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PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT
One on One with Chelsea Handler
Aired May 10, 2011 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
PIERS MORGAN, HOST: Look out, Hollywood. Chelsea Handler is in town and she's taking no prisoners.
CHELSEA HANDLER, COMEDIAN: I have never seen the show and I probably never will.
MORGAN: She told me nothing would be off limits. From her sex life.
HANDLER: I haven't had sex in ages. Right, Chunk?
MORGAN: To her very famous friends.
HANDLER: Nothing is off limits. Nothing.
MORGAN: Chelsea Handler is always perfectly, politically incorrect.
HANDLER: This is a fantasy world that you're living in, not (INAUDIBLE).
MORGAN: Tonight, I'm going to be the one trying to make her blush.
HANDLER: Why are you -- shut up. Just shut up.
MORGAN: Chelsea Handler for the hour.
PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT special.
Chelsea Handler has a smart mouth. Some say it's comic genius. I'll just blame on the (INAUDIBLE).
Chelsea, you join me now. I want to start with an apology.
HANDLER: For what?
MORGAN: Well, you know what. It was the last time I vote for you to come on the show. I was very excited about this. You have to believe me. And then at about 4:00 in the afternoon, we cancelled you. For Charlie Sheen.
How did you feel about that?
HANDLER: How did you feel about that? MORGAN: Guilty. I felt terrible.
HANDLER: Well, I understand, being in the position that you're in, that you need to have. Charlie Sheen is great news and for you to have him on the show and exploit him the way you did I thought was marvelous. But I don't blame you. I understand how the business works.
MORGAN: Would you have done that?
HANDLER: I wouldn't have -- I don't know that I would have bumped you for -- no, I don't bump people. But I have a different format than you. I understand. This is news worthy.
MORGAN: You never bump people. But if you bump me, for example, and literally out of the blue, President Obama says, I want to come on tonight, like only tonight. Would you not bump me?
HANDLER: For President Obama?
HANDLER: I -- no, I don't think I would. I don't have --
MORGAN: You'd turn down the president for me?
HANDLER: Well, this isn't a real circumstance that you're talking about.
MORGAN: Well, I like the way you're thinking.
HANDLER: This is a fantasy world that you're living in, obviously.
HANDLER: No, maybe I would for President Obama. But you know.
MORGAN: Did you watch the Charlie Sheen interview?
HANDLER: With you?
MORGAN: Where you've been cruelly bounceful (ph).
HANDLER: I actually had missed that one. But I did see him being interviewed a lot. So I figured it was -- but I saw clips of it, I did see clips of it. And I read excerpts from it so --
MORGAN: What did you think of him?
HANDLER: Of Charlie Sheen?
MORGAN: Yes. What do you think of the whole crazy Sheen circus?
HANDLER: I think it's a pretty bunch of a hot mess. I mean he's a disaster. But good for him. MORGAN: You've been of a hot mess?
HANDLER: No. I have my act together in a big way. I got here on time, didn't I?
MORGAN: You did.
HANDLER: I did.
MORGAN: So did he, to be fair.
HANDLER: And you have vodka waiting for me.
HANDLER: You think I'm sort of a floozy.
MORGAN: Well, I must say I know too much about you. Obviously Ricky Gervais had his beer. And we just thought, you know?
HANDLER: I know it's weird --
MORGAN: When in Rome --
HANDLER: It's weird that I just stopped drinking earlier today. It's so coincidental.
MORGAN: I love vodka.
HANDLER: I love vodka.
MORGAN: It makes the world go round.
HANDLER: I know.
MORGAN: It's a good drink.
HANDLER: It keeps you a little bit sane.
MORGAN: So this book of yours.
MORGAN: "Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me." This is the first paragraph written by Johnny Kansas.
"Chelsea Handler is a menace. Working for her is very much like working for highly functioning, over-sexed drunken chimpanzee. Just when you think you're part of the family, and it's all fun and games, she turns on you and bites off your fingers, nose, and genitals."
MORGAN: Any of that planned for me this evening?
HANDLER: No, I won't touch your genitals. I promise. (LAUGHTER)
HANDLER: I'm not that kind of guest. I actually haven't read that yet. So that sounds pretty intense.
MORGAN: That's the first paragraph of your best-selling book. You haven't read it?
HANDLER: Well, no. Obviously I've read it.
MORGAN: Obviously you haven't.
HANDLER: I did. It just sounds much more -- it sounds --
HANDLER: Much more venomous coming from you.
MORGAN: Let's read on. "As with any volatile primate, you can never tell when she'd attack. But years of experience and close observation I concluded she is most dangerous when she is bored or has a little free time, and is looking to entertain herself."
And that is key to you, I think. You have a very low attention span.
HANDLER: I do.
MORGAN: You get bored very quickly.
HANDLER: I have fallen asleep twice since I sat down.
HANDLER: I do. I need constant --
MORGAN: Well, have a drink -- at least have a drink.
HANDLER: I need constant simulation, it's true. I --
HANDLER: It's for my own amusement to just screw with people. I think -- I get a lot of joy out of that. And --
MORGAN: Well, hit my BlackBerry. You're an absolute fiend.
HANDLER: I know. I know. I am. I can't believe you know this about me. How do you know that?
MORGAN: Well, obviously you grab people's BlackBerries and you just send appalling stuff to all their contacts.
HANDLER: Well, that's funny. I mean --
MORGAN: Is it funny? HANDLER: It is. Yes. To me. I mean --
MORGAN: What kind of stuff do you do? What do you write?
HANDLER: Well, like I'll send out, you know, e-mails from people on staff to their friends and family. Talking about -- just harmless -- they're not that original these ideas. You know, just about coming out of the closet to their family or to their wives. I mean obviously their wives know that it's me.
People have -- now in my office, they know that if you get an e- mail that's ridiculous -- I like to arrange playdates between people at work that would never normally mingle. You know so somebody who's married with three kids, I like to send an e-mail from somebody else in a different department that's single and looking, and who -- you know, who's approaching her like they're going go out on a date and really inappropriate things.
MORGAN: And the (INAUDIBLE) thing about you is you're absolutely ferociously fast texter.
HANDLER: I am.
MORGAN: I mean literally you're like lightning.
HANDLER: Well, if you were sending out random e-mails from people's desk in a quick pace, then you would be fast, too. You have to do it before that person gets back to their desk. You have to say I've never been more wildly attracted to you in my life. I want to see you with your pants around your ankles. Please meet me in the kitchen.
MORGAN: Here's my theory about you. You're the youngest of six children. So you're just the typical youngest child attention seeker.
HANDLER: You could say that.
MORGAN: They're always the same.
HANDLER: Well, I mean, obviously I like attention, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here right now. So it would be -- it would be fraudulent to pretend that I don't like attention. Do I need an extraordinary amount of it? Now that I've gotten a little bit satiated, I'm pretty good.
HANDLER: So now that -- once you get a little attention, you realize what it's like, I fell like, you think, OK, this is a little bit much, but then you want to kind of deliver, you know, comedy and what I consider to be comedy which I'm sure many people don't but they're not really my problem (ph).
MORGAN: One interesting aspect I thought to your character, you talked about the low attention span, but I mean, the attention seeking, but you linked it a lot of the attention seeking to what was actually a very tragic episode in your life when your brother died. And he was -- I think you were about 9 or 10 years old. And he died trail biking or something. And --
HANDLER: He was mountain climbing.
MORGAN: Right. And you said after that you felt quite sort of remote from your family, that everything was focused on this terrible thing that have happened.
HANDLER: Yes. Definitely. I mean, you know, being the youngest of six children, you get a ton of attention and then all of a sudden he was removed from the family and everybody's focus was on that and I was 10. So I was just like, wait a second, where is everybody? You know?
And people don't really deal with children who deal with death. It's kind of hard -- everyone's -- my father was, you know, a disaster, rightfully so, and my mother. And so everybody is kind of in their own world. So nobody really dealt with me and I didn't -- you know, and this is how I dealt with it. So --
MORGAN: How did you feel affected by your brother's death? Put aside the fact that you weren't getting any attention after that. Had a weird effect on you. But do you think it was more than that? You think the fact that you lost an older brother, was it a really big thing in your life that --
HANDLER: Well, I would hope so. I mean --
MORGAN: Has it damaged you, do you think?
HANDLER: Yes. I mean everything is damaging. I mean you know -- you've lost -- you lost your father, I know, but yes, of course it's very damaging. I think the initial reaction is, you can't believe that this is happening to your family. You went from -- we have six kids, we had this perfect family. I mean it wasn't perfect, but in my mind it was whole.
And we have six kids, we have a dog, we have a mother and we have a father. And then it goes to five. And all I could think in that number was it's not six anymore, it's five. And it screws you up, you know, for a long time. But it's also a huge gift in many ways because our family is so close and our brothers and sisters -- you know, my brothers and sisters are very, very close. And we've always been that way because of that tragedy.
MORGAN: Do all successful stand-up comics -- because a lot of the ones I've interviewed had this trait. Have they all slightly traumatic upbringings? Does it add an edge? Does it make you seek out an audience, looking for some bit of approval?
HANDLER: Yes. Absolutely. I think there's a huge pattern of that. Especially male comics. You know, but female comics is the same -- it's a little bit of a different beast, I think. But yes, absolutely. A lot of people that are performers have had somebody passed away when they're younger. So I think that does -- you know, that makes you kind of -- you know, a lot of huge celebrities have had that happened. So I think --
MORGAN: You still do stand-up?
HANDLER: Do -- yes, I do.
MORGAN: You have time in this ridiculous schedule of yours.
HANDLER: When I'm not being interrupted by you, I do.
MORGAN: Yes. I do stand up all the time. Obviously I go -- I mean I love stand-ups. That's how I started. So I like to be able to just kind of -- you know, you want to see your fans. I'm very appreciative that I have a career and that I have fans and that I have success. So I like to try and show up for people. And then --
MORGAN: Do you remember dying on your back side?
HANDLER: Yes, yes.
MORGAN: What is that like for a stand-up?
HANDLER: The worst feeling in the entire universe is to bomb. I bombed in front of executives of studios. I mean when I was 25, I did the Montreal Comedy Festival and I tanked it. And every important person in Hollywood was in that room and I ate it. And it was one of the worst.
Honestly, if I have to say the worst day of my life next to the day when that brother or my mother passed away, it would be that night at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
MORGAN: Well, I had it once. I made this -- I used to do a little speaking. And I made a speech.
HANDLER: It's happening to you right now.
MORGAN: Just dying. Horribly. We both are. It's a cataclysmic hell.
HANDLER: Don't count me in with you.
MORGAN: We're both being sucked down here.
HANDLER: I'm fine.
MORGAN: I'll be back on to run over you.
HANDLER: So am I.
MORGAN: I don't think so. Not on prime time.
HANDLER: Not on prime time.
(LAUGHTER) HANDLER: You're right. I don't ever want to be on prime time.
MORGAN: Could you handle that?
HANDLER: No. I don't think prime time could handle me.
MORGAN: Particular pressure when you (INAUDIBLE) other countries. You need to be a certain topic.
HANDLER: OK. OK. Well, let me try and see what I can glean from this.
MORGAN: And when we come back after a little break, I want to read out what you said to Katie Couric in her book about life experience.
MORGAN: I'll ask you about that.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HANDLER: Chuy, want to say hi to Norman?
CHUY, CHELSEA HANDLER'S SIDEKICK: Of course.
HANDLER: Chuy, he's been dying to meet you.
HANDLER: Do you want to talk about anything personal in your love life? No? Probably not, right?
JUSTIN BIEBER, SINGER: You look very beautiful.
MORGAN: You have free access to my bar and the only deal is you have to be the barmaid for the night.
HANDLER: Well, I have definitely done something like that before.
(END OF VIDEO CLIP)
MORGAN: The last bit was really good.
HANDLER: Thank you.
MORGAN: I love going to your show. HANDLER: I think you love seeing yourself on any show.
MORGAN: I don't deserve that.
HANDLER: That's the feeling and the impression I'm getting from you.
MORGAN: Well, don't we all, darling?
HANDLER: Well, I don't know. Do you watch your show?
HANDLER: Yes. I don't really watch myself very often.
MORGAN: As you want -- if it's gone wrong. I'm always curious about why things don't work. Goes as well, you're sort of, OK, well, that's fine.
HANDLER: Yes. I mean it's good to kind of keep an eye on things and see how you're doing as an interviewer or, you know, and see -- my problem is my voice. The cadence of my voice and modulation like I need to make sure that I don't talk like this and I don't get too excited because that is so annoying.
MORGAN: Well, I thought we bonded over our mutual dislike for Madonna.
HANDLER: I know. I don't like Madonna either.
MORGAN: Really can't stand her.
HANDLER: Well, what's to like? I mean she's obnoxious.
MORGAN: Don't you think?
HANDLER: Yes, I do.
MORGAN: Let's discuss this.
MORGAN: Why is she so obnoxious?
HANDLER: Well, she also -- her mother passed away. You know? So -- the harking back to your theory, she -- I don't know why she's so obnoxious. A lot of people seems to love her. So good for them.
But she just seems -- to me, my issue with Madonna is not that it's a personal one, because I've never met her, and I should I state that, but I just think she's just a class A narcissist. And I have a problem with narcissism and people that are only looking out for themselves.
MORGAN: Is there a difference between ego and narcissism?
HANDLER: Yes. I believe so.
MORGAN: What's the difference, do you think?
HANDLER: Well, if you're constantly -- you can care what people think about you, but you shouldn't only be serving yourself. You should be serving as many people as possible, but if you're only servicing yourself -- servicing yourself, which I'm sure that's something that's familiar to you.
HANDLER: You -- that's narcissism. When you think about yourself before others. So --
MORGAN: I want to read you this clip which is from Katie Couric's book about life experience. She said, if someone would have told me I've been able to make a living by hiring a bunch of my friends, throwing food out on a daily basis, and spending half an hour making fun of celebrities, I would have dropped out of kindergarten."
Good way of putting it. I mean what I would throw back at you is you've kind of become part of the world that originally you detested.
HANDLER: Exactly. It's like high school.
MORGAN: You are a big celeb now and you hang out with big celebs.
HANDLER: I do. But, you know, it's like going back to high school and I get to be popular this time. It was much harder the first time around. But who better for it to happen to because I take a whole bunch of misfits with me. So all the other people that were losers in high school get to live the high life, too. Look at my sidekick Chuy. Who's going to hire him?
MORGAN: Well, he's a great life.
HANDLER: Yes. Exactly.
MORGAN: You bring him over to meet Jennifer Aniston. I mean --
HANDLER: Yes, I mean --
MORGAN: Life doesn't get much better, does it?
HANDLER: No. And that's how a lot of people on my staff. You know they're living a great life so I try and keep that going. You have to spread the wealth and share it. That's my biggest -- you know, it's a big motto of mine. Don't just enjoy it by yourself. That's no fun at all.
MORGAN: I want to talk to you about love life. And invade your privacy for a moment.
HANDLER: OK. Go ahead.
MORGAN: What is the -- I presume I can ask you anything, right?
HANDLER: You can.
MORGAN: So what is the truth about your --
HANDLER: My love life?
MORGAN: Much-discussed and speculated on love life?
HANDLER: I don't know. What's happening now? You tell me.
MORGAN: Who are you currently having sex with?
HANDLER: I don't -- first of all I have to get his name because -- remind me. Will you remind me to call that guy?
MORGAN: It's that good, huh?
HANDLER: No. I have -- I'm seeing someone now, but I feel like I talk about my love life.
MORGAN: Which one is the --
HANDLER: No, several different men. So whoever I --
HANDLER: That sounds familiar actually.
HANDLER: But I have spent so much time exposing my personal to everybody that I finally am in a situation where I feel like it's disrespectful to another person.
MORGAN: You can't do that. You can't just --
HANDLER: Well, you know who I'm dating. We all know who I'm dating, what do you want me to talk about?
MORGAN: I'm just surprised --
HANDLER: His underwear?
MORGAN: This woman that tells every shocking detail about her love, sex life and this that, suddenly goes all coy on me.
HANDLER: Well, sorry.
(LAUGHTER) HANDLER: I am not being coy. We all know what's happening. We do.
MORGAN: Do we?
HANDLER: We do. Well, no, this isn't Mad Libs.
MORGAN: You've learned about privacy, haven't you?
HANDLER: Well, I've learned to respect somebody else's privacy. It's not about me because obviously I would like to make fun of him as much as humanly possible, but he has children.
HANDLER: So I have to be nice.
MORGAN: Tell me what was the truth of you and old 50?
HANDLER: We dated. Very casually. He was --
MORGAN: And what happened?
HANDLER: Nothing -- you know he's a very sweet and nice guy, but obviously -- I was just sampling, kind of the atmosphere and seeing what was out there. I was newly single and I wanted to date a bunch of different people and I did. And I'm satiated.
MORGAN: And what was he like to go out with?
HANDLER: He's fun. He's a great guy.
MORGAN: He's not what you imagine him to be, isn't he?
HANDLER: Not at all. He's a complete antithesis of what you would imagine. I mean he's a sweetheart. He's sweet and funny. He's got a great sense of humor.
MORGAN: He suggested towards the end, in an interview, that he was sending you gifts, and you began sending them back so I can afford my gifts.
HANDLER: I heard that.
MORGAN: Is that true?
HANDLER: Well, I don't really like gifts from rappers in general, since I'm not a hooker, but no. I don't think that's true verbatim.
MORGAN: Is there a semblance of truth there?
HANDLER: I've returned gifts, but I've returned gifts to plenty of people. I don't like when men buy me ridiculous gifts especially when I don't know them well. I can buy my own gifts. And I prefer to keep it that way.
MORGAN: We'll take a break and when we come back, I'm going to ask you if there's any line you wouldn't cross in comedy.
HANDLER: Having you open for me.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HANDLER: Did you see the sneakers you wore today? It's Spalding. You never called -- the time that you're connected when you buy them.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: They look like nursing shoes.
HANDLER: Are you a nurse?
Something my staff dresses like homeless people and the smell is pretty bad, too. I may not be a stickler for professionalism, but I am a stickler for not dressing like a (EXPLETIVE DELETED) moron. That's why I started the "Nope" board. Wear something retarded or offensive and it goes on the board.
(END OF VIDEO CLIP)
MORGAN: I watched this for the first time last night. By chance. I just found it on one of the channels. I was channel hopping.
HANDLER: That's the way I felt about this show.
MORGAN: But what made me laugh, it reminded me the first time I ever saw "The Office" in Britain which is the first place it aired, where for about five minutes, I thought I was watching a genuine documentary. And then I began to realize this wasn't and it was actually supposed to be -- you know, this is all a bit of a joke. But it could have been true. I can -- having read a bit of your book, I was like, this could be real.
HANDLER: Well, it is real. That's what people don't seem to understand, is that -- people are saying, this is -- it's real. These -- the situations are reenacting real things and circumstances that have happened in our office and I've created an environment that couldn't be more shameful.
It's ridiculous the way that people are behaving. It's completely immature and it's not adult-like, but we're not at the main offices of E!, so we can get away with anything that we want because I'm basically in charge and some security guy from Armenia who weighs about 90 pounds. So I mean they're not -- they're not giving us much to work with anyway. So we are ridiculous but we decided to kind of do the -- you know, the show based on the fact that it was ridiculous the way that our office works.
MORGAN: How do you feel about being called the male -- the female version of Ryan Seacrest?
HANDLER: He's the female version of Ryan Seacrest.
HANDLER: I'm the male version of Ryan. Are you kidding me? You know I like -- Ryan is a very hard worker and I respect that always.
MORGAN: Is he your boss?
HANDLER: Ryan Seacrest?
HANDLER: No. He's the Kardashians' boss.
MORGAN: What has happened with your contract?
HANDLER: Well, it expires soon.
MORGAN: And you have repeatedly said two things in all these interviews I keep reading. One is you want to get out of all this before you're 40. And the clock is slightly ticking there.
HANDLER: Thank you.
MORGAN: If there is a polite way of putting it. And the other thing I'd say is you always say that you're sort of frustrated because it's kind of mindless. In a very entertaining way. But there's nothing that challenges your quite substantial cerebral mass.
HANDLER: Well, I think that, you know, it's an interesting time and as you and I have spoken about that you like to be able to mix, you know, the seriousness with the light and maybe the funny, not-so- funny in your case, obviously. But you know, you do a show like "America's Got Talent" and then you get to do a serious news show here where you're discussing Libya or whatever the news of -- you know, the time is.
But I feel very strongly that, you know, I am getting into a place where I need to be doing something where I'm challenging myself a little bit more and not kind of -- you know, I've put in a lot of work just to get the audience and now I feel like it's a responsibility to kind of change it and do something a little bit more mindful.
Obviously you want to be silly and provide comedy to the people that are -- you know, your fan base.
MORGAN: You see I know where you should go. If I was managing you, and I'd love to manage you, you -- I would pitch you as you're the female Jon Stewart. That's where you should be. You should be doing more serious stuff as well.
HANDLER: Well, I -- I will probably.
MORGAN: I think you can do that really well, that kind of show.
HANDLER: Yes. I mean that kind of show is very attractive to me, but again it's the same, you know, I don't want to do the same show every single night. I want to have kind of a combination of things, you know, with the books and the stand-up. You get to a place where you're so sick of the point of view, there is a smarter way to do things.
So I think the next step for me is definitely figuring out a way to do, you know, more responsible stuff and kind of also keep the fan base that -- you know you've accumulated.
MORGAN: I think you're worth $20 million?
HANDLER: Worth $20 million?
MORGAN: Is that true?
HANDLER: No, that's how much it costs to rent me for the night.
MORGAN: Well, what are you worth?
HANDLER: I don't know.
MORGAN: Yes, you do.
HANDLER: No, I don't.
MORGAN: I bet all those people know exactly how much you are worth.
HANDLER: I don't know how much I'm worth.
MORGAN: I think you're a ruthless business machine.
HANDLER: What is -- I am ruthless when it comes to business, but was it your worth?
MORGAN: Well, then you know what you're worth.
HANDLER: I would never discuss that. Anyone can find out how much money I make. So I don't need to be -- just they can. What kind of --
MORGAN: How? HANDLER: Why are you -- shut up. Just shut up.
MORGAN: There's the promo.
HANDLER: Just --
HANDLER: No, no. I can't discuss money.
MORGAN: Why are you being so coy again?
HANDLER: Because it's gross. That's not in good form to discuss how much money you earn.
MORGAN: Well, I find you fascinating because --
HANDLER: Obviously I'm doing fine.
MORGAN: No, but you're a little empire builder.
HANDLER: I don't like to talk about money. I just don't like to talk about it in those schemes and on a national television show even if only 200 or 300 people are tuning in to this show. I don't think it's appropriate to talk about money in that way. We all know that I am able to pay my bills.
MORGAN: I can't believe you look at me with a straight face talking about what's appropriate to talk about.
HANDLER: Well, there are certain things.
MORGAN: I have read the book.
HANDLER: I -- right.
MORGAN: I mean one of the most inappropriate terms ever written.
HANDLER: But I deem appropriate versus what you deem appropriate are two separate things. Would you ever pull somebody's pants down in the hallway that was working for you? Probably not.
MORGAN: No, I wouldn't.
HANDLER: I don't have a problem with that.
MORGAN: I know.
HANDLER: So that's where we differ.
MORGAN: But you like being successful.
MORGAN: How would you like to spend this money you don't want to talk about?
HANDLER: I like vacations a lot. I like to bring lots of people with me on vacation. I have a lot of friends and I have a lot of family so --
MORGAN: Are you generous?
HANDLER: Yes, I'm very generous. That's the best thing about me.
MORGAN: What's the worst?
HANDLER: I have no patience. Very impatient.
MORGAN: Does that make you naturally mischievous bordering on annoying?
HANDLER: I've crossed the line into annoying several times. I am -- I can be very annoying, but yes, I have no patience. And I don't believe patience is a virtue because as I got older, it's gotten worse.
MORGAN: We'll take another break now, when we come back, I want to talk to you about --
HANDLER: Did you hear when I just said?
MORGAN: Not really. No.
I want to talk to you about the -- I also know you were going to ask, that's my point. Let's talk about vodka when we come back.
MORGAN: Yes. Because it's the one thing I think you and I can talk about with equal joy.
HANDLER: OK. OK.
MORGAN: Chelsea, the book is called "Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me." Are you just a compulsive liar?
HANDLER: Wait. First let me explain this book because I have it. This is a book that is compiled by all my friends. Well, not all of them, but a lot of my friends and brothers and sisters who wrote chapters about different ways that I have screwed them over.
It was basically -- you know, I have a publishing imprint, and I wanted to figure out a way to deliver another book that I didn't have to sit down and write myself. So I edited this book and added little things at the end of every chapter.
I put in tons of pictures of our personal lives and stuff like that. So it's really -- I really think it's hilarious.
MORGAN: It's very, very funny. But you don't emerge exactly in a brilliant way. I mean, you emerge as a serial pain in the ass.
HANDLER: But I am not trying to get people to like me. I don't really care. I mean, if I was doing that then I wouldn't even be speaking right now. Obviously, there is no denouement at the end of this book. There's no I'm going to come around and be this great, sweet girl.
I am not going to be like that. So if you don't like me, that's fine
MORGAN: What are kind of girl are you?
HANDLER: I'm -- you know. You know exactly what kind of girl I am.
MORGAN: I want to hear it from your lips?
HANDLER: I'm a pain in the ass.
MORGAN: But in quite a good way?
HANDLER: I think it's OK. But I'm sure there have been plenty of people in my past that haven't thought that way. It's not easy to be with me or around me all the time.
MORGAN: How many times have you been properly in love?
HANDLER: Properly in love? That's a good question actually. I would say twice.
MORGAN: With who?
HANDLER: Two of the guys -- both of the people I dated. So that's your answer.
MORGAN: Is one the current one?
MORGAN: Not yet?
HANDLER: No, no, no. I have strong feelings for her. I mean him, sorry. Oopsy. Anyway, whoever it is, I am deeply and madly in love with them.
MORGAN: So Andre is one. HANDLER: And what's your next question.
MORGAN: Who was the other one?
HANDLER: My ex-boyfriend Ted. I was in love with him.
MORGAN: You were? He is now one of my bosses.
HANDLER: Is he?
MORGAN: Yes. At NBC, he's the big boss of --
HANDLER: Will you tell him hello for me?
MORGAN: Yes, I will. Anything you want to say?
HANDLER: No. No. I have said it all.
MORGAN: You really have.
MORGAN: Laughably, you said in the Katie Couric thing -- let me remind you.
HANDLER: Do you think I mince my words?
MORGAN: No, not at all. You said -- your final line was "no matter what, don't sleep with your boss," but you did.
HANDLER: I did. Yes, of course.
MORGAN: Is it wise to dip your pen in company ink?
HANDLER: I don't think it really matters. If you are in love with somebody, and I was -- it had nothing to do with him being my boss. It's just how we came together. I mean, people are going to say whatever.
But, yes, no. I encourage sleeping around with people you work with. I encourage inter-office romance. Absolutely.
MORGAN: Do you? Why?
HANDLER: Because it's fun and it gives us something to watch.
MORGAN: It's quite naughty too.
HANDLER: Yes, but who cares. That's so -- that's so -- anyone who said oh, you can't date someone you work with, that is like in the 1970s
MORGAN: How have you resisted getting married?
HANDLER: Well, that's an interesting question as well. It doesn't seem like the most appealing thing in the world. It hasn't seemed like the most appealing thing in the world to me. I am also not that excited to get divorced, so I figure the best way to avoid that is to avoid getting married in the first place.
MORGAN: But do you have a little part of you that dreams wistfully of a fairy tale wedding?
HANDLER: I wouldn't say that, no. I have considered marriage at certain times in my life. I wouldn't say that I want a fairy tale wedding. If I did get married, it would be very small and discrete.
MORGAN: When you talk about your career path and you talk about how you are feeling now, just your yearning for something a little bit more serious and substantial, these things do tend to go hand in hand. It's like you've grown up a bit.
HANDLER: I do feel like I have grown up a but. Thank you for noticing , Piers
MORGAN: I have. There have been moments in this interview you have been bordering on adult.
HANDLER: Thank you. I appreciate that. At the tender age of 36, I am slowly starting to show some signs of maturity.
MORGAN: Do you think wedding bells may knock soon.
HANDLER: I don't think that's appropriate thing for me to discuss with you.
MORGAN: So many --
HANDLER: I don't know.
MORGAN: So many inappropriate things now in your life.
HANDLER: It's my maturity. Can you believe it?
MORGAN: That's what I'm getting at.
HANDLER: No, I just don't know that you are the person that I should be discussing my marriage with, since I haven't really discussed it with anybody else.
MORGAN: What marriage?
MORGAN: No, what marriage? You said you are discussing a marriage.
HANDLER: My future maybe happening wedding.
MORGAN: So it may happen.
HANDLER: No, I don't know. Anything could happen. I could have twins, but that's probably not going to happen.
MORGAN: Are you having twins?
MORGAN: You're not pregnant?
HANDLER: No, not that I know of. Not the last time I checked.
MORGAN: Would you like children?
HANDLER: No. That's definitely not going to happen.
MORGAN: Really? Never going to happen?
HANDLER: I hope not.
HANDLER: Because I'm not somebody that wants to be a mother. I have a lot of children in my live from my friends and my family. I don't want to be -- I have no desire to have a child of my own.
MORGAN: I'm surprised by that.
MORGAN: Because I think you would be a good mother.
HANDLER: Well, that's sweet of you, but you wouldn't know what kind of mother I would be.
MORGAN: I can imagine. I read the books. You are very loyal. You are very loving. You are very generous. Big hearted.
HANDLER: Thank you.'
MORGAN: Those are qualities that make a good mother.
HANDLER: Pull yourself together. You're embarrassing yourself. I feel like there is a lot to give and there's a lot to go around. And I honestly feel like I am the type of person that if I had a child, I think a lot of other things would fall short in my life, because I would be so hyper focused on that.
I feel like some people have a child because they think it's time. I'm going to be -- I'm in my late 30s. I should have a baby because what if I can't have one.
MORGAN: Aren't you basically articulating the great modern dilemma for successful women, is that they talk themselves perhaps into this mind set that I can't do this because it will suck my energy out of where it should be, which is my work.
HANDLER: Perhaps. Yes, that's not my mindset. I just don't want a baby. I don't really want to procreate and have my own genes displayed in front of me.
MORGAN: Like a little Chelsea to play with?
HANDLER: She would be awful. She would be terrible. I wouldn't do that to a man or I wouldn't do that to the country.
MORGAN: Going to have another little break now, let you recover again. When we come back, I want to talk to you about who makes you laugh, other than me.
HANDLER: OK, let me think about that. Luckily we have this break for a minute.
MORGAN: Who makes you laugh? Really makes you laugh?
HANDLER: I guess everyone that I work with. Stupidity makes me laugh. Really, really banal nonsense. I like to just really be -- it's not as cerebral as much. I don't enjoy that as much.
I would rather watch somebody speak seriously. That's cerebral.
But, of course, I love Bill Maher. I think that he's cerebrally funny. What really makes me laugh is just stupid, stupid stuff.
MORGAN: When you watched Ricky Gervais say at the Golden Globes, causing outrage with his very dark kind of Hollywood humor, do you laugh with him, do you laugh at the situation? What was your reaction?
HANDLER: I think both. I think he was great. I didn't see it. I was out of town. I didn't see it until a few days after. But obviously everyone was talking about it.
I think Ricky is hilarious. I thought it was perfect. I think those people deserve to be made fun of. You're talking about people who are making millions of dollars a year doing what they love to do and you can't take a joke about yourself? I mean, come on. That's ridiculous.
MORGAN: You hosted the VMAs and got absolutely canned the next day, worst hosting ever and all that kind of thing. You were quite amusing after. You said you know it is going to be the worst day of your life even before you do it.
HANDLER: Of course. As soon as you agree to do it, you say just get ready. I told my staff, get ready for the next day. It's not going to be pretty.
Everyone gets -- nobody ever does a good job at that. But I know that and I don't really care. I know other -- Ricky, I have read interviews about him talking about it. And Patel (ph), it's really rattled him, because I don't think he's ever got that kind of feedback.
Luckily, I am used to getting that kind of feedback. So I have no problem with it. It wasn't -- it's not like I love it. It doesn't ruin my day.
MORGAN: What makes your day? What is the perfect show? If you can choose the perfect guest? I've heard you say it would be David Hasselhoff and Paula Adbul.
I know why you are saying that. You are being naughty. Because you think they are just going to self implode and you're going to have a lot of fun with it.
HANDLER: Yes, no. I mean, what are makes my day? I like when the show runs well and is efficient and it's just -- I like to get in and have a full day. I like to work out. I like to get everything done.
I don't like to be overwhelmed. It's not just -- the mechanics of the show -- I just like it to be funny and I like to have fun when I'm doing it.
MORGAN: What's the worst type of guest for you?
HANDLER: People who are so nervous. I mean, I can understand nervousness. I get that. But people who just can't -- you can at least talk about something you feel comfortable with. Even if you are nervous, you have to find areas that make you feel comfortable so that you can speak without looking like a mess of a person.
So when people are so overly nervous, it's very, very taxing to have to interview them. I mean, it's only seven or eight minute interview on my show, so I'm lucky, but -- and otherwise stupid people.
MORGAN: Talking of stupidity, I know that you -- I have come back to this point -- that sometimes you kind of rail against sometimes the innate stupidity of the kind of show you do. If you were doing a more serious thing, what kind of issues really get you going?
HANDLER: Well, I'm interested in politics. I'm interested in human interest stories. I like -- I want people to be aware of the stuff. I think everything that's happening with the tabloids -- you know, "People Magazine" used to be a magazine about human interest stories. Even if you weren't the most educated or interested person in the world, you could at least get your fill of something that was a little bit more responsible
MORGAN: Any politicians that you just can't stand? HANDLER: Well, Boehner is ridiculous.
MORGAN: What's wrong with Boehner?
HANDLER: Really? Come on.
MORGAN: Man in touch with his emotional side?
HANDLER: Emotional side? He doesn't even know what he's doing or where he is working. Forget his emotions. Let's talk about the rest of him.
MORGAN: Sarah Palin. Are you a fan of hers?
HANDLER: That's not a serious person. I can't even -- I can't hate her.
MORGAN: Do you ever wake up and think, my God, she could be president.
HANDLER: No, I don't. I refuse to think that's even an option.
MORGAN: President Trump?
HANDLER: That's getting interesting.
MORGAN: I hear he is doing very well.
HANDLER: Is he?
MORGAN: He is way ahead in all the polls
HANDLER: I don't really trust polls.
MORGAN: What else do we have to go on?
HANDLER: Well, hopefully our minds, because that would be ridiculous if Donald Trump became president.
MORGAN: Would it be ridiculous?
HANDLER: Yes, it would.
MORGAN: Ronald Reagan became one the most popular presidents in history and he was a B movie actor.
HANDLER: Yes. Well, Arnold Schwarzenegger was also the governor of California. Look how great that turned out.
MORGAN: Was that really his fault?
MORGAN: Do you think so?
HANDLER: Well, not entirely. Nothing is entirely anybody's fault.
MORGAN: Would anybody have been governor of California in that financial crisis and not caught a big cold?
HANDLER: No, I think he was very irresponsible. That was very irresponsible. We are in very, very bad shape as a state. I know that you hail from the other side of the pond, but no, I mean it's not a popularity contest. Sometimes it turns out to be. You're absolutely right. And that's really sad.
I hope to God that Sarah Palin never even comes close to becoming the president of any country that I have stepped foot in.
MORGAN: Did you vote for Obama?
HANDLER: Of course.
MORGAN: Would you again?
HANDLER: Yes, of course.
MORGAN: Do you think he has lived up to hope and audacity?
HANDLER: Well, I think it takes a long time to get things accomplished?
MORGAN: That wasn't really -- that wasn't the question.
HANDLER: Yes. Hope and audacity, absolutely. Has he fulfilled every requirement that people were expecting of him? No. But who -- this is the hardest job in the country. It's not easy. Nothing happens overnight. People who are so impatient need to be less impatient.
MORGAN: It's interesting.
HANDLER: I exercise my patience with government.
MORGAN: The world's least patient woman saying let's be patient with President Obama.
HANDLER: I love Barack Obama. I mean, come on.
MORGAN: Have you met him?
MORGAN: What happened?
HANDLER: He asked me where Chewy was actually.
MORGAN: He didn't?
HANDLER: He did. He did. I met him at a fund-raiser before he was elected. And we waited in line and I walked up and he said oh, you're very funny. I enjoy your show. I went, why are you watching? I thought what? This guy is going to be president. And then he said, where's Chewy. And I went, oh, my God.
MORGAN: Going to have one last little break. When we come back, I want to ask you what's the future? What does the future hold for Chelsea Handler Incorporated, this burgeoning empire?
HANDLER: No, I don't want it.
MORGAN: I need one after that. Thank goodness for that.
By the way, airbrushed? I mean --
HANDLER: Really? (EXPLETIVE DELETED) off. I'm tired today. Do I look terrible? Probably.
MORGAN: I just wondered.
HANDLER: Of course it's airbrushed. Everything is airbrushed. What kind of question is that?
MORGAN: You don't have to be so touchy about it.
HANDLER: I'm not touchy about it. You're just trying to be obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious. That's a lot different than what I do.
HANDLER: I'm just talking about my feelings. They happen to be obnoxious.
MORGAN: Talking of being obnoxious, what is your next big thing? Where does this empire go next?
HANDLER: I don't know. I have no idea where it goes. We'll have to see. I have to renegotiate my deal if I want to stay at E.
MORGAN: Do you want to stay there?
HANDLER: I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm open to staying there, yeah. But we have to figure out something that makes sense that I could do this. And I also want to do some other things and figure out, you know, what the future holds. I don't really know.
MORGAN: What's the dream job now? Choose any job in the world? HANDLER: I'm producing a bunch of TV shows. I have a production company. So I like that. And I definitely want to do another show -- do another show with myself that's more kind of news worthy and more what we were talking about earlier.
So I have such a huge female audience, it's -- I want to steer that in a direction that's a little bit more sound, because we shouldn't be picking up magazines and reading about people and the stories -- now that I know how made up this all is -- I mean, it's all such nonsense.
MORGAN: What's been the most ridiculous thing you read about yourself?
HANDLER: Oh -- I mean -- well, the easiest thing that people -- people can write about me, because I'm so forthcoming about my life and that I like Belvedere, you know, and that I'm not a stickler for a lot of rules in my personal life or that kind of thing.
So people will take advantage of that and say oh, she did this and that. I'm actually the most responsible probably active drinker you'll ever meet. I don't fall down. I don't slur. I don't -- people write things and it's like that's so not who I am.
I've been there. But the most ridiculous would be me and Jennifer Anniston hosting boy parties trying to pick up men.
MORGAN: Ever do that?
HANDLER: We don't -- no, we don't.
MORGAN: You just killed a dream. Really?
MORGAN: I was going to make myself available.
HANDLER: To bad you weren't invited to begin with. Too bad it's not real.
MORGAN: I actually met Jennifer Anniston at one of the Oscar parties. I really liked her.
HANDLER: There's nothing not to like about her.
MORGAN: Seriously. A very, very nice lady.
HANDLER: She is.
MORGAN: And funny and warm. And thought wow, just the caricature of people can be so crazy these days.
HANDLER: Yes, absolutely. She's very warm. She's one of the nicest people.
MORGAN: What do you do when you go out together? HANDLER: We go over to her house, hang out. We don't do much.
MORGAN: Picture the scene. There's Chelsea Handler. There's Jennifer Anniston.
HANDLER: It's exactly what's happening with us. Any person that I hang out with that's a celebrity is a real person. You know that. So they're not -- no one is like what you think. Everybody has -- some people are. Some people are bigger than life.
Madonna is perfect example of somebody I would never want to hang out with.
MORGAN: She wouldn't be real?
HANDLER: You could have a conversation with her. It would be a monologue about her. I've heard her music. I don't need to hear that.
MORGAN: If you could relive one moment in your life in five minutes to live, what would it be?
HANDLER: I would say the best moment of my life would be when my "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" book came out last year, and they called to tell me that I was number one on the list --
MORGAN: On "the New York Times" best seller?
HANDLER: On "the New York Times" best seller, but my other two books were number two and three. I wanted to be number one, but I had no idea that the other books would be number two and three. They have it on video in my office because they were shooting me on this book tour. They have that moment.
And that was the best, because they said number one. And I saw the video of myself. And I'm like, I was so happy for her. I was watching, and I'm like, look at her. Oh! That was the best day of my life.
Why would you say?
HANDLER: Because I have no business writing books. I didn't graduate from college. I just made my own path. And the fact that it worked or it works to some degree and that I have success is such a joke and such an FU to every person that told me that there's a certain way. You have to have a TV show and there's a certain format and you have to do it this way and you can't write a book about one night stands and you can't --
Everyone just said no, no, no. And all you do is want -- all that means is that it takes one person to say yes, because it really truly does -- one person has to say yes to you. And then you can do whatever you want.
MORGAN: You can say yes to me any time.
HANDLER: Oh, thank you.
MORGAN: Chelsea, it's been a real pleasure.
HANDLER: Thank you, Piers. It has been a pleasure actually.
MORGAN: Tomorrow nigh, it was the crime that shocked the world, the disappearance of four-year-old Madeleine McCann.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MORGAN: Do you both 100 percent believe she's still alive or do you have to believe that?
KATE MCCANN, MOTHER MOF MADELEINE MACCANN: I don't think that we can say 100 percent. We're realistic. We know that there's a chance she may not be alive. What we do know is there's a very good chance that she is alive and there's certainly nothing to suggest otherwise.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
MORGAN: Now her parents, Gerry and Kate McCann, sit down with me for a word exclusive interview in which they talk about their daughter. Don't miss PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT tomorrow. Here's my colleague Anderson Cooper with "AC 360."