When other children stay home
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By John Towriss
Special to CNN.com
(CNN) -- Surely one of the most difficult parts of completing an international adoption is leaving other children behind for what can be an extended trip abroad. Preparing your children for such an absence can make it a little easier for them to endure. We should note that some families take the children with them on the adoption trip. My wife, Carole, and I have decided not to take our children on both our adoption trips.
Following are some of the ideas we had. Many of these steps are the same ones you would take for any absence. Some of these are more appropriate than others for different ages.
BEFORE:
• Arrange for someone they know and love to care for them . For our first adoption, Emma stayed with dear friends who had a little girl the same age. This time, grandpa came to stay with Emma and Mira.
• As much as you can, keep their routine the same. Children find security in familiarity.
• Throw out some rules. In our house, we eat ice cream only on the weekend. When grandpa is here, however, they can eat it whenever he says so. A little fun can make the long days pass more quickly. The one rule I did not bend, however, was bed time. They are in a stressful situation, just like you, and need rest to handle it.
• Make no promises about when you will return. On our first trip, I drew up a little calendar with enough stickers for the number of days I thought we'd be gone and a big red circle on the day we'd come home. Fortunately, I forgot to give it to the friend our daughter was staying with because we were delayed 10 days on our return.
• Include them in the process. While you probably won't want toddlers helping you decide when or how to expand your family, you can get them excited about it with you. Show them the pictures and videos. Ask for name suggestions (be prepared for wild ones!). Take them with you to get documents notarized or to buy car seats. Refer to the new children as their brother or sister, and not just as your baby.
DURING:
• If you call or e-mail, make sure not to focus only on the newly adopted children. Remember to ask about school, or their play dates, or anything else that shows them you still consider their daily activities important to you.
• Send play notes from the new children to ones at home. On this trip we made up cartoons using freeze shots from our video camera. It was fun, Emma and Mira loved it and it built in an immediate connection between our children.
AFTER:
• Bring them a gift. Bring them something for the native culture you think they might like. They will know you thought about them on the trip.
• Tone it down. The journey you just took will provoke many questions, and you may feel you could sit and talk about it for hours: the new culture, new friends, interesting sights. Be aware of how your other children respond and tone it down if need be.
John Towriss has been with CNN for 21 years, a journalist covering stories the world over. He is deputy bureau chief and director of news coverage in CNN's Washington bureau. Towriss can be reached at TOWRISS@aol.com
