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Encore: Is Your Teen Sexually Active?; Sex and Friends with Benefits
Aired May 18, 2011 - 21:00:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DR. DREW PINSKY, HLN HOST: Here we go now. Tonight we`re talking sex and sexuality.
Teen sex, sex with friends, sexless marriages, anything you want to know about sex and it`s all in the next 60 minutes. So let`s get started.
Tonight we`re going to have an important and mature conversation about sex. Who`s having it, who`s not, who wants it, who loves it, who hates it. It`s everywhere in our culture, but really talked about honestly almost nowhere. So watch this. And then we`ll start the dialogue.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It`s time you and I had the talk.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And I shouldn`t have sex.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I think on your 30th birthday.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We`re going to make a sex tape.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The diddy on the dirty.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What do you think of my hips?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What I want to know is women come in on the bed.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I have what?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It`s called Chlamydia.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You dirty dog.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He was trading intimate text messages with another woman.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh my god, I have to deal with this. And it was hard. It was devastating. It was heartbreaking. It was hard.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY: It is just out there everywhere, and no one`s having a really careful conversation about this.
Now, if you`re the parent of a teen, you need to pay attention to the following stats. Thirteen percent of teens have had vaginal intercourse by the age of 15. By their 19th birthday, 7 and 10 teens had. A couple of those numbers with these statistics, and you understand why parents have a lot of concern or cause for concern.
A sexually active teen who does not use a contraceptive has a 90 percent chance of becoming pregnant within a year. Although 15 to 24-year- olds represent only one quarter of the sexually active population, they account for nearly half, that is 9.1 million of the 18.9 million new cases of STIs each year including HIV and AIDS.
Now, first of all, I want to say, if parents at home have concern about what we`re talking about tonight, please make your viewing choices with your kids accordingly. I think you ought to be watching this with children and having this conversation. We`re going to deal with this maturely, gently, carefully.
But let me just say, something`s going wrong. With all those STIs in young people. We did teen moms earlier in the week. I threw out all those data about teen pregnancies and how common it is. We`re doing something wrong. We do the least well of all industrialized nations.
So let`s considered teenagers an asset. Let`s consider the media an asset and see if we can do something reasonable with this problem.
So the first block here, joining me are three courageous high school students. They`re here to talk honestly about this topic. I have Danielle and Shelby, both are 17 years of age. I also have Adam. He is 15. And also I have Michelle Golland. She is a clinical psychologist who works with teens.
Now first, I`m going to start with Danielle who`s the closest to me. What is it look like, what is it like for high school students today?
DANIELLE, 17, LOST VIRGINITY WHEN SHE WAS 16: It`s really hard, because a lot of high school students, they don`t have really good communication with their parents. And a lot of people are really sheltering their kids from what`s really happening, because they`re like, oh my baby, I don`t want her to grow up. I don`t want her to grow up.
PINSKY: Well, it`s tough as a parent to deal with that. That`s another topic that no one ever talks about is that our little babies are growing up and becoming mature, sexual adults.
DANIELLE: Yes, but if you -- I feel like if you shelter your kids so much, they`re going to want to do more things. My mom and I are very open with each other, and she knows some -- she knows all of the things I`ve done and that`s just because I feel --
PINSKY: Do you feel comfortable talking about that here?
DANIELLE: I feel totally comfortable talking about that here.
PINSKY: What have you done?
DANIELLE: I have had sex before with a boy who I was with for a couple months, like eight months. And --
PINSKY: Did you discuss it with your mom?
DANIELLE: I discussed it with my mom.
PINSKY: Did you discuss it before you did it?
DANIELLE: No. I didn`t really want to talk about it. I discussed it after I did it, but she knew right when she saw my face.
PINSKY: But might not it have been a good idea to discuss it before?
DANIELLE: Yes. It will have.
PINSKY: Do you regret having done it?
DANIELLE: In a way I do, because I mean, if I could have gone back in time, I would have waited.
PINSKY: Michelle, Dr. Golland, I`m not yet a teenager yet female who didn`t say that. I wish I could have just waited longer. No matter what the age was almost.
DR. MICHELLE GOLLAND, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST: Right. I think the problem is, Dr. Drew, is that we view this issue through the lens of politics and religion, instead of a public health issue. Period. That`s what this is.
PINSKY: And these kids, as such, are the source of information on this public health issue. So I`m going to go on to Shelby.
Shelby, what`s it look like from your standpoint?
SHELBY, 17, LOST VIRGINITY WHEN SHE WAS 16: At school everybody, everyone`s doing it.
SHELBY: Well, not everyone, but most people they are doing it. It`s talked about so much. And parents really are just in the dark about it. Where I live, in my town, there`s a very highly religious population, and they just don`t want to admit that their kids are having sex and involving in sexual activity. They just don`t want to admit to it.
PINSKY: You have only the "what`s talked about." So we don`t know for sure what`s being talked about is actually what`s happening, I suppose, right?
PINSKY: But at least for sure -- you seem -- are you tearing up?
SHELBY: No. No.
PINSKY: In your town, it`s being talked about constantly.
SHELBY: Yeah. Like people come back from Monday, the weekend, they`re like, oh, yeah, this is what I did this weekend and I just -- I don`t understand why it`s, like, a game for guys. It`s a game to see how many girls that they can have sex with or, like, and they get praised for it, too. And us girls, we sit back and if we, like, people judge us. And they`re like, oh, you`re a whore if you go out and have sex with a guy.
PINSKY: Who are the people that judge you?
SHELBY: Our peers.
PINSKY: Your female peers?
SHELBY: No, just high school students.
PINSKY: Boys or girls?
PINSKY: Are girls a little harsher?
DANIELLE: Girls are --
SHELBY: Yes --
PINSKY: This is the thing that troubles me is the girls are worse.
Adam, you`re laughing about this.
ADAM, 15, PURSUED BY GIRLS: Sorry.
PINSKY: But go ahead, what`s it look like from your standpoint?
ADAM: Well, guys, like, I have a couple guy friends who are just like, yeah, I`ve done it.
PINSKY: At 15?
ADAM: Yes. At 15. And I have a couple of girl friends who have done that, too. At 15.
PINSKY: Do you think that`s a good idea?
ADAM: Not really. I mean, why? Just the question I have. Just why do it when you could just wait until later and make it better? Not better, but, like --
PINSKY: More reasonable.
Has it become normal for a 16, 17-year-old? Is it normal? Is it considered you should be doing that?
ADAM: Well --
DANIELLE: I think people are pressured into doing it.
PINSKY: By whom?
DANIELLE: By the guy that they`re with, by music, by TV, television. Just -- they want to know what it`s like to have sex because apparently everybody`s doing it. But I feel like you have to be emotionally ready. It`s not just physical. So many emotions go with it. And a lot of girls have sex with a guy to make them closer. And that`s not what`s going to make you closer. Like, sex and making love are two different things. Not a lot of people know.
PINSKY: Why don`t they know that?
DANIELLE: Because they`re not fully developed yet. They don`t -- maturely.
ADAM: They`re too young.
PINSKY: Do you think the internet has had a role to play here? Doesn`t pornography and all that nonsense, the internet just rain down on you guys?
DANIELLE: The media.
ADAM: It`s so easy to get -- I mean, like, it`s so easy to get to those, you know, Web sites, of, like, porno and stuff like that.
PINSKY: Do you think it affects -- males, your age, do you think it affects how they think about young women or women at all?
ADAM: Like, a couple guys have thought of it more of as a prize instead of a person. Or women, I mean. Like, they think as like, oh, yeah, I got this chick. It`s like win for me, instead of --
SHELBY: They high five at school about it all the time. They`re like oh, yeah, I had sex with so-and-so. And I see it every day. They`re just like high five. And I`m like, are you kidding me? Like, sex isn`t something that should be a game. It should be, like, respected and you should value, like, sex with one and it shouldn`t just be thrown away with a random person. You should --
DANIELLE: It`s a competition for guys. Like, I had sex with her. I had sex with this one. I had sex with that one. And then for girls, a lot of girls, like I said, just do it to bring yourself closer, but a lot of, like, I think a lot of girls do it because they`re insecure with themselves and they haven`t really met -- not a lot of girls -- they say the word I love you and they just think having sex will just make, will prove that love, but --
PINSKY: Which is sad, right?
GOLLAND: Right. And I think, you know, one of the big issues that needs to be addressed is that we as parents have to speak directly and honestly with our kids. And really give them all the information.
But again, this overwhelming political and religious bend that we don`t talk about it in public school, that we can`t address it really. It really colors everything that I think we as parents do. And we know statistically, unfortunately, Dr. Drew, we are failing them. We are failing -- we`re the adults, we are the country that can, you know, take this and do this and do what we need to do politically. And we don`t do it.
PINSKY: We don`t look at it as a health issue.
GOLLAND: It`s a health issue.
PINSKY: But, Shelby, you seem emotional to me. Did something happen to you with this topic?
SHELBY: No. Well, actually, today, I just told my mom that I had sex. Today actually. And I just want to thank you for that, for --
PINSKY: You`re smiling.
Was it a good experience?
SHELBY: It was a good experience. She wasn`t as mad as I thought she would be, but she feels okay with it.
PINSKY: And let me speak on behalf of parents. If we get, if we were to get mad at you for telling us something tender about yourself like that, it would be out of fear of you getting hurt.
PINSKY: That would be really what we`re responding to, not that you disappointed us or you`re not a good person, we don`t love you. It scares us.
PINSKY: And we respond with the only primitive way we know how, which is not a great response.
GOLLAND: Yes. And I think that we have to address the fact that, you know, teens are sexually active because they have sexual hormones running through their body. We have to -- I mean, don`t you remember? I mean, I do. It`s what happens.
GOLLAND: And so we have to teach them about other things, Dr. Drew. Honestly, like masturbation, about why they feel the things they do and really be honest about how they feel about sex and their bodies.
PINSKY: And it is, let`s be clear, it`s a very personal dialogue that every parent, child or family has to negotiate. But somewhere we`re failing kids. I think the media is failing. I`m hoping this conversation helps a little bit. And I think we as parents need to step our game up a little bit.
Now, thank you to the panel. Thank you, guys. Thank you for your courageousness, ladies.
Adam, thank you.
SHELBY: Thank you.
PINSKY: Dr. Michelle, thank you. And we`ll see you back no doubt.
Now, I have a very special surprise for everybody. Somebody is joining me in the rest of the show. And because when I talk about relationships and sex, there`s sort of one guy I need to talk to, with, by my side. Now I know you can`t tell who this is because he`s got a bar over his eyes. But perhaps if I put a dime up for scale, you`ll get a clearer idea of who this might be.
Yes, he joins me next. I can`t do this without him. So he`ll be here with me. Stay tuned.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I miss sex.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I miss sex, too.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I mean, sometimes you just need it.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why does it always have to come with complications?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And emotions.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It`s a physical act like playing tennis.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You want more beer?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes. Let`s play tennis.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY: That was from the new film "Friends With Benefits." And that`s what we`re here talking about.
"Friends With Benefits" basically means you`re friends, we love each other, we hang out a little bit, we have sex once in a while, no big deal. It`s not a relationship, not a romantic relationship, no strings attached. There`s various ways of describing it.
And because it`s so complicated, I need a little help here so I`ve called on my former "Love Line" cohort, Adam Carolla, who no doubt will have something to say on this topic.
Adam, we spent a few years in this very position.
ADAM CAROLLA, DR. DREW`S FORMER "LOVELINE" CO-HOST: Sure.
CAROLLA: Well, we had other positions on the road, Dr. Drew. Speaking of friends with benefits.
PINSKY: That`s what I`m saying. All right.
Well, welcome Alex Surer and Davis Reed. They are best friends. And they say they maintain the benefits of that friendship and it`s fine.
And I`ve got Reena Elizabeth, also. She had her heartbroken when she tried to have sex with a friend.
Now Alex and Davis, when did this go from friendship to something more?
ALEX SURER, HAS SEX WITH BEST FRIEND: For me, straightaway?
DAVIS REED, HAD SEX WITH BEST FRIEND: Straightaway.
SURER: Well, I`m attracted immediately, but then I get that I had to back off a little because he didn`t trust that I could handle not going to a serious relationship.
REED: And the goal, my goal, purpose, was to be honest. I don`t want a relationship whatsoever. That`s rare.
PINSKY: It`s rare that a guy wants sex without a relationship?
REED: Yes. So I was honest from the get-go.
CAROLLA: All you have to do is hit the crew and I`ll throw up ten guys --
REED: What I`m saying, I would go to these guys -- no, but you have to worry about how the female is going to come across. You don`t want to hurt their feelings. And so if you`re lucky enough to find somebody who feels the same way, then it`s safe.
PINSKY: Alex, tell me a dig deep on this one. Don`t you think on some level you were hoping that if it became a physical intimacy it could one day develop into an emotional intimacy as well?
SURER: On every level.
PINSKY: That`s true?
SURER: We`re hard wired that way. We want to be as intimate as possible. I mean, I want to have everything, but the age I`m at now, I know what kind of luggage this guy brings. I mean, he`s had it all. You know, he`s been married, he`s had kids. He`s just done it all. I know about -- he`s not going to do it again, like --
REENA ELIZABETH: They never are. Guys are never going to be committed. I mean, they want the sex. That`s basically what they want. And if you give them the sex, they`re happy and you don`t ask them to call you. You know, so it`s just, what you said at the beginning, it`s like I love you, there`s no love there.
PINSKY: But you were the one that tried to have this relationship with just sex --
ELIZABETH: Tried. I did do it with just the sex, and then I fell in love with the guy. And, of course, once he found out how I felt, he wasn`t very happy about that. He didn`t want that. And then I was --
CAROLLA: What`s his name? Let`s call him a douche bag.
ELIZABETH: He is. And unfortunately for me, because I like sex, here I am, I still do it. I just don`t even look at them in the eye. And --
PINSKY: That seems very sad to me, because you`re saying --
CAROLLA: What position are you in, because sometimes it`s physically impossible or at least it appear upside down. The point is, listen -- all the women with this, like, all men want, there`s no good men out there. Just because your dad was an ass doesn`t mean all guys are. Look, you got Dr. Drew over there, happily, at least he`s tolerated his marriage for almost 30 years.
PINSKY: No, I`m happily married.
CAROLLA: I`ve been there. I understand. Point is this, here`s a good guy --
ELIZABETH: And that`s attractive of a man that can be in a monogamous relationship. That`s more attractive than the guy that are not.
PINSKY: The point is, as males were --you`re right, there`s a different priority in the male brain than the female brain. We`ll be kind of talking about that tonight. And the priority in the female brain, because there`s a biological investment through human history in having sex, which was, listen, back when we were, before civilization, if you got a urinary tract infection, you died. If you got an STD, you died. If you got pregnant, you could well die. And if you made it through the pregnancy, you had an 18 year biological commitment on your hand which is this, from other being, that the guy may or may not stick around for.
So naturally we evolved in a way where sex meant something more to women. The question is, though --
CAROLLA: It was a good time for guys who like receiving oral sex. You know what I mean? Because you could make the urinary tract infection argument, you can make the pregnant -- hey, baby, I`d love to have sex with you, but I don`t want to kill you. But perhaps we found a nice compromise here in terms of my lap. You know what I mean? That would be my rap if I was a caveman.
Madonna, I had the boy toy Madonna poster over my bed when I discovered myself. So on the first like one of these women that grew up with Madonna that I`m a man, I`m out there, I have my career, I wanted it all. And so I just need to learn how to take my emotions out a little more. I`m still vulnerable.
CAROLLA: The Bay City Rollers poster over his bed, growing up, by the way, if you want to know how he turned out because of that.
ELIZABETH: Things turned out great for you.
PINSKY: Adam, too, is crazy enough.
PINSKY: Things turned out great for you.
Hey, can I just float this idea that I had earlier today?
PINSKY: Talking about men and how bad men are in this country. Name me a country that is more -- I don`t know, I`ll abbreviate it, p-whipped than the United States of America. Seriously.
The crew loved this, the crew`s going nuts.
CAROLLA: They laughing in Mexico or the Middle East, because they`re laughing their ass off. Now, dig this -- where`s my camera for a second? Most P-whipped nation in the world, in the military that could crush anybody. That`s a lot of range as a nation. As a group. You know what I`m saying?
CAROLLA: So I`m saying if you can`t find it here, sweetie, you ain`t going to find it anywhere in the world.
PINSKY: I got to go out. But let me just say that it makes me sad the women have to suppress feelings that are naturally in them. And by the way, when you`re younger, it`s more difficult, isn`t it?
PINSKY: Because biologically you`re different when you`re younger. And we`re going to talk about what happens as you get older. But when you`re younger, when your biology is all about reproducing, that`s when the stickiness and the closeness of the relationship becomes more powerful.
Casual sex is one thing.
Thank you, guys, for joining me on this panel. I really appreciate you guys being open and honest here.
But what about a committed relationship? A huge obstacle these days, especially as the population is getting older, is loss of libido. That`s ahead.
When your sex drive hits neutral, your marriage can really stall out. We have a solution.
But first, we`re answering your questions about sex. Everything is on the table. Too much, not enough? Sexless relationships? Sex only in relationships? Sex as a cure? Unhealthy sex? We`re going to talk about everything coming up.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CAROLLA: One of my favorite guys to talk to, one of my favorite guys to hang out with and still to this day, just like old times. Like two guys who played in a band for far too long, having a nice jam session.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY: And that is what I hope we`re having here today. A nice jam session together.
CAROLLA: This is beautiful. Like two guys who can`t play an instrument. Just hanging out. Stone cold sober.
PINSKY: You know what just occurred to me. I was thinking about something that I`ve been complaining about here in this. You notice anything about these cups?
CAROLLA: Let`s see. They`re black. They should say Adam Carolla.
PINSKY: Let me pick it up for you when I`m going to drink some coffee.
CAROLLA: Yes. Wait a minute. You`re righty. It`s a left handed cup.
PINSKY: Why couldn`t they have put it on both sides?
CAROLLA: It`s a lefty-mug. I got to take this home because I`m left handed.
PINSKY: See? I was thinking of you. There somebody was. I`ve been complaining about it.
All right. Well, you have all reacted and contacted us and wanted to talk about sex and, listen, we`re bringing the old team back together. I`ve had lots of people ask that we do so. So let`s get right to it.
I`ve got Mark in Texas. He has a question for us.
Mark, what`s going on?
MARK: Question is, how come many relationships nowadays start off with sex instead of getting to know their partner?
PINSKY: How come they start off that way?
CAROLLA: Because we can. I mean --
PINSKY: I think that`s right. I think if people allow that to happen, the difference, we were talking earlier about the priorities between men and women. Men will allow that to happen if women don`t sort of step in front of that a little bit.
And it`s actually healthier for men to wait and build a relationship. I tell this to my sons, which is date, cultivate that, spend time with people.
CAROLLA: Yes, not interested in what prude grandpa has to say.
CAROLLA: Well, look, it`s like saying, how come all the big screen TVs are walking out of the Costco? Well, if you get rid of the guard and the security cameras, guess -- pretty easy answer to that question, right?
PINSKY: They`re on their way.
CAROLLA: You need someone to guard the vagina. And that person is taking a vacation these days. You know, here`s the way it works. I don`t want to get too graphic, but the brain of the female needs to protect her friend, the vagina. And she`s taking a smoke break.
PINSKY: She`s busy trying to live up to some standard that is not instinctive. It`s more of a 17-year-old male standard.
CAROLLA: The brain has been polluted by too much Lady Gaga and has been distracted, and it`s not guarding the henhouse.
PINSKY: Maybe, maybe.
CAROLLA: Or the chicken coop.
PINSKY: Let`s go to the call. Laura in New York.
Laura, what`s up there?
LAURA: I`m wondering if that`s possible for a man to engage in gay sex and still consider himself not gay. In other words, are you either gay, straight or lying?
PINSKY: So can a man experiment -- women do experiment.
CAROLLA: I don`t think a guy can.
PINSKY: Guys can be confused, though.
CAROLLA: I mean, unless he`s a really good artist, I guess he can. Guys can be -- here`s what guys can be. I think we`ve learned. Guys can be scrambled at a young age by a priest or somebody who works at the Y. And then act out in a weird way later on. But just a guy with a straight upbringing who just wants to dabble a little in your loins, I`m not buying that.
PINSKY: All right. We got to take another break. And so by popular demand, Adam and I will continue answering your questions about sex and relationships.
CAROLLA: Like I said, the band`s back together. It`s the old team again. Perfect topic for it. So stick around.
PINSKY: We have a ton more ground to cover. We`ll be talking about sexless relationships, what causes them, especially when love isn`t the problem, but us living so long may be. Now, I usually kind of take this opportunity, at this point, in the show to give a little commentary on what`s going on in the news and how it relates to what we`re doing tonight, but since I have the king of outrage next to me, Adam Carolla, who, by the way, has a great pod cast, you can listen to it at adamcarolla.com.
I certainly have visited your pod cast several times. Prior to tonight, that`s how we reunited the team up to this point, but I like to turn it over to you tonight to see what you might have to say about the topic.
ADAM CAROLLA, HOST, "THE ADAM COROLLA SHOW": Well, we`re talking about genders and roles and sexuality, and I wrote a little book called "In 50 Years We`ll all be Chicks," and people say, what inspired this book? And I say, Dr. Drew. And they say, how so? And I said, he was late to do "Love Line" when I was doing it on the radio when he -- and I said, why were you late? And he said, I got a flat tire and had to wait for AAA.
And I said, oh, where did you break down? And he said, at home. And I said, at home? And he said, yes. And I said, you called AAA to come to your house? And by the way, when I told this to Jimmy Kimmel, he said triple gay, by the way. He renamed it for you when it comes to your house. And I said, I can`t believe you called a guy to come to your house to change a flat tire when you have a spare and you`re in a heated garage.
And you said, I don`t know how to do it. And every guy I told the story to said, I`d do the exact same thing. And I realized that`s when the genders had flipped. The women had become sexuality charged predators, and guys were shaving their chests and not changing their flat tires anymore.
PINSKY: And so, I sort of -- I`m leading the crest of the wave to becoming a chick?
CAROLLA: Yes. You`re at the vanguard. You`re the tip of the pink spear.
PINSKY: All right then. Let`s get back to your question --
CAROLLA: My nickname in high school.
PINSKY: Pink spear? Back when you were playing high school football?
CAROLLA: That`s right.
PINSKY: Yes. Let`s go back to your questions. I`ve got a Facebook question to start out with. This is kind of interesting. As soon as I say it`s kind of interesting, Adam, immediately translates in his head it`s kind of boring to him.
CAROLLA: Well, when you have to preface things with this is really good or this is really interesting, they don`t say that about truly interesting things. They`re just interesting.
PINSKY: All right. Well, here`s her question. "Does birth control affect your sex drive?" That is her question. And the fact is -- have you had experience with this? Not with you personally, but I mean, with women in your life?
CAROLLA: I had someone using a C-sponge one time, and that did effect being intimate.
PINSKY: A C-sponge.
CAROLLA: Yes, instead of just, you know, -- but no, I`ve never experienced it.
PINSKY: Well, in fact, because we`re using lots of highly progestational agents -- the birth control pills have an estrogen or progesterone on it and the progesterone --
CAROLLA: Prefaces with how fascinating this is. Riveting. People are clicking their TVs off left and right.
PINSKY: The progesterone causes in many women to decrease in sex drive, dryness in the --
CAROLLA: This is riveting.
PINSKY: Dryness and decrease in sex drive. So, yes, it certainly can. You want talk to your doctor about finding a pill that doesn`t do that because there are so many out there. Usually, you can. We have a call.
CAROLLA: Usually, those pills I see in the commercials where the chick`s out kick boxing and riding a mountain bike, not going to let her birth control needs slow her down.
PINSKY: I think that`s a herpes medication.
CAROLLA: Oh, yes. You know, I was feel sorry for those herpes commercials. First, I feel sorry for the chick actress who doesn`t really have herpes, but this is how she`s going to make her money, and then, I feel sorry for the sap who`s standing next to her because there`s that guy who`s standing there in the flannel shirt trying not to look judgmental, you know?
CAROLLA: And he didn`t give her the herpes. She came in. She brought the herpes in. Herpes were grandfathered into the relationship. And this guy just standing there, I`m not judging. I know she had sex with a lot of guys before me and didn`t use protection, but I`m all ears today.
PINSKY: She takes that Valtrex (INAUDIBLE) I`m going to be good.
CAROLLA: Worst gig in showbiz is the dude standing next to the chick on the herpes commercial.
PINSKY: All right. We have a call from grace. Grace, what is your question?
GRACE IN TEXAS: Hi, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Hi, Grace.
GRACE: My question is, why is there beginning of a trend of many young teens calling themselves bisexual?
CAROLLA: You have to fit in these days.
PINSKY: Well, I think it`s -- I don`t know if we can answer that, really.
CAROLLA: You know, I`ll tell you why. "A," when you`re a teen, you want to sort of go against the system and shock your oppressive parents and schoolteachers and counselors. And then, there`s also this thing where you`re not progressive and you`re not hip.
PINSKY: If you`re not willing to accept all sorts of orientations.
CAROLLA: I was thinking about this. My son`s 5. He`s going to go to some lily white school in Pasadena.
PINSKY: He`s already declared himself bisexual?
CAROLLA: I`m just saying, by the time he gets to high school, if they find out he`s not gay, they`re going to be like, let`s get them, boys. And he`s going to have to be making excuses like no, no, I`m gay, I`m tired, you know, I`m just taking a break. Sure, I`m into dudes. Don`t beat me up.
PINSKY: All right. We have one more call. This is Diana from California. Diana, what`s going on there?
DIANA, CALIFORNIA: Hey, Dr. Drew. Can an orgasm cure a migraine headache?
PINSKY: Um --
CAROLLA: Wow. Oh. Wow. I just -- I had a visual there -- your orgasm.
CAROLLA: Oh, OK. Wow. Wow.
CAROLLA: Wow, that was weird because I was -- yes --
PINSKY: I know where you`re going.
CAROLLA: Yes, OK, forget it. Let him handle this one.
PINSKY: There`s something called a post-coidal headache where you get headaches from orgasm and from sexual activity, and that`s the more common situation, and you really --
CAROLLA: You know what the answer to that is, by the way, when you`re done having sex and then you announce you have a headache, who cares. I`ll be watching "Sports Center," sweetie.
PINSKY: The guys have them and can be shattering headaches.
PINSKY: Yes, sorry. Here`s a question from Kathy who writes, "Is there such a thing as too much sex?" And let me just quickly say, of course, sexual addiction can be a real problem, and when you really see that problem, it`s obvious what the deal is. Obviously, if you`re hurting yourself physically, if you`re having consequences from it like any other addictive process, if it is out of control, and you would like to -- it`s something that should be bringing joy and pleasure and is bringing misery and consequences, yes, that`s too much.
Chris, another Facebook question, asks, "Do some people use sex to feel wanted?" I think we sort of heard that in the friends with benefit conversation, didn`t we?
CAROLLA: Yes. Wanted by the lover. Not by like the federal government or anything like that.
PINSKY: No. Not dead or alive.
CAROLLA: Or being too sexy. Yes. Not like a Bon Jovi song. It`s an intimacy thing. Most women do that, wouldn`t you say?
PINSKY: Yes. And you know, we`ve not had a chance to talk much about this tonight, but the male and female brain are different, right?
CAROLLA: Yes, ours are bigger.
PINSKY: No --
CAROLLA: And more powerful.
PINSKY: Theirs are actually bigger, and they use more of it actually. Yes.
CAROLLA: What`s your excuses, sweetie? Why don`t you build a bridge every once in a while, then?
PINSKY: Because they`re hooking up to the right side of the brain which all the emotion --
CAROLLA: There`s nothing over there. I see. They`re just funneling all that into some empty warehouse that will never see the light of day.
PINSKY: The point being is that women, estrogen causes a bonding reaction to a hormone that`s released from intimacy, physical intimacy, called oxytocin. And when you have that feeling, it`s hard to get away from it. Testosterone suppresses the effects of oxytocin. I got a question from Christine --
CAROLLA: Their brains are bigger than ours.
PINSKY: Well, and they got a bigger corpus callosum. They communicate with both sides better. That`s why the right brain, emotional thing is more involved with their life.
CAROLLA: What part of Texas are you talking about?
PINSKY: I`m talking to Florida
CAROLLA: I went there during spring break. The corpus callosum this year, did some wakeboarding. It was awesome. I got toasted.
PINSKY: Christine, what`s up?
CHRISTINE IN FLORIDA: Yes. Hi, Dr. Drew. I like both men and women, and I`m very confused by my wishy-washy identity (ph) which is a bit frustrating.
PINSKY: How old are you?
PINSKY: You`re in your 40s?
PINSKY: Wow. You`re in your 40s.
CAROLLA: Got really unsexy really fast. It was hot about two seconds ago. Listen, she sounds depressed and angry.
PINSKY: Sounds very depressed and very angry. I would suspect -- I don`t have time to get into this. We only got a few seconds. It`s Christine, right?
PINSKY: But it`s that trauma can really make sexual orientation very difficult to sort through, even at your age. Please get some treatment. Therapy, trauma therapies can be very effective in clarifying these things and getting you into and able to tolerate a close relationship is really what you long for.
CAROLLA: That was a lot of depression right there. I heard it.
When we come back, you love your significant other, but you don`t want to have sex with them. A lot of women are saying -- a whole "New York Times" article on this recently, women not wanting to have sex with their husband. We`re going to cure that after this. We are.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY (voice-over): They were married just last month, but she`s lost interest in sex. Husband and wife agree their relationship is on the brink of collapse. It`s a nightmare that many couples face. Loss of libido later in life.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY: Welcome back to our special hour. Adam Carolla stays with me to weigh in. Forty-eight-year-old Sylvia and her 45-year-old husband, Greg Caldwell, have been married for just one month. They used to be very sexually active, but that all changed just a few months ago when Sylvia suddenly began to lose interest, and it`s, of course, starting to take a toll on their relationship.
Here with advice to help me out is Dr. Jennifer Park. She`s an OB-GYN at Fair Oaks Women`s Health in Pasadena, California. All right. Now, you guys having sex very infrequently, right?
SYLVIA CALDWELL, NEWLYWED, LOST SEX DRIVE: Very.
GREG CALDWELL, NEWLYWED, WIFE HAS LOST SEX DRIVE: Very.
PINSKY: You managed to do so recently. I guess, this trip out here did something good for you, guys.
GREG CALDWELL: Yes, it did.
SYLVIA CALDWELL: Yes, a few nights before.
PINSKY: Does it feel like a biological problem?
SYLVIA CALDWELL: I don`t think it`s biological. I`m not really sure what it is. I`m really not sure what it is.
CAROLLA: Hold on a second. How can you tell in sex drive the difference between a biological problem and a psychological problem if it just feels like you don`t want to have sex?
PINSKY: Dr. Park, it`s a great question.
DR. JENNIFER PARK, OB/GYN, FAIR OAKS WOMEN`S HEALTH: Yes, you`re exactly right. There`s two parts. There is that biological hormonal drive that`s within us, and then, the second part is kind of what we call motivation, like, the willingness to engage in it, even if the desire --
PINSKY: The receptivity.
PARK: Yes. Yes. So, it -- both are factors. Certainly, if the desire is high, the motivation just comes right away, but if the desire is low, you have to have more motivation to do it.
PINSKY: And this is what I`m seeing more and more is, you know, as a population ages, people are in their 40s and 50s, have been married for 10, 20, 30 years, and women are not so interested in sex.
PARK: There`s an age-related decline in testosterone. So, as we approach menopause, again, it`s a protective mechanism just to protect us. We don`t want to get pregnant late in life. I mean, we may not live long enough to take care of the children if we bear children late in life. So, our bodies are just trying to tell us not to get pregnant, not to have sex, not to get pregnant at this point in your life.
PINSKY: Greg, you want to have sex?
GREG CALDWELL: All the time.
PINSKY: All the time.
PINSKY: Is this sort of frustrating and painful?
GREG CALDWELL: It`s very, very, very frustrating, you know? I love her to death. We just recently got married, and before it was all the time, you know, thinking about her at work, can`t wait to get home. And, all of a sudden, it just started to --
PINSKY: Was there something in the wedding cake? Did somebody --
SYLVIA CALDWELL: No, I thought it was related to, you know, with the wedding and everything I had to do. I was thinking that was it, but the wedding is over. Everything`s done, and it hasn`t changed.
PINSKY: Have you had this problem in the past where you would lose --
SYLVIA CALDWELL: No, we hadn`t. It was great. It was great.
GREG CALDWELL: All the time.
PINSKY: Are you taking any medication?
SYLVIA CALDWELL: I am not. My doctor suggested, you know, maybe putting me on a low dose of something, but I haven`t started.
PINSKY: Are you, may I ask, are you post-menopausal?
SYLVIA CALDWELL: I don`t -- no, I`m not, because he did the blood work, and I`m not. So --
PINSKY: Dr. Park, let`s talk about the blood work. What people, should they be getting tested for? Because when people ask for blood work for menopause, our parameters for assessing that are not very accurate, really.
PARK: Right. Absolutely. I mean, it varies across the board as far as what a doctor will check. Usually, we`ll check in that age which is --
PINSKY: The pituitary response to the ovary shutting down.
PARK: Right. Absolutely. And then, maybe an estrogenical, but rarely will they check a testosterone level in a woman. And clinically, and you`re definitely symptomatic. So, that`s what I would check in you.
PINSKY: Now, Jennifer, you advocate the use of these bioidenticals. I want to -- for people at home that are hearing this, I want to make this very, very clear because I -- there was just a "New York Times" article about this about how women are sort of starting to share amongst themselves that they really aren`t interested in sex with their husbands anymore and having had patients and friends and family members go through getting on testosterone, what you find is not only do women become receptive again and want to be closer to their husbands.
And by the way, relationships that are more sexually active tend to be more happy all the way across the life span, but, women also feel like they`ve captured a part of themselves they had lost, and they feel angry that no one had done anything about this before. But, people have read all about the women`s health initiative and how hormone replacement might be dangerous. How is what you`re doing different than that?
PARK: It`s given in a different method altogether. So, it`s not an oral form, and it`s bioidentical to what your body used to produce as opposed to something that is synthetic and not.
PINSKY: And these are pellets that you implant?
PARK: I do. I do subcutaneous implantation of hormone pellets.
PINSKY: Adam, sound interesting?
CAROLLA: I`m just picturing somebody walking down the street and going, ah, what the -- man, am I horny?
CAROLLA: Doc`s up on the roof with their hat backwards, high fives her partner. Another job well done. Yes. Charge up that pellet gun, and let`s do it.
PINSKY: Dr. Park, before you evaluated, say, somebody like this couple for pellets, would you have them sit down with a couple`s counselor to make sure there`s not an emotional issue or would you do both simultaneously?
PARK: I will do both simultaneously. Certainly, I know, there`s probably an age-related decline in her. She`s probably low.
PINSKY: Do African-Americans have any special hormonal issues?
PARK: Not that I`ve known.
PINSKY: Relative to Asian or Caucasian, is there anything any difference in most of these different populations?
PARK: Not that I`ve noticed. Not that I`ve noticed.
CAROLLA: I got a question.
CAROLLA: Because we used to talk about this all the time. We`re at a certain point it`s like, it`s like exercise. You take a few weeks off or you mess your ankle up, you roll your ankle, you take a few months off. It`s really hard to just get back into it just because you haven`t been doing it. Some things you stop and you don`t start again because you`ve stopped in a weird way.
And the longer you`ve stopped, the harder it is to get back into it. And there`s a part of me that just wants to say, just do it. Just hold still and do it. You know what I mean? You don`t have to enjoy it. Just to shake the cobwebs off. Reset those bones.
PINSKY: Well, but they did. They recently have been sexually active. And did that reset things? No?
SYLVIA CALDWELL: No. It was boring. We were --
CAROLLA: Oh, brutal.
SYLVIA CALDWELL: To go to sleep. I mean, you know, to just into it.
CAROLLA: Want to say hi to the guys at work, by the way? Camera two, Camera three.
GREG CALDWELL: Yes, it was kind of bad.
CAROLLA: Oh, I`m sorry.
PINSKY: But Sylvia, is there anger, is there resentment? Or are you feeling uncomfortable being close to Greg? Is there something?
SYLVIA CALDWELL: Not so much being comfortable. I hate it for him because I know how frustrated he --
GREG CALDWELL: I thought it was me to tell you the truth.
PINSKY: Thought she wasn`t attracted to you?
GREG CALDWELL: Yes.
PINSKY: Well, this is important we`re making. I mean, Sylvia needs to recognize this. When the partner you`ve chosen as a male rejects you, it`s deeply wounding. You feel like -- this is an important part of who I am. I want to feel attracted to you. And when you kind of get rejected, it hurts, it cuts deep.
GREG CALDWELL: Yes, very, very deep.
CAROLLA: I must say the internet`s taken some of the pressure off in that compartment.
CAROLLA: Found myself -- found solace in the Macintosh, Dr. Drew. Not doing it tonight, huh? All righty. Plan "B." Yes. I suggest -- we`ll talk after the show. Give you a couple of websites. Take some of the sting off the no intimacy in the relationship, but doc, you got to hit her with the pellet gun.
PINSKY: So, do you have any other emotional issues or problems in relationships?
SYLVIA CALDWELL: No, it`s been good in the past. I mean, it`s been really, really good.
PINSKY: Do you have any sense of why the shutdown?
SYLVIA CALDWELL: No. And it`s -- I want it, but it`s just the follow through sometimes. I guess, not the motivation to follow through.
PINSKY: Dr. Park, is there anything people can do, let`s say, at home who are trying to evaluate why I don`t want to have sex with my husband, women, that they can sort of a simple checklist they can go through and decide whether or not it is something biological versus something psychological?
PARK: Yes. And certainly, you can ask yourself questions, do you ever think about sex, not just, I mean, do you have fantasies? Do you ever look at men and think that men are attractive?
CAROLLA: What about the old spice guy?
CAROLLA: I`m a dude and I`m into that dude. So, don`t tell me you`re not thinking about him. Oh, by the way, if you do the checklist, don`t leave it on the fridge. They freak the kids out. I saw my mom`s checklist when I was 13 and I --
PINSKY: Never been the same.
PINSKY: Now that we derailed this conversation, I`m going to take a little break here. We`re going to hear more of what Dr. Park has to say about what you can do to think about whether or not this is something you need to pursue, an evaluation on the hormones with your doctor and more about what you can do about it when we get back.
PINSKY: All right. Now, Adam Carolla and I are back with our guests. We`ve been talking about loss of libido. It`s just like old times. Adam and I back together again. Like, the old band is back. Oh, there we are. Look at this.
PINSKY: Like we haven`t aged a second.
CAROLLA: So spry and young.
PINSKY: That`s when I would laugh at stuff you said.
CAROLLA: Yes. I remember that fake laugh. I can still hear it today.
PINSKY: Thank you. All right. We`ve been talking about relationships that are affected by the loss of libido. The Caldwells are newlyweds, but they`ve been having trouble in the bedroom. Dr. Jennifer Park is an OB-GYN at Fair Oaks Women`s Health in Pasadena, California. And Dr. Park, you were going through for some of the things people can look for to determine whether or not there`s a biological problem in a woman with a loss of sex drive.
PARK: Right. They may have other symptoms. Their periods may start to become irregular. They may have fatigue, weight gain, worsening PMS is often a sign. Sometimes, a new onset of migraine headaches can be a sign of testosterone deficiency.
PINSKY: Vaginal dryness.
PARK: Vaginal dryness, hot flashes.
PINSKY: Sleep disturbances.
PARK: Sleep disturbances, yes.
PINSKY: Mood disturbances.
PINSKY: And then, if they have any of this --
CAROLLA: Hold on. Let me explain the sleep disturbance. Get the hell off me.
CAROLLA: That`s how that works.
PINSKY: That`s how that works.
CAROLLA: I know this guy.
CAROLLA: That`s a sleep disturbance. That doesn`t count. You got to wake up on your own.
PINSKY: You`re right.
CAROLLA: OK. Thank you.
PINSKY: And then, if they have any of this, the point being is they shouldn`t just ignore it. They should be expecting to have relief.
PINSKY: And if your doctor doesn`t sort of satisfy that or give you what you need, keep looking around for someone that does, right?
PARK: Right. Absolutely.
CAROLLA: Should we go to a new doctor if you`re going to get into this sort of stuff? You know what I mean? Who wants all the judgment and all that stuff from the old family doctor, you know?
PINSKY: Well, let`s ask this. Would most OB-GYNs be equipped to handle this?
PARK: Some are, some aren`t, I`ll say.
PINSKY: OK. So, you should be able to find someone if you really want a solution.
PARK: Yes, you should be able to find someone,
PINSKY: Are there risks to doing the bioidentical replacements? Are people putting themselves in harms way or is there enough data in to really say it`s safe?
PARK: There is a lot of data out there. You just have to look for it and find it.
PINSKY: Do you think this is something that`s just going to catch on very, very widely soon?
PARK: I do. I do.
PARK: Because there`s not going to be an alternative, and we can`t say, don`t do anything.
CAROLLA: Oh, wait a minute. As a historian and someone who likes studying society, so what happens? You pump them full of this testosterone pellets, all of a sudden, every 45-year-old woman in America is horny, and now, we got a bunch of 80-year-old parents like Tony Randall?
PINSKY: They won`t reproduce.
CAROLLA: Why not?
PINSKY: Because their ovaries have shut down.
PARK: You`re menopausal.
PINSKY: That`s the whole point.
CAROLLA: I bet I could get one more --
PINSKY: All right. Hold on. Speaking of that --
CAROLLA: During the break. Let me try.
PINSKY: Well, that`s up to Greg. Greg and Sylvia --
CAROLLA: No disrespect.
PINSKY: Greg and Sylvia, here`s the deal. You should sit down with a couples counselor, it seems to me, and really have this carefully evaluated and with a properly trained gynecologist to really -- because you should expect to have a healthy sex life, because the fact is one piece of data that comes up over and over again is that relationship that still is sexually active is far more likely to be happy. And you, guys, seem like a happy couple and you want to live married for a long time together. There`s a lot of time ahead yet. Let`s try to restore this and really work towards it, OK?
GREG CALDWELL: That`s why we`re here.
PINSKY: OK. Thank you for joining us. We`ll get you some referrals. Dr. Park, hope to have you back some day soon to talk more about this topic. It`s very, very important. And Adam.
PINSKY: Dude, what are we going to do here?
PINSKY: It`s getting kind of wistful and sad. I mean, just like old times.
CAROLLA: I feel good doing a non-boring version of the show for a change. That had to be awesome, right?
PINSKY: Entertaining as you`d say. Thank you, Adam.
PINSKY: I want to thank all my guests. I want to thank --
CAROLLA: Wait a minute. Old times I used to get paid exactly the same as you got paid.
PINSKY: Tonight`s different.
CAROLLA: I don`t like this new regime.
PINSKY: I got to go. Thanks for watching. We`ll see you next time.