May 8, 1999
Web posted at: 5:33 pm edt

Chat Participant <Jackie>: Is the book based on your own experiences, Ms. Wechsler?

Suruba Wechsler: Yes, Jackie, this is my life story. This book is dedicated to my father, who I believe is a true African hero, a man who was truly ahead of his time and to whom I owe all the good that life has given me.

Chat Participant <Candyce>: Suruba, your title suggests universal themes that connect us all. Is that central to your story?

Suruba Wechsler: Absolutely, Candyce. Many people, after reading the book, are amazed to see the extraordinary similarities between families and family love that exist all over the world. At the same time, people are intrigued by the fascinating differences in culture that they learn about from my family's experiences.

Chat Participant <Jackie>: Do you feel your experiences, as a refugee were similar to those the current refugees from Kosovo are experiencing, or do you think the geographical area makes a difference?

Suruba Wechsler: Excellent question, Jackie. I feel so much for the people in Kosovo. I feel that their experiences are very similar to what I went through as a child. What particularly broke my heart was hearing about families being separated at the Macedonian border. Of all the terrible things that happened to my family -- desperate hunger, horrible diseases, seeing terrible sights of corpses -- the worst part of it all was when we were separated from my papa and we did not know whether he was alive or not. When we had to flee from our town when the fighting started, my father was shot by a sniper; he fell into the river and disappeared; we thought we had lost him. Months later we were miraculously reunited. That is why I call my book "By the Grace of God" -- I think it is only by the grace of God that we survived and that my papa survived.

Chat Participant: <AnnD>: Suruba, I heard this morning about the great trauma this is for all, and especially children. Did you find it difficult to trust again?

Suruba Wechsler: Ann, yes, it is hard to trust after suffering so. What happens, and it is so sad, is that the horrible becomes normal. When the wars finally ended, my sister and I were never quite calm. We were always waiting for the next war. To us, running into the forest, hiding from guns and cannons, wasn't that what all children did? 

Chat Participant <AnnD>: Oh, my, that is heartbreaking.

Suruba Wechsler: AnnD, it is heartbreaking, but my story, I believe, is also inspiring, because it shows how people can survive terrible circumstances -- when you have family love. My sister was everything a big sister should be. She was a bully and could be mean to me. But she was an absolutely wonderful person, too. She was only three years older than I was, but she was so much wiser. She took care of me during the war years and after. My parents divorced when I was two, and, in many ways, my sister Josee became my real mother. Much of the last third of my book tells about what happens when we learned that my beloved sister was infected with HIV. I should also say that my sister was a fantastic student in a time and place when hardly any girls ever finished primary school, let alone dreamed of going to university. But she did all that, she blazed a path for me and set an inspiring example of what a young woman can do when she has her heart and mind focussed on education.

Chat Participant: <Jackie>: How long were you and your family refugees? Were you ever allowed to return to your home?

Suruba Wechsler: Jackie, we were refugees for nearly three years. Then when we returned home, just a few months later, another civil war broke out, and we had to flee again. But this time we stayed together, our papa was there to take care of us, and that made all the difference in the world. When I was nine, the wars finally ended.

Chat Participant <AnnD>: Well, at least part of your life was normal -- the sibling rivalry.

Suruba Wechsler: Yes, Ann, our sibling rivalry was normal. So much of our lives was normal. There is so much that Americans can relate to. I think that's one of the inspiring messages of my book -- that despite suffering terrible trauma, the human spirit endures.

Chat Participant <AnnD>: You mentioned conversion to Judaism. Did you have a faith before your conversion?

Suruba Wechsler: Yes, Ann, like most Congolese, I was raised as a Roman Catholic. That was the religion that was given to us by the Belgian colonists. My sister remained a devout Catholic until her death, but it seems that I always had doubts about Catholicism. In fact, I used to plague the nuns in religion class so much that they used to commonly punish me by having me write 100 times, "I shall not ask blasphemous questions in religion class." My papa went against all the rules of his culture and always encouraged us to ask questions, on any and all subjects. I think that's one reason why I grew to love Judaism, because it encourages so much question-asking.

Chat Participant <Matt>: What do you think about polygamy? What are your feelings about your father having relationships with many women?

Suruba Wechsler: Matt, I am 100 percent against polygamy. My father once had two wives, but he was not the type of man who could endure under that system; he ended his experiment in bigamy after only a few months. He was very unusual because most of his peers had two, three, even four wives. Of course, when we were growing up, we saw that as being normal. But it was very unpleasant when we had two mothers in one home, and I'm so glad that Papa was not like the other men.

Chat Participant <Philip>: Do you see any similarities between the Congo and the events in Nazi Germany?

Suruba Wechsler: Philip, I'm not sure I understand your question. What aspect of the Congo do you mean?

Chat Participant <Philip>: Were any of the atrocities the same; the same severity?

Suruba Wechsler: Well, Philip, it's really inappropriate to compare anything to the Holocaust. However, what the Belgians did in colonizing the Congo was a level of brutality that was rarely matched in the history of colonialism. Still, the goal of the Belgians was not to exterminate a group of people but to steal their riches.

Chat Participant <Gera>: Belgians brought some civilization to Congo. Congo never had a proper civilization.

Suruba Wechsler: Gera, there was plenty of "civilization" in Congo before the Belgians came. One needs to be very careful when using such a charged word.

Chat Participant <Fish>: I was punished in 1950 American public schools for writing with my left hand as in an ear twist and a suggestion that only bad children use their left hand.

Suruba Wechsler: Fish, I've been told that some of the Catholic school stories in my book are very familiar to American graduates of parochial schools, so that's another example of how similar lives can be, even in such different cultures.

Chat Participant <Gera>: Greece ethnically cleansed all the Turks from Mora after the independence war. Thanks to this, now we live in peace. They never heard about Greece. Why do you guys hate Milosevic and the Orthodox community?

Suruba Wechsler: Gera, why do you equate sympathy with refugees with hatred for any other group? Obviously, they need their basic needs for food and shelter met. They need to know that the world hasn't forgotten them and that the powers are doing something to get them back home as soon as possible. Most importantly, they need to be kept together with their families.

Chat Participant <Simoes>: I've seen once in a film that the worst in war is not the separation of those who hate one another but of those who love one another. I guess this is worth thinking about. Don't you think so, Suruba?

Suruba Wechsler: Simoes, please tell me more about what you mean.

Chat Participant <Simoes>: Maybe in a war what's at stake is not simply the economic or political interests, but ourselves as human beings and what we are here for.

Suruba Wechsler: Simoes, that's a beautiful thought.

Chat Participant <Fish>: Suruba, may you find justice and peace. Now I must find peace with my daughters. It's their turn on the Internet. Good evening, all.

Suruba Wechsler: Fish, thank you for your sweet wishes. May you teach your daughters, as my papa taught my sister and me, that they can do anything boys can do!

Chat Participant <AnnD>: Suruba, when you were separated from your father, was it just you and your sister at that time?

Suruba Wechsler: AnnD, no. We were with my stepmother, her elderly mother and four other young children. We had to march 150 miles through the countryside with no man to protect us, to find safe haven in a town called Samba. I was so sad to read that last week the town of Samba was bombed in the current civil war in Congo -- and that was our safe haven during the war. It's so hard to stay optimistic and believe in the potential for human goodness when we see that after all the horrors of this century, people have not yet learned about the evil of war. And sadly, there is war raging now in my home country, the Congo. When will we learn?

Chat Participant <Jackie>: Did you lose any members of your family during the wars in the Congo?

Suruba Wechsler: Yes, my brother-in-law was brutally massacred in the second civil war. His body was left in the river, to be torn apart by crocodiles. Also, during the brutal dictatorship of Mobutu Sese Seko, my next-door neighbor, my half-brother's best friend, was executed by Mobutu on trumped-up charges.

Chat Participant <AnnD>: Suruba, your story is sad and wonderful at the same time -- sad because you had to endure your hardship and wonderful that you think enough of mankind to write about it to share with us, who often become complacent and apathetic about too many things in the world.

Suruba Wechsler: AnnD, with all the terror that I lived through, how can I not still believe in the power of love and the amazing things, wonderful things, that can happen to us in this life? I'm so grateful to have a wonderful family, to live in a great country and to have finally found a spiritual home. And I even have a master's degree from an American university! Not bad for a small-town girl from the Congo.

Chat Participant <Philip>: Suruba, do you think mankind will ever achieve peace for a lengthy period of time?

Suruba Wechsler: Philip, it's not looking too good at the moment. But we have to maintain our hope and continue to pray that one day we will be delivered from our own madness.

Chat Participant <irc2000>: Suruba I'm sure your experiences are worth a story. However. publishers are fickle. Was it difficult to get a publisher?

Suruba Wechsler: Irc2000, it wasn't easy. You have to persevere and be able to accept those rejection letters -- usually from people who never even read your manuscript. But I found a publisher who was interested, and here we are.

Chat Participant <irc2000>: Suruba, did you shop it or get an agent?

Suruba Wechsler: Irc, I shopped it myself.

Chat Participant <Candyce>: I'm interested in your thoughts on the NATO action in the Balkans. Do you think force is warranted to protect people from tyranny?

Suruba Wechsler: Candyce, in a word: YES. Sometimes, it is absolutely necessary. You know, the people of the Congo did learn lessons from the horrors of the civil wars of the early 1960s. That's why they tolerated for 32 years one of the most brutal and terrible governments of the century. They simply had no stomach for fighting. I pray that this current generation of Congolese quickly loses its stomach for fighting.

Chat Participant <Philip>: What is the current situation in the Congo?

Suruba Wechsler: Philip, two years ago the dictator Mobutu was overthrown and Laurent Kabila became president. But soon after, another rebellion sprang up in the eastern half of the country. A lot of the fighting is really international. It has a lot to do with national rivalries and border problems with neighboring countries. At the moment, about one-third of the country is under the control of the rebels, who are closely allied with the governments of Uganda and Rwanda. The town where my papa lives is under rebel control, so I have not had news of him for many months.

Chat Participant <AnnD>: Suruba, what are your thoughts about Americans? Do you find that we are a selfish, somewhat greedy nation, or do you see us as really caring about other countries and their hardships, wars and atrocities?

Suruba Wechsler: AnnD, I think there are many, many wonderful caring Americans, and there are few people on the planet as wonderful as they are. On the other hand, so many people just don't seem to care that it is frustrating. One thing in particular that disturbs me about America is how little respect Americans have for older people. In Congo, we are taught to have great respect for the elderly. We associate age with wisdom. Bt here people refuse to grow old with dignity.

Chat Participant <irc2000>: You can never really know the true anguish brought on by a situation, not having lived it.

Chat Participant <irc2000>: True, Suruba. We mostly discard our elders.

Suruba Wechsler: Irc, there are so many things that people and particularly the government of African countries like the Congo need to learn from countries like America, but there are also many, many things that Americans should learn from Congolese, especially when it comes to relationships with their loved ones. Respect for elderly parents, treating family members as close friends.

Chat Participant <Philip>: Such as?

Suruba Wechsler: For example, in our languages there is no word for "cousin." We use the same word for cousin that we use for brother or sister.

Chat Participant <irc2000>: Collective work and responsibility in the community could be a start.

Suruba Wechsler: Irc, thanks, you're right on target there.

Chat Participant <Philip>: I agree with irc. Perhaps we have lost a sense of community

Suruba Wechsler: Philip, you know some people make fun of Hillary Clinton for talking about it all the time, but she is absolutely right to quote the African proverb: "It takes a village to raise a child." Philip, thanks so much.

Chat Participant <irc2000>: Suruba, do you have an email or Web site?

Suruba Wechsler: Irc, you can reach me on e-mail: parlagrace@aol.com.

Suruba Wechsler: I just want to close by thanking my papa, who has made all this possible for me by giving me the tools to decide my own destiny. I hope you can read my book and get to know my papa and learn from him about the art of parenting. Suruba Wechsler: Good night, thank you for sharing your ideas. Bless you.