and thought, "I wonder if lizards would do each other up there?"
August 23, 2014 -- Updated 1528 GMT (2328 HKT)
We all have weird, irrational concerns.
August 18, 2014 -- Updated 0225 GMT (1025 HKT)
"What does this thing do?"
August 8, 2014 -- Updated 1748 GMT (0148 HKT)
Despite all the political tension in Crimea, it's nice to know things are still safe enough at the zoo for a zebra to get it on with a donkey.
August 2, 2014 -- Updated 0141 GMT (0941 HKT)
Justin Sylvester's wife is pregnant. With a baby.
July 27, 2014 -- Updated 0010 GMT (0810 HKT)
There's a famous scene in the movie "Titanic" where Rose turns to Jack and says, "I want you to draw me like one of your French girls."
July 18, 2014 -- Updated 2015 GMT (0415 HKT)
For several months in 2003, I did the whole European backpacker thing. Which is to say I've seen nearly every cathedral within 1,000 square miles of the Danube.
July 11, 2014 -- Updated 1917 GMT (0317 HKT)
The other day I saw a death metal band hanging out by their tour van in the parking lot behind a club. They were all dressed in black, and may or may not have been working on lyrics to a new song about fire and lamb meat.
June 23, 2014 -- Updated 1305 GMT (2105 HKT)
There are two good reasons to own a giant trampoline.
June 13, 2014 -- Updated 2251 GMT (0651 HKT)
I would love to say my dog is intellectually qualified to be a service animal. But he's not. There's barely enough brainpower there to be a lamp.
June 8, 2014 -- Updated 1523 GMT (2323 HKT)
I've never really needed an extra ear.
June 4, 2014 -- Updated 2032 GMT (0432 HKT)
I never actually caught a glimpse of the Tooth Fairy when I was young, but she was definitely real and in cahoots with my mom. This, due to the fact that I never woke up to find a Nintendo.
May 23, 2014 -- Updated 1957 GMT (0357 HKT)
Have you ever seen a man running in a marathon, bleeding from his nipples?
May 16, 2014 -- Updated 1952 GMT (0352 HKT)
Brace yourselves, because this week's story is about sperm and poop.
ADVERTISEMENT