Baptism of mercy

ALSO   The "children's house"

By John Towriss
Special to CNN.com

November 14, 2001

ASTANA, Kazakhstan (CNN) - It was the most magical of moments -- the kind that pierces deep into the soul -- when Carole and I at last embraced young Dara and Johnny.

In our eyes, they are beautiful beyond words! Dara has a spiky punk rocker hairdo and kind, velvet eyes that mesmerize me with their innocence. Little Johnny's face is a study in serenity with bright eyes and long fingers that give me hope that Dad can teach him basketball someday.

Oddly, it doesn't feel like an introduction but rather a wonderful homecoming. Somehow it doesn't feel like Carole and I are adding two children, but finding a lost piece that will make whole something that was incomplete. And somehow on this little plot of earth in Kazakhstan, the core of my humanity has been touched with a warm and tender light from above.

Something has flooded me. It wants to reach out, touch, hold and pour out the love in my heart. How we shield ourselves from these moments of vulnerability but how rich the treasure is, if only we find the courage to let go.

Such was the moment.

The journey to reach this moment has been grueling -- a four-flight, 38-hour sleepless odyssey to reach the children's house here. But all that's easier to endure than the emotional buildup.

Carole has captured a mother's heart beautifully in this note written on the plane, which I'm sharing with her permission:

As I write this, it is 9:45 p.m. at home (EST), 5:45 a.m. in Moscow and 8:45 a.m. in Astana. Yet, time seems meaningless as I sit suspended in air, between two continents, between two worlds, each of which holds two of my children.

Two of these children I have spent years loving. Two others, though they have been on this earth for six months, I have never held, never touched, never even seen. I am sure in God's economy there is a reason these children of mine were born halfway around the world from each other, rather then in the hospital down the street. But in mine it makes no sense at all.

And so I sit here, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the air, over the middle of an ocean, and I pray, and I wonder and I wait.

WHAT WE BROUGHT WITH US   When adopting internationally, you're told to prepare to receive a "naked baby." Since you don't know what you'll be able to purchase overseas, you have to bring a number of supplies with you. Here's what Carole and I packed on this trip to adopt two children.   two packs of diapers, for 6-month-olds   two large cans of powdered formula   one can of cereal   six or eight outfits for each kid, mostly "sleepers" and "onesies."   two bunting outfits for cold weather   six milk/formula bottles   one box of bottle liners   four pacifiers   four small toys   two blankets   two feeding spoons and bowl   one tube of Desitin, for baby rash   one bottle of Tylenol for infants   28 gifts for various officials, helpers, caretakers, etc.   Donation of clothing, shoes, toys for orphanage (collected from family and friends)   one laptop computer with various access means to connect to the Internet and e-mail friends and family   one digital camcorder   one digital camera (for e-mailing pictures)   one nice outfit for each of us, in case we meet officials   comfortable clothing, per the local weather The key is to pack light. When traveling overseas, excess baggage is charged by weight, not by piece as it is in the United States. Allowances are relatively small.

Carole's words linger in my mind as we say goodbye to Dara and Johnny for the night.

I'm emotionally drained and deep in thought. It's the math that has me enchanted.

You see, Carole and I are not alone. There are seven of us parents traveling together on this journey to adopt a total of five babies. But now the seven have become 12 as we've held our children. And soon the 12 will become four families, each completed in its own way. It's only been an hour since our troupe arrived at the children's house, a slightly grouchy group full of insecurities about our readiness to parent, questions about our ability to love these children and fears about the future.

But as we leave, the stockbroker from New Jersey confides to me that he broke down on meeting his new daughter, a beautiful 8-month-old with black wavy hair and a way to reach his and his wife's hearts.

The writer from Washington is moved by the story of a cook who has taken special watch over her little boy and explains his plump cheeks by sheepishly admitting she feeds him extra. The dentist from Louisiana tenderly holds his wife's hand as the flood of tears streaks her makeup, so touched was she by their baby daughter with the big smile and angelic face.

Something is happening here. A transformation has taken place in these few short minutes. Just as in the symbolic act of baptism -- one goes into the water unclean and comes out cleansed -- so has been our time with our children. For now, we are free of the questions and fears.

So light are we that we jokingly tell the driver there'll be no need to start the engine because this van will float back to town.

Finally, as we arrive at our little hotel, my thoughts drift back to Dara and Johnny and I'm soon lost in these little lives that until now have never known whose voice would wake them, which hands would dress them, whose arms would rock them, whose song would quiet them or whose eyes would look into theirs with a love that's pure. I look tiredly at Carole and she gives me a knowing smile: Yes, we will soon change all that.

John Towriss has been with CNN for 21 years, a journalist covering stories the world over. He is deputy bureau chief and director of news coverage in CNN's Washington bureau. Towriss can be reached at TOWRISS@aol.com

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