Saturday Morning News

How to Deal With College Rejection

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MILES O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: You could call April the month of not-so-happy returns. There are those bothersome income tax returns to complete by the middle of the month and for millions of high school students the dreaded returns from college admissions offices. And as everyone who has been through this process knows, you don't even have to open up the envelope to know the answer. If it's thick, you're living large. If it's thin, you'd better start thinking about other choices, community college, maybe, votech, who knows?

So, what is a parent to do if the envelopes are skinny and the angst is thick? Amy Dickinson has some answers for you. She is the family columnist for "Time" magazine and the mother of a fifth grader. Hasn't quite yet applied to college, has she, Amy?

AMY DICKINSON, "TIME" MAGAZINE: Not quite. Well, we're working on it.

O'BRIEN: Working on the angst anyway.

DICKINSON: Yes, well, we've got the thick angst, yes. Big time.

O'BRIEN: All right. Well, good to have you with us.

DICKINSON: Thank you.

O'BRIEN: What's the strategy? The thin envelope comes, it's bad news and the first thing you want to do as a parent is protect them from all this.

DICKINSON: Well, I think the first thing a lot of parents want to do is throw the kid in the car, drive to the college, show up at the admissions office, knock on the door and demand redress. But actually...

O'BRIEN: Not advised.

DICKINSON: ... believe it or not, that's not a good idea. I know, that would have been my thinking. But no, that's not a good idea.

O'BRIEN: On the assumption that if you're a little pushy maybe they'll let you in?

DICKINSON: Right. The one thing all colleges will tell you, and they certainly told me, is these decisions are not negotiable at all. Do not call. Parents should not get involved in this. This is your kid's first adult experience and as hard as that is, you have to let them have it.

O'BRIEN: Oh gosh, it's impossible for a parent to go through this. It's harder for a parent, in a way, isn't it?

DICKINSON: I think it is and I think one of the things parents need to be aware of is that if their child is disappointed, if their 17 or 18-year-old is devastated by a skinny envelope, they need to back off, watch your body language, don't indicate that you're depressed or disappointed because what could be worse than if you're a kid being disappointed yourself and you look up and you see your mother is crushed? I mean that's not good.

O'BRIEN: Well, it's interesting, when you talk to parents who have, well, not children, young adults of this age, they're absolutely, at times, fixated with this whole process...

DICKINSON: Yes.

O'BRIEN: ... of getting their child into Harvard or whatever.

DICKINSON: Right.

O'BRIEN: And I'm sure that whether, you know, consciously or subconsciously rubs off on the children.

DICKINSON: Right.

O'BRIEN: And they get nervous about it and get fixated on it, as well.

DICKINSON: Right.

O'BRIEN: Is it best to just sort of stay out of that whole thing?

DICKINSON: Well, I think it's all right to, you know, let your child know what your dreams are for them. But a lot of parenting, I think, comes down to, I call it the beauty of Plan B. This is true when kids are very little and when they, if your child isn't a good ballet dancer you go well, let's put on the tap shoes. You know, you have to be willing to kind of punt and go for Plan B. And the beauty of Plan B is the safety school.

Now, the safety school, probably misnamed, sometimes the safety school is the best match, you know? And admissions people said to me what you need to do is you celebrate the schools that were smart enough to admit your child. Those are the schools you want your kid to go to.

O'BRIEN: Sort of a little spin on the whole kind of thing.

DICKINSON: Exactly. O'BRIEN: But you have to realize that the competition is such, it's so brutal. For every 10 candidates, one or two, maybe, gets into these top schools.

DICKINSON: Right. Right. I spoke to the admissions officer at Cornell University. He's sending out 21,000 envelopes...

O'BRIEN: Skinny ones?

DICKINSON: Well, 15 of those are skinny, no, 15 of those are skinny, 6,000 are fat. He says people do come to his office knocking on the door with their children in tow and he said this is devastating for the kid. This is not negotiable.

O'BRIEN: Wow.

DICKINSON: And there are great schools out there for every person. I mean that's the great thing about this country. It's not just, it doesn't just come down to community college sometimes, although community college, again, the guy at Cornell said to me we embrace a kid who comes to us from community college. We love that. It shows their commitment.

And a child, so a child should, a 17-year-old who gets rejected, if, after a week, they're still yearning to go to this one school, they should maybe make a phone call themselves and ask the admissions office about transfer requirements, have a very serious conversation about what would it take to transfer and that's viewed very favorably. That's fine.

O'BRIEN: All right, that's some good advice and a good way of sort of relieving some of that disappointment.

DICKINSON: Oh, yes.

O'BRIEN: All right, Amy Dickinson with "Time" magazine.

DICKINSON: Thanks.

O'BRIEN: She writes about family issues for that. And in the interests of full disclosure, a classmate of mine at Georgetown.

DICKINSON: Yes, we never dealt with rejection.

O'BRIEN: That's right.

DICKINSON: Not me.

O'BRIEN: We luckily got fat envelopes there. All right. Thanks a lot.

DICKINSON: Thank you.

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