Write-Along
Chapter 1: The Rabble Is Roused
In which we meet the characters - and learn their various predicaments

By Emily Soares and Porter Anderson
Special to CNN Interactive

These were dark days for the Old Republic.

A coalition in the Galactic Senate -- their courage ballooned by the hot air of Senator Palpatine (Richard Branson) -- had launched a plot to destroy the government.

The aim: to create an empire of their own.

Mists and politics swirled together in a toxic murk on the planet Coruscant. The seat of the galaxy's government was fogbound with intrigue.

And here fretted, he did, the deeply conflicted Jedi councilor. Yoda.

"He's a walking Talmudic debate," his friends said of him, fondly. "Schizoid" his enemies griped. And agree with all of them, could Yoda (played as an ensemble by Yasser Arafat, Madeleine Albright and Mother Teresa).

In his heart(s), the collective Yoda felt the threads of political stability in the Republic unraveling. He sought to ease the growing chaos in the galaxy. But while wise beyond his 800 years -- and surely the Jedi most closely in tune with the Force -- Yoda was awfully short and always wrestled with his inner voices. Consensus seeking, he called it.

"The dark side is growing," Arafat warned. "I say the Jedi must move quickly to save the Republic. Intifada now, talk later. What are we waiting for? I'm not asking for the moon."

"Peace, Yasser," Mother Teresa intervened, "don't get your kafiyeh in a twist. The Force is strong and needs no stone-throwing to be victorious. We must reach into the hearts of the Senators and make them see the need to protect our beloved Republic. Love will keep us together."

"Oh, give it up, Teresa. They're men." As usual, Albright was rattling the brooch. "They won't budge unless you back up that sweetness-and-light stuff with the threat of military action. Half the Senate has already been seduced by power and greed. Our message is clear: If they persist in this mode, we really, really will attack. And this time we mean it. Really. I say we convene a summit. And speak Serbo-Croatian."

Wandered the halls of the Jedi Temple, Yoda did, talking to himselves late into the night.

Meanwhile, on a planet called Tatooine, far, far away, the poor farmer Shmi Skywalker (Sarah Ferguson) was struggling with a royal pain of an existence. She labored to make ends meet for herself and her young son Anakin (Bart Simpson) -- a precocious child of unfortunate hair color but rare mechanical savvy.

"Look at this godforsaken sand trap of a planet!" Shmi would often exclaim. "How can anyone make a living in this wasteland? And worst of all, no nightlife, no culture, no new-age gurus, no gossip. How I miss the shopping sprees in Mos Eisley when your father was around and I could still get a children's book published in the colonies."

"Don't have a cow, Mom," Anakin would say to cheer her, little dreaming of the role in the galactic struggle that awaited him.

One of the boy's pet projects was a droid intended as a household servant, C-3PO (Bill Gates). Still in its rudimentary stage, the droid had several recurring software glitches. The worst issue was a tendency to hijack programs from other droids while they were in sleep mode, then bundle them inseparably for resale.

"Really! I don't see what difference it makes to them," C-3PO was heard saying. "Most of them wouldn't know a browser from their butts, anyway."

Tatooine was also home to Jabba the Hutt (Rush Limbaugh), the ruthless and grotesque head of a criminally conservative dynasty that promoted smuggling, slave trading, assassination and the firepower to make it all possible. "The Republic is a washed-up idea," the Hutt slobbered. "Bunch of do-gooders trying to stifle a little honest competition." Jabba still smarted from the bad PR of a recent anti-crime campaign on the planet.

But as Jabba would learn, there'd be a higher price to pay soon than the loss of some ugly face: Even as the state of the galaxy spiraled into uncertainty, Jedi Knights were readying themselves for the call to action.

In a secret training facility, Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (Bill Murray) continued the education of his star pupil, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Jackie Chan). Kenobi greatly admired his teacher, but the eager knight-in-training was sometimes frustrated by his master's unconventional methods.

"Loosen up, my young knucklehead," Jinn would chide Kenobi. "Remember: the Force works best when the Jedi Knight is open to humor. Let's try that pratfall again."

All too shortly, master and student would know how close he was - to his last laugh.