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PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT

Wall Street's Worst Day?; Interview with Kathy Griffin

Aired August 4, 2011 - 21:00   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


PIERS MORGAN, HOST: Tonight, freefall. The worst stock market selloff since the crisis of 2008. What's scaring Wall Street. What does it mean for your money and where will it all end.

Tonight, I'll CNN's Ali Velshi what's really going on, Erin Burnett on what to expect next, and "Marketplace's" Kai Ryssdal on what you should do. Then the most outspoken woman in the country is here tonight live and unleashed. It's Kathy Griffin.

KATHY GRIFFIN, COMEDIAN: My goal is to get Anderson Cooper fired. And now that he's doing the talk show, what does he care, frankly? Also I'm actually going to be on Piers Morgan Thursday.

MORGAN: Yes, indeed you are, Kathy. And I've got the seven- second delay ready to go so tell us what you really think.

GRIFFIN: CNN, I like you, but you're no Nancy Grace.

MORGAN: I see. Kathy Griffin on success.

GRIFFIN: Awards are more important than people or family.

MORGAN: Her thoughts on Casey Anthony.

GRIFFIN: The Casey Anthony watch, you know, with the mask and is she going to get plastic surgery? Which I can give her a couple of phone numbers, frankly.

MORGAN: And her depressing life on the D-list. That's Kathy Griffin.

This is "PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT."

Good evening. We'll get to a live interview with the explosive Kathy Griffin in a moment but first, breaking news tonight on the economy. It's not good.

The Dow plunging 512 points to the worst single day since the financial crises in 2008. The Dow, the Nasdaq and S&P 500 have all fallen 10 percent in the last 10 days. Fear is gripping the matter. Is this the bottom? Will things get worse? And what you should do with your money?

These are big questions for CNN's Erin Burnett and Ali Velshi, and Kai Ryssdal, host of American Public Media's "Marketplace." Ali Velshi, let me start with you. What the hell is going on?

ALI VELSHI, ANCHOR, CNN'S AMERICAN MORNING: Piers, we all have to take our turns in causing global meltdowns in this small, small world. And today was Europe's turn.

Basically the European Central Bank attempted to go in, reassure investors by shoring up the euro and buying bonds in euros, putting money into the system. It had the opposite effect. It caused investors to run for the hills. But, you know, they couldn't get enough out while European markets were open.

So it moved into U.S. markets. It was basically the sense that we are so uncertain about where the global economy is going, and we've got this back and forth between the world's two biggest economies, the European's and the American's, that people just decided to take their money out and basically do the equivalent, the global equivalent of taking your money and stuffing it in a mattress.

Everybody just wanted to pull out and say, I don't want to go into tomorrow where this unemployment number is coming out in the morning, not knowing what's happening, not able to get out of my positions. They did it ahead of time. It just compounded on itself, fears took over. And people started selling their stocks in this mass momentum move.

MORGAN: Erin, I mean, this is really globalization in terms of the economy at its most raw, because what you're seeing, it seems to me, the kind of a multilayered rippling down of the economy around the world. You've got Europe self-imploding, you've got the Chinese economy slowing. They've downgraded the American economy in their eyes. You've got Japan suffering after the earthquake, you've got America tanking as well.

When you put all these things together, you have one unholy mess, don't you?

ERIN BURNETT, CNN ANCHOR: Yes, you sure do. You sure do, Piers.

And with all this distraction with the debt ceiling conversation, I mean it's as if the world's economy, which is the American economy, was walking around with a broken leg and two broken arms, and then someone came along and punched it in the nose.

I mean that's how really unneeded this whole debt ceiling debacle really was, in my view. But yes, it is -- it is interrelated and it all goes to show you, Piers, how much the world needs the American economy to stay strong.

As Ali is pointing out, in aggregate, obviously, the European economy is the second biggest. As a single economy, China is the second biggest, and we're still three times bigger than China despite its rise. So the world needs America to get better and the economic data has just been pretty darn weak.

MORGAN: But, I mean, Ali, just to come back on that point, I mean it seemed to me the procrastination going on in Washington the last three weeks have been deeply unhelpful because what it did at a really vulnerable time at a global economy was create more and more uncertainty.

VELSHI: Yes.

MORGAN: And you seem to have this real disconnect now between the politicians, particularly here in America and what is really going on with the global economy.

VELSHI: Yes. I think it's fair to say at this point, it was ridiculous. This was synthetic crisis, the debt of the United States and any other country is a serious, serious matter. But we created this issue where the U.S. could have potentially defaulted on its debt.

There are places like Italy where a default is actually a possibility. Places like Greece where default was actually a possibility. What this has done is it's caused investors to say where is my money safe? It's not safe in places where there really is the possibility of a default. And it's not as safe in America where they were ready to default.

So you're absolutely right. This contributed to the crisis.

Remember, Piers, we had the Greece situation where we had rioting in the streets. We sort of saw a solution to that. We went right into the U.S. debt situation, and before that was resolved, we got low GDP numbers in the United States, we got low manufacturing numbers, low consumer spending numbers.

There hasn't been a break anywhere to see a little sunshine through the clouds. And what you saw is the cumulative effect of that weighing on world markets today.

MORGAN: And Erin, we're expecting pretty grim job figures tomorrow. That's one of the reasons people believe that the markets here tanked so quickly and so badly. What are you hearing about that?

BURNETT: Yes, look, the job situation, as we all know, Piers, is bad and of course the big problem is nobody knows how to create jobs. And that there is no magic bullet. And we all know that. So yes, they're probably going to be weak.

If you get a little bit better than expected number, you might get a little bit of respite in the markets, but you're not going to get a great number that symbolizes job growth. And I think that's a big problem that you're continuing to see across the board.

So it's weak out there, Piers. And it's going to take a long time for things to get better. Investors, one thing I heard interesting today, Piers, is a lot of them were going ahead and buying U.S. debt and they were doing that thinking that the Fed is going to have to step in and do extraordinary measures yet again to try to, quote-unquote, "fix the problem" of a market that's falling and an economy that could be falling back into a double dip. MORGAN: And Kai Ryssdal, you're nodding there saying it's right. What is your take on this? How bad is it? Is it as bad as 2008 and what do we do about this?

KAI RYSSDAL, AMERICAN PUBLIC MEDIA'S "MARKETPLACE": See, it's really tricky to mention those words, 2008. But that gets people really, really afraid.

Make no doubt, there's bad news in the markets today. But I think if you -- if you pick up on what Erin was just saying about people, investors buying American debt, that is the bright spot. Right?

We still look better than everybody else out there. I mean the yield on the 10-year is now below 2.5 percent which is extraordinarily low. And as long as that keeps going on, I think that's a positive sign for the American economy.

MORGAN: But it's very hard, isn't it?

RYSSDAL: Absolutely.

MORGAN: To accentuate the positives on a day like this. You've seen the Dow crashing every day now for nine, 10 days. A record run. There's no good news out there. There's nothing, as Erin is saying, for people to get their teeth into, and say, OK, there's a bit of recovery.

RYSSDAL: Right. No, let's not oversell that. There is no good news out there. But what I think there is, is a sense of us being less bad off than everybody else. I mean let's look at American companies. They're making money. American consumers are not spending, that's a bad thing. But I think if you look at it in the aggregate, we're better than everybody else, which in a horrible environment, has to be accounting for something.

MORGAN: Erin, I mean, this is bad news for President Obama whichever way you look at it, because clearly as we get nearer to election year, the economy is going to be the standout issue.

What does he do about the situation? Can he do anything? I mean it seems ironic to me that all the politicians disappear off to their summer holidays just at the precise moment the real debt crisis takes over.

BURNETT: It's been a pretty bad birthday week for him, hasn't it, Piers? I mean really, the one thing and one thing and then the other.

MORGAN: Happy 50th, Mr. President.

(LAUGHTER)

(CROSSTALK)

BURNETT: I think he can go ahead and extend the payroll tax break and give a full payroll tax breaks to employees and give one to employers. So if you hire someone new, you don't have to pay that payroll tax. And they're trying to come up with ways to incentivize companies to hire, because it all comes down to jobs.

And obviously there's things you could simplify the tax code, you could allow them to bring money home from overseas and not have to pay taxes on it. You could do all those things, Piers, but they all require Democrats and Republicans working together.

VELSHI: Yes.

BURNETT: And that, as we have all seen --

VELSHI: Good luck with that.

BURNETT: -- is an embarrassing spectacle. It's not going to happen.

MORGAN: This is the problem, isn't it, Ali? Because people have just watched the politicians behaving so self-servingly and selfish at a time when actually there were much more serious things to worry about than our debt ceiling. You know I think I come back to this disconnect between them and the reality. You know it's hard to see if they keep this mentality up, how they're going to physically deal with the real problem.

VELSHI: Yes, because even if they were more cooperative with each other, Europe doesn't have the same degree of discord between political parties on the issue of debt reduction as we've seen in the United States. Certainly there are people on both sides of it, there are people who think that there should be austerity, and there are people who think there should be further stimulus.

But nobody is as entrenched as the political parties in the United States are. And they can't solve the problem in Europe. So even being closer to a solution, they can't actually exercise the policy decisions that will help the economies. What are we going to do here when we are so entrenched on all of these decisions?

You know as Kai points out, the fact is, U.S. companies are remarkably profitable right now and a lot of the revenues are coming in from selling to countries which are doing very well, including India and China. While it's still slowing it's a remarkably fast growing economy.

We are not in a position to take advantage of this because of policy decisions here in the United States and policy difficulties in Europe. So if you're an investor looking for a great place to invest, it's just hard to find one at the moment.

MORGAN: Well, Kai, let me come to you on that point, because interestingly today oil, gold, silver, copper all down as well. So the traditional havens of safety in this chaotic market all taking a hit as well. Where do people put their money right now?

RYSSDAL: Well, the only thing we're seeing is they're putting them in treasury bills, right? And they're doing, as Ali said, and stuffing it under the mattress. But let me pick up on something else.

MORGAN: And is that a sensible thing to be doing?

RYSSDAL: Right now -- well, the sensible to do right now is do nothing. Right? You don't want to see into a falling market. Right? You want to sit back and see what's going on.

But let me pick up on something else Ali said a moment ago. There's a case to be made, that given the political discord that we have in Congress the economy we have right now is going to be the economy that we have come election day because we're not going to get anything done in the Congress in the next 16, 18 months. And that bodes pretty ill for everybody in power. Not just the president, but the Republican Party in the House and the Democrats in the Senate.

MORGAN: And Erin, I mean, the Federal Reserve are looking and watching, I would imagine, pretty nervously. Should Mr. Bernanke be getting his wallet out here?

BURNETT: Well, this is a pretty tough thing because with all the changes we saw in financial reform, now in order for the Fed to do more extraordinary measures to try to make it easier to borrow and get people to go ahead and invest money in this country, they actually have to have congressional approval.

So you hear all those words QE-3 thrown around, it's unclear as to whether that would really be effective if the Fed could go ahead and throw more money at the economy. But it would have to get approval from Congress to do so which brings us right back to that problem.

So Ben Bernanke is -- it's really going to be a last resort effort for the Fed to try to do more. They do meet next week, by the way, Piers, but interest rates are almost zero so there's not really much they can do in terms of their traditional path. They're going to need Congress.

MORGAN: And Ali, just on the stimulus that President Obama brought in.

VELSHI: Yes.

MORGAN: I mean is it now widely accepted this has failed?

VELSHI: It's widely accepted that it was not nearly as effective as anybody thought it was going to be. Some people call it an outright failure. Some people say that its effectiveness just -- it wasn't exercised with any precision.

Here's the danger, though. Precision works both ways, whether it's stimulus or whether it's cuts. So this deal the super committee at Congress that has to come up with a deal by about Thanksgiving, it has to be authorized at the end of the year, you know, if they don't come up with a deal, there are these across-the-board cuts.

There are many experts who have said this is very, very dangerous because across-the-board cuts are the same as a nonsurgical stimulus. We need surgical approaches to how we fix this economy.

Erin pointed out a few of them. Some policy changes that can help employers to hire people. We need real specific direction, not across-the-board anything, whether it's stimulus or cuts.

MORGAN: Well, given the fact they can't even agree on a debt ceiling debate for three weeks, I have no hope of that.

I want to end by asking you all for a one-word, yes-or-no response to this question. I'll start with you, Kai.

Are we heading into another recession, a double-dip recession?

RYSSDAL: We can't head into another one because we're still in the old recession.

MORGAN: Erin?

BURNETT: I was going to say that. Kai took my words away. So I guess I'll try to be more --

(CROSSTALK)

RYSSDAL: I get to go first.

BURNETT: I guess I'll do it -- no.

MORGAN: Ali, I'm not going to get a yes or no from you?

VELSHI: You're going to get a no from me.

MORGAN: OK. No from Erin. Ali?

VELSHI: No.

MORGAN: OK. So you're still remaining reasonably positive despite one of the most horrendous days that we see in three or four years. I do not --

(CROSSTALK)

BURNETT: We need people like you, Piers, to keep spending money.

RYSSDAL: That's right.

MORGAN: Well, I know that. I just don't share the optimism. I think there are very serious problems here. And I hope the politicians stop squabbling and sort it out.

But thank you all very much.

VELSHI: All right.

MORGAN: And as a footnote of that, we can reveal if you want someone to blame, look no further than the Smurfs who opened the New York Stock Exchange on July 29th and since then we've seen the Dow fall by 1,000 points. So there we are. The three figures to blame are the Smurfs.

Coming up, the most outspoken woman in the country. Well, that's what she says. Here she comes, America. It's Kathy Griffin. God, I'm already terrified. Anything could happen.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: Lap dance? Too soon?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MORGAN: All right, brace yourselves, America, because the seven- second delay was invented for my next guest, Kathy Griffin, who's here live. A woman who will literally say anything.

GRIFFIN: Absolutely. Now is there a delay between the table?

MORGAN: No.

GRIFFIN: Is there a magical seven seconds --

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: Well, clearly not the way you jumped on me before the break.

GRIFFIN: I jumped on you. So what? I thought we would start with a lap dance.

MORGAN: Literally within three seconds of us being together, you were doing a lap dance.

GRIFFIN: I saw you do the same thing with Condoleezza Rice and you did not complain.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: I've watched every episode.

MORGAN: This thing about you being the most outrageous woman in America.

GRIFFIN: Well, you said it. And I just --

MORGAN: But is it true?

GRIFFIN: I said foxiest bikini model but you couldn't put that in the prompter.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: Is it, Piers?

MORGAN: Do you seek outrage?

GRIFFIN: Yes. I do. MORGAN: Why?

GRIFFIN: Because it's fun. It's going to shake people up. I like to see people like that. People that will say anything unfiltered.

MORGAN: Do you have any filter?

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: Any limits?

GRIFFIN: Have you seen one?

MORGAN: It's not obviously identifiable, I have to say.

GRIFFIN: No. I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun.

(LAUGHTER)

MORGAN: Do you care about making enemies? Because some people really do, really do take it badly. Don't they?

GRIFFIN: You mean the Tea Party?

MORGAN: The Tea Party --

GRIFFIN: They don't take it so well.

MORGAN: The ladies of "The View."

GRIFFIN: Yes .

MORGAN: I mean there's people who just want to kill you.

GRIFFIN: That's true.

MORGAN: Sarah Palin would like to kill you.

GRIFFIN: Yes. But you know I actually went to her house in an episode of "My Life on the D-List." Emmy nominated.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: Where's my light?

MORGAN: And cancelled.

GRIFFIN: Anyway -- it's not canceled. I've (INAUDIBLE) doing it on two payments. Sorry, I'm going to take it down. Down. I'm counting backwards from 10. Don't hit the host, kiss him. Kiss him.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: Anyway, in an episode of "My Life on the D-List", I actually went to Wasilla, Alaska, went to Sarah Palin's house, with Levi Johnston, and knocked on her door.

MORGAN: And what happened?

GRIFFIN: How about that? Well, I invited her to a show. In fact I offered her a two-for-one ticket which I rarely do. And she did not come. But she has an open invite to come see me live anytime.

MORGAN: But she really hates you.

GRIFFIN: Yes, I know.

MORGAN: I mean you were pretty vile about her daughter.

GRIFFIN: I -- you know, she says some pretty outrageous things.

MORGAN: Filter?

GRIFFIN: No filter. Not with the Palin.

MORGAN: Daughters?

GRIFFIN: Not with the Bachmanns.

MORGAN: Do you -- I mean do you --

(CROSSTALK)

GRIFFIN: Wait, wait, I'm sorry, excuse me. Are we talking about Bristol who made over $250,000 last year doing speaking engagement about teen abstinence?

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: That writes itself. In light of the market crash today. I don't feel too bad for the Palin's. They'll be OK.

MORGAN: Tell me about the market -- tell me about the market crash. Do you --

GRIFFIN: Who better to ask.

MORGAN: Well, why not?

GRIFFIN: What can I not tell you?

MORGAN: You're an American citizen.

GRIFFIN: Sure.

MORGAN: You spend money. You --

GRIFFIN: Kathy Geithner.

MORGAN: Exactly.

GRIFFIN: When you think money, you think Treasury Secretary Griffin.

MORGAN: You certainly do, Kathy Bernanke with a certain ring to it. What do you think, in all seriousness, about what's happening to your country?

GRIFFIN: Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.

So I'm more conscious of that than ever as are the other performers that I know and you knows. So it's frightening but we're going to get through it.

MORGAN: Do you think -- do you think Washington politicians have any real connect now to the American public?

GRIFFIN: Yes. They're human beings. I mean, this particular bunch is a little frightening to me, but I still support the president, which in Hollywood, by the way, makes you a terrorist. I even liked Jimmy Carter. So whoa, shoot me now, shoot me in my sleep.

But you know I think he's a very bright guy. And also people seem to forget that during the Clinton administration, you know, there was no debt at all. I mean, it was gone. And then during eight years of Bush, I really feel like that's --

MORGAN: The problem --

GRIFFIN: It was almost an untenable situation for the president to --

MORGAN: But the problem for the president is he inherited clearly a massive hospital (ph) task.

GRIFFIN: Yes. But let's not forget that, that he inherited it, by the way.

MORGAN: I'm not forgetting it.

GRIFFIN: OK.

MORGAN: But let's also not forget that the situation has got worse, despite the stimulus package. It was supposed --

GRIFFIN: How do you make a deal with people who don't want to make a deal?

MORGAN: Yes, he brought the stimulus package that clearly hasn't been working. I mean the economy is continuing to tank.

GRIFFIN: Are you accidentally doing your John Boehner interview?

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: Because -- MORGAN: I'm getting your views. You're a smart -- I'll tell you why.

(CROSSTALK)

GRIFFIN: My views about politics?

MORGAN: Yes. Because you're a smart businesswoman apart from --

GRIFFIN: Honey, if I -- well, how good is that?

MORGAN: You are, you're a businesswoman. You're very good.

GRIFFIN: I'm like a straight Suze Orman. I'm like a heterosexual Suze Orman.

MORGAN: I'll take it.

GRIFFIN: OK. You can have it. Easier than you have any idea. Really. You can have it really in like 20 minutes. Let's wrap this up, shall we?

MORGAN: Why are you shy about being serious about the economy?

GRIFFIN: Because I don't think --

MORGAN: Why do you find it so absurd that I would ask you?

GRIFFIN: I actually do a lot of political humor, I do more now probably than I ever have.

MORGAN: Really?

GRIFFIN: Because you know, these politicians, they have quotes, they're the gift that keeps on giving. Sometimes I'll just go up on stage and just read the quotes and then see what material comes to me. And sometimes it's just there on the quote.

MORGAN: Are the Tea Party characters a particular gift?

GRIFFIN: Are you praying the gay away? Because you know what? I'm obsessed with Marcus Bachmann's clinic. You know his reparative therapy clinic where he tries to de-gay people? For me that was called high school. And it doesn't work.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: I tried to get those boys in musical to, you know, put it in my no-no place. Now we're not going to delay that, right? That's harmless.

MORGAN: This is live. Everything is just going straight out.

GRIFFIN: Perfect.

(CROSSTALK) MORGAN: You can say whatever you like.

GRIFFIN: I really like it .

MORGAN: You want to get yourself thrown off television? Keep going.

GRIFFIN: Well, I want to get you thrown off. That's my goal.

MORGAN: Well, you'd probably be very popular if you did that.

GRIFFIN: I'm sure I can somehow put you in a position sexual or otherwise --

MORGAN: I prefer --

GRIFFIN: -- where you get fired tonight.

MORGAN: I'm sure you could.

GRIFFIN: OK.

MORGAN: Would you want to do that?

GRIFFIN: I think it'd be fun, it'd be newsworthy. It'd be all over the blogosphere. And people --

(CROSSTALK)

GRIFFIN: People would follow me on Twitter.

MORGAN: I prefer what you said at the start of the interview where --

(CROSSTALK)

GRIFFIN: Which was?

MORGAN: You want to get Anderson fired. That seems a much more -- aspiration to me.

GRIFFIN: Well, that's every -- it's a great aspiration, and every single January 1st --

MORGAN: You try hard.

GRIFFIN: I'm upset if he still has his job. That's my goal. That January 1st, he's crying in my hotel room for other reasons and also because he got fired.

MORGAN: And it's the most dangerous time of Anderson's life, that New Year's Eve thing you did.

GRIFFIN: I hope so.

MORGAN: You could see the terror in his eyes. GRIFFIN: Good. I'm there to instill it. I take that job way too seriously. I think of all kinds of fun and exciting ways to make him sweat. And I'm very flattered that he says he sweats more with me that night than in any war zone. Because I'm a pretty lady and I want to apologize.

MORGAN: Do you worry about being taken seriously?

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: Are you going to fill in the gap, or am I?

(LAUGHTER)

MORGAN: Sit down.

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: What are you doing?

GRIFFIN: I'm going to climb over the table.

MORGAN: Oh my god. What's going on? Can you -- what are you -- oh my good god. What is happening here?

GRIFFIN: That's called a commercial bumper. You're going to use that all weekend.

MORGAN: Actually it's quite enjoyable.

GRIFFIN: Of course. It's me. Show some respect. I'm a lady, what were you saying?

MORGAN: Where are you taking this? Are we going to be de-robing as the show goes on?

GRIFFIN: I have no issue with that. I mean are you kidding? That's my dream. I saw you showing very foxy bikini shots of myself.

MORGAN: They were very foxy.

GRIFFIN: When I hosted a VH1 special.

MORGAN: If you don't mind me saying, you're a very attractive lady.

GRIFFIN: I don't mind at all. Keep -- let's go on that track. Enough with the economy. Let's talk about how attractive I am. The stock market will be fine. It will rebound.

MORGAN: Do you dream wistfully of being fired in totally (INAUDIBLE) and disgrace one day?

GRIFFIN: Yes.

MORGAN: Becoming unemployable? GRIFFIN: Absolutely.

MORGAN: Simply too outrageous for American --

GRIFFIN: No. Are you kidding, I live to work. I love to work. I love doing standup. I love doing "My Life on the D-List." I'm proud of the show, I stand by the show. And you know, I mean, this is silly, but like the Emmy is a big deal. You know? This is my little show that could. Six seasons. We did everything from (INAUDIBLE) performed in Iraq in a war zone.

MORGAN: Why if you love it so much is it not on air anymore?

GRIFFIN: Well, I think because -- you know, when I started doing my show, reality was in a really different place. You know? So on my show, I -- you know, this year, I had a March in Freedom Plaza in D.C. to help repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and performed at Walter Reed. And I even -- you know, we tackled some sort of semiserious issues always with a wink.

And then a lot of just really, really silly stuff. And now the reality shows that I love to watch, that's not really what I do. So on my show you're not really going to see my 91-year-old alcoholic mother flip a table. I mean it'd be fun and I can put the mumu on her and give her a box of wine, but you're not going to see us like actually, you know, fist-fighting and stuff like that. Although I will be watching "Jersey Shore." Don't get me wrong.

(LAUGHTER)

MORGAN: Well, look, (INAUDIBLE) about your parents. I want to talk to you about your parents when we come back.

GRIFFIN: OK.

MORGAN: Because they've been a big formative part of your comedic life. Can you please stay in your chair?

GRIFFIN: Why can't -- why?

MORGAN: Just try and control yourself.

GRIFFIN: Always with the rules. Mr. Rules.

MORGAN: I know I'm irresistible but this is really uncomfortable.

GRIFFIN: I'm only human, Piers.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MORGAN: Back now with my interesting guest, Kathy Griffin.

GRIFFIN: Really? Interesting? That's the best adjective you can come up with? MORGAN: Well, the Twitter-sphere is going rather crazy about your performance so far. I'll read you one out from gaygolden5. "Kathy Griffin on the economy climbs on desk to kiss Piers. Most awkward Piers Morgan show ever."

GRIFFIN: Right. Give it up, people. Come on.

MORGAN: And you've only been on 10 minutes.

GRIFFIN: I know.

MORGAN: Congratulations. Now we've had some Morgan shows.

GRIFFIN: Well, I say we do the rest of the show bottomless. Because anyone can do topless. That's so last week. With the glass table, I mean it's limitless.

MORGAN: You are dangerous for any CNN host.

GRIFFIN: I'm dangerous with you right now.

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: And every -- CNN fires you every year.

GRIFFIN: Yes, every year I get fired.

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: And clear back like some terrible slug to get us all back into trouble.

GRIFFIN: Thank you. I am a terrible slug that (INAUDIBLE) every New Year trying to make people laugh. And that's a bumper sticker that I'm going to put on my Prius. I don't have a Prius.

MORGAN: Now I heard you had a bit of a foxy dinner last night.

GRIFFIN: You know, I -- OK, so I have A-list moments in my life.

MORGAN: Hang on. The (INAUDIBLE), you had dinner last night, a private dinner party with Jack Nicholson, Jon Hamm, Steve Martin --

GRIFFIN: Well, Jon Hamm isn't a real celebrity.

MORGAN: He's the biggest movie heartthrob out there.

GRIFFIN: Whatever.

MORGAN: Biggest movie heartthrob.

GRIFFIN: All right, who else?

MORGAN: Steve Martin.

GRIFFIN: Yes. MORGAN: Funniest guy. Lord Michaels. Most brilliant producer and Jack Nicholson, my god, when it comes to movies. I mean literally.

GRIFFIN: No, he really is. He's a legend.

MORGAN: Is he as fun at a private dinner party as I would hope he is?

GRIFFIN: Yes. Meaning he has moment where he is, you know, kind of nutty and then super intelligent and then funny. You know it was the full package. It was definitely a pinch-myself moment.

MORGAN: Did you -- did you give him a lap dance?

GRIFFIN: Yes. And he gave me one and then it was 3:00 in the morning and there's --

MORGAN: This is the problem with you, is it?

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: You put yourself around too much. Jack Nicholson last night, me tonight --

GRIFFIN: You're in good company.

MORGAN: Bit of a brazen hussy, aren't you?

GRIFFIN: Yes. Actually, we were discussing about how in the world of social media, what kind of photo would get out there that could get you in trouble. In my case, there's no such thing. Meaning, there's nothing I could say that wouldn't frankly help my business.

There's no photo that could be out there -- I could be doing anything inappropriate with you or anyone you know, and it would only boost sales.

MORGAN: But you already have done. You've already been seen on this show tonight lap dancing me and straddling the desk to kiss me.

GRIFFIN: I know. But I'm still dressed.

MORGAN: We're still on air miraculously.

GRIFFIN: Let's see what we can do about that.

MORGAN: What did Jack Nicholson think would be a terrible social network moment?

GRIFFIN: First of all, like he knows who you are. That's my start.

MORGAN: Of course he knows who I am.

GRIFFIN: Really?

MORGAN: Doesn't he?

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: Did he talk about me?

GRIFFIN: Not once.

MORGAN: Really?

GRIFFIN: Hold on. Show biz shocker, let's get Nancy Grace. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let's get Jane Velez-Mitchell in here and solve this case. Do you watch HLN, because they're getting better numbers than you at this point?

MORGAN: Actually, they've luckily gone back since the trial ended.

MORGAN: That's great. It's your parent company --

MORGAN: Trust me, we noticed. Yeah, it was killing us.

GRIFFIN: Did you cover Casey Anthony?

MORGAN: A little bit. I felt uncomfortable about it. It's an interesting discussion, because when I saw the people all fighting each other in the queues to get into the trial every day -- in Britain, as I kept saying when we covered it, we don't have cameras in courtrooms. So you don't get this kind of -- this is some form of reality television thing.

And I felt uncomfortable about the whole thing, actually.

GRIFFIN: Well, as a comedian, it's actually very odd, because when I do my shows, people want to hear about Casey, because it's -- she's such a water cooler discussion. When I do my material on her, then the audience gets quiet and uncomfortable.

So at first they're excited like, yeah, everybody's thinking about Casey. That was so messed up. But then when I start making jokes about her and calling her the hot mom, then it gets awkward.

MORGAN: Does it? They don't like that?

GRIFFIN: You don't think hot mom is funny? I think it's hysterical.

MORGAN: It is funny.

GRIFFIN: Because Nancy calls her Tot Mom.

MORGAN: You have to say it in Nancy's voice.

GRIFFIN: Last time I checked, so called Hot Mom fled in a disguise -- (CROSS TALK)

GRIFFIN: Hot Mom, let's unleash the lawyers.

MORGAN: I love Nancy Grace.

GRIFFIN: Who doesn't? You can't be human and not love Nancy.

MORGAN: I interviewed her on the show and she was surprisingly emotional.

GRIFFIN: Really? Surprisingly emotional? She cries every night on her show talking about her twins.

MORGAN: I know that.

GRIFFIN: My twins. Where are the twins?

MORGAN: I think she's a force for good.

GRIFFIN: She's awesome.

MORGAN: Don't you think?

GRIFFIN: Yes, of course. I've been watching her for years. I don't need Casey. I'll watch Nancy in any event. Her book was called "Death on the D List." So I am assuming she wants me dead like everyone else does, apparently, according to you.

MORGAN: Tell me about your parents and the role they played with --

GRIFFIN: My father is no longer with us. He died a couple of years ago, yes. But the great thing is that when my dad was on "My Life on the D List," he really was portrayed the way he really was. So when people come up to me and they say, I feel like I knew your dad, I say you did. He was just like that.

And my mom is a true natural. The other night, we went to the --

MORGAN: How old is she now?

GRIFFIN: Ninety one. She could drink you under this glass table. She would have climbed over here and finished the job.

(CROSS TALK)

GRIFFIN: Hundred percent bunch of drunken Micks. That's all my peeps.

MORGAN: I'm Irish.

GRIFFIN: What? And you're admitting it?

MORGAN: Yes. GRIFFIN: There goes the neighborhood. Yes, I was raised Irish Catholic. The Catholic part didn't really stick. They really tried. Those nuns, they tried. And the Irish -- 100 percent Irish both sides. What town are you from?

MORGAN: I'm from Offuly (ph), is where my family eventually ended up.

GRIFFIN: It sounds like you made that up.

Fact check, is there a fact check department?

MORGAN: It's a place called Banahurn Offuly (ph), which is about an hour from Dublin.

GRIFFIN: My parents are from Carey (ph) and Cork (ph).

MORGAN: Really?

GRIFFIN: Yes. No, I'm going to make that up because it's shocking.

MORGAN: We're kindred spirits.

GRIFFIN: I'll be over that table in two seconds. you have no idea. I'm just getting warmed up. Let me stretch. I'm doing some lunges and I'll see you in a minute.

MORGAN: Do you feel Irish?

GRIFFIN: I do when I watch "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding." Have you seen this show? Don't act like -- exactly, see, you're only human. So those are my people. When I was a kid, we just called them conmen or travelers. Now they're on a television show.

MORGAN: They are. They're superstars.

GRIFFIN: They wear the hoop skirts like "Gone With the Wind." I love it.

MORGAN: We're going to have a break and come back and talk to you about --

GRIFFIN: How can we top this conversation?

MORGAN: We can beat this because we're going to talk about your plastic surgery.

GRIFFIN: What about yours?

MORGAN: I haven't had any.

(CROSS TALK)

MORGAN: Aux natural, as the good lord intended.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GRIFFIN: I like to have a brow lift once or twice a year, where they just take my eyebrows and put them on a totally different part of my head. And after that, I look weeks younger.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

MORGAN: That's from your series "My Life on the D List."

GRIFFIN: actually, that was from one of my standup specials. Your research is dazzling to me, honestly.

MORGAN: I've never actually watched "My Life on the D List."

GRIFFIN: No, I know. It's perfect that you're on a news network.

MORGAN: Now no one is ever going to watch it again. .

GRIFFIN: What are you talking about? It's on every day on Bravo. Emmy nominee. Reformed in a prison.

MORGAN: Tell me, how much plastic surgery have you had?

GRIFFIN: You want to go down the list?

MORGAN: Yes, please.

GRIFFIN: First of all, I haven't had anything done in several year. So I am kind of rethinking the whole thing, because I thought it would change my life and make me happier.

MORGAN: Did it?

GRIFFIN: No. They don't tell you that when they're taking a Sharpie and putting markings on your face, which you're doing emotionally right now. So let's see. I don't know. I did a whole article for "People Magazine" about it in like 1999 or something like that.

But I had a facelift and brow lift. Here's the bottom line. The only things that are real are the boobs and, I don't know, my lips. I had stuff lifted and then it just sort of fell back again.

MORGAN: How much have you spent in total on resculpting?

GRIFFIN: Probably -- this is so sick, but the first time I had it all done, I did like a trade out which is really one of my best whore moments ever. I have had some good whore moments, some tonight. But this one I actually had at a medical facility.

So I did like a trade out, which is really not what I recommend. But I don't know --

MORGAN: What do you mean a trade out?

GRIFFIN: What I mean is I went to a doctor who said, OK, if "People Magazine" and "Entertainment Tonight" cover it, I'll comp it. Yes. You can take that in for a minute. Take that in. I'm basically a white slave for myself. I'm my own pimp and ho at the same time.

MORGAN: What did you hope would happen to you?

GRIFFIN: I was supposed to be Jennifer Anniston. That was the deal. That was the deal. I was supposed to wake up and be Scarlet Johansson. That was the deal, in my mind.

MORGAN: What went wrong?

GRIFFIN: It's just -- it just doesn't really do anything. So I had stuff lifted and I had stitches in my head like Frankenstein. Everything but a bolt in my neck. And I had liposuction which went bad and I had to go to the hospital. I didn't know you could just run.

MORGAN: You had the Lasik eye surgery.

GRIFFIN: Yes, that was a real problem.

MORGAN: I had that. I had it 10 years ago, never had a problem. Best thing I ever did in my life.

GRIFFIN: Did you go to Dr. Robert Maloney?

MORGAN: I didn't.

GRIFFIN: OK, well I did.

MORGAN: Any guy called Baloney is going to be a problem.

GRIFFIN: Maloney. But I -- it didn't work for me. I had four corrective surgeries after that. I had a condition called Epithelial Fell in Growth (ph). But that wasn't a cosmetic thing. That was to correct my vision.

But I will tell you, that's definitely the worst horror story I have as far as any kind of procedure of any kind. And that was bad news because my eye is permanently damaged.

(CROSS TALK)

GRIFFIN: I would be suspicious of that when you say the word most. I'd be suspicious that most people don't have problems with Lasik. That was my experience. Yes

MORGAN: Well, you're looking at one. Ten year, never had a problem.

GRIFFIN: Good you. Well, why don't you and Pfizer just go --

MORGAN: Don't say it. Don't get me air off too. GRIFFIN: By the way, Pfizer was random. I actually have nothing against Pfizer. Let's stop the hate Tweets right now. I'm already busy --

MORGAN: Do you like being engaged in Twitter?

GRIFFIN: I love Twitter.

MORGAN: How do you deal with the fury that you get?

GRIFFIN: Oh, I love it. I don't know if you do this, but every so often, I'll just write something so rude back to one of the haters, and then it just blows up. I love it.

But I do actually get some really -- I hate to say this, but amusing death threats.

MORGAN: Amusing death threat.

GRIFFIN: Some of them are just so over the top. And they often will do a thing where -- I call it cc-ing, but they'll include like Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann or something. They're always from like JesusLovesYou123. There's one guy that wants to shoot me down all the way to hell.

So he wants to actually shoot me as the Earth parts, and then I go all the way down like James Franco in "127 Hours." And then I get to my corner booth in hell, where I think I'm going to see you, frankly, call the maitre di, garcon, and then he's still shooting, but the bullets melt, because I'm in hell.

I thought this all through.

MORGAN: Do you like the engagement on Twitter with people?

GRIFFIN: No, I like that you don't engage. I don't do Facebook at all. Or as my mother calls it, Faceplace. That scares me. I have friends that have broken up because of a status update, all that stuff. But Twitter I like, because I can just put out a joke, or talk about being on this show and say, everybody, I'm on John King Live, or whatever your name is.

The point is I'm saying positive things about you, Ali Velshi. And then I get to watch the responses. I read every one of them. And many of them make me laugh out loud.

MORGAN: Twitter right now is going completely nuts about your behavior.

GRIFFIN: You mean, people @KathyGriffin and @PiersMorgan?

MORGAN: Yes.

GRIFFIN: By the way, when I greet friends, I don't say hello anymore. I just say at. Hello @SharonOsborne. I don't really need to talk to people anymore. I just talk to Twitter. MORGAN: You're right. You end up talking to other celebrities purely through Twitter.

GRIFFIN: Cher Tweets me in the middle of the night. And it's hysterical. She yells at me through Twitter. I had to finally call her and say you can just yell at me through texting. Or you can just come over and yell at me, or I can go to your house and you can yell at me. Cher has great Tweets.

MORGAN: Does she?

GRIFFIN: Yes, she's a good one.

MORGAN: Can you get her to Tweet me in the middle of the night?

GRIFFIN: No, you're not big enough. Good luck. You're on the way there. It's good. No, I love that you slept your way to the middle. That's great. That's working out great for you.

Cher's so not going to know who you are. If you were on C-Span, she would know. . MORGAN: Of course Cher knows who I am.

GRIFFIN: What world do you live in?

(CROSS TALK)

MORGAN: If I keep saying it long enough and hard enough --

GRIFFIN: You're acting as if.

MORGAN: Yes, why not. Jack Nicholson could think of nothing better right now than coming on my show.

GRIFFIN: You're not going to let that go. You're like a dog with a bone.

MORGAN: He hasn't done a TV interview in 35 years.

GRIFFIN: He's not doing this show.

MORGAN: Yes, he is.

GRIFFIN: Really? Excuse me, hey, crazy pants.

MORGAN: I believe firmly, if you say it often enough, loudly enough, they happen.

GRIFFIN: Really, Oprah? All right, if you're going to do a secret, let me know. How terrified were you on Oprah? You looked like you had diarrhea in your diaper that whole night. By the way, I would too

MORGAN: I was actually slightly in awe of her. I don't mind admitting that.

GRIFFIN: Duh. It was obvious.

MORGAN: She's like a goddess.

GRIFFIN: How many times have you been properly in love. Because honestly, I have been waiting long enough --

MORGAN: You've been watching the show.

GRIFFIN: I watch it every night.

MORGAN: Do you?

GRIFFIN: Every night. What about when you had Ryan and Tatum O'Neill but separate hours.

MORGAN: Yes.

GRIFFIN: I thought he was going to --

MORGAN: Here's the story for you. I stayed at Sharon Osborne's Malibu Beach house last weekend. And Ryan O'Neill has the house next door. He was playing Frisbee with his dog on the beach, and he told me because of that double interview, they now got back talking and things are moving in the right direction.

I was very pleased to hear that.

GRIFFIN: It is so fascinating to me that you are so delusional that you would believe Ryan O'Neill, who I believe was arrested for meth possession, would be playing Frisbee and then -- OK, fine.

The Moon is made of cheese and I have antenna. There. Are we done now?

MORGAN: You are done for about two minutes. We're having a break. When we come back, I want to talk to you about, unsurprisingly, some of your many feuds with people that want to kill you, of which I'm not adding myself.

GRIFFIN: Why does that make me giggle? I can't help it. It makes me giggle.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MORGAN: And now the moment I've most been looking forward to, the throw to Anderson Cooper, to get a review of his show. Anderson, I have a friend of yours with me tonight who is causing absolute merry hell.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: You guys lost me at epithelia eye surgery. I mean --

GRIFFIN: Anderson, get me off. This is a nightmare, seriously. Thank God this show is taped and it's not going to air.

COOPER: No please, tell me more about your guys' eye problems. What?

GRIFFIN: You mean my botched laser surgery?

COOPER: I love that you made a deal with a doctor for plastic surgery.

GRIFFIN: Yeah, it's called comps. Try it.

COOPER: Yeah, I'll have the bargain pack.

GRIFFIN: What can I get? Who has got some extra botox laying around with the Cheerios.

COOPER: Did you have to mention the doctor's name in interviews?

GRIFFIN: Yeah, of course.

Piers isn't wearing pants, just so you know.

GRIFFIN: There's nothing new about that.

MORGAN: She's straddled the desk twice so far. I don't know how you do that New Years Eve thing, seriously.

GRIFFIN: Piers thinks he's famous. It's super awkward.

COOPER: I know. It's funny, isn't it?

(CROSS TALK)

GRIFFIN: -- Jack Nicholson is begging to be on the show.

MORGAN: By the way, Anderson, involving our Twitter feud, where you seem to think you're going to beat me, I'm catching you fast. I'm coming at you.

COOPER: Bring it on. Bring it on is all I have to say. Kathy, --

GRIFFIN: Because everyone knows Twitter has translated into nothing. A million followers after having a show every single night.

MORGAN: I can say as an absolute fact now, I will overtake Anderson Cooper within the next three months in terms of followers on Twitter.

GRIFFIN: Uncomfortable.

COOPER: Uncomfortable.

MORGAN: It's the only yard stick that matters anymore, Anderson.

GRIFFIN: Anderson, don't you have one of those Youtube clips with a dog that talks that we can throw to. Because seriously, somebody has got to save me. This guy is a nightmare.

MORGAN: OK, enough of this.

(NEWS BREAK)

MORGAN: All sounds boring to me, Anderson.

GRIFFIN: I think piers is on the ridiculous. Miss you. Smooches.

MORGAN: Thanks, Anderson. Kathy --

GRIFFIN: I always love that moment where he has to go from B.S.ing with us to a serious role. That's so uncomfortable. How does this work?

MORGAN: You're still live on air. What are you doing?

GRIFFIN: I don't know. I thought it would be time to take the mike off.

MORGAN: Well, can you just do this in a more discreet manner rather than revealing all the -- we're still conducting an interview, live on television.

GRIFFIN: I'm sorry. I thought Jack Nicholson was in the parking garage.

MORGAN: What are you doing? Just leave it alone. This is really awkward.

GRIFFIN: Are you missing Tatum O'Neal.

MORGAN: I'm missing anybody right now. Seriously, an empty chair would be an improvement.

GRIFFIN: You're making me fall properly in love with you. I mean it.

MORGAN: How many times have you been properly in love?

GRIFFIN: Oh, you did not -- I'll throw this mike pack at your --

MORGAN: Do what you like. I'm still asking you the question.

GRIFFIN: OK. I don't know. Several.

MORGAN: How many?

GRIFFIN: I've never counted. Like how many guys have I slept with?

MORGAN: Yeah.

GRIFFIN: How many digits would make you happy?

MORGAN: As many as are truthful. Let's keep it honest. GRIFFIN: What are you stealing Anderson's -- are you going from the ridiculous and the shot of the day next, for God's sake? I'm a virgin. I'm waiting for the right person.

There's a bunch.

MORGAN: If you could be trapped on a desert island for the rest of your life, right now, with one of your exes, who would it be?

GRIFFIN: You. See, people don't know that. Guess what, tonight's the night. That's how I'm going to get you fired. What if I had a super-weird, freaky porn tape with you. And I was like surprise. And you had a clown mask on.

MORGAN: I might be tempted.

GRIFFIN: Look, we're going to create a Youtube moment if it's the last thing you do. I do. I'm sorry.

MORGAN: Are you single at the moment?

GRIFFIN: I'm single, but I'm dating.

MORGAN: Who are you dating?

GRIFFIN: Guys that ask me.

MORGAN: Any in particular?

GRIFFIN: The ones who I happen to be home when they call. No. You know, I like dating. I think a lot of women give dating a bad rap. I like it. It's a chance to get to know somebody new.

MORGAN: I can't even imagine going on a date with you.

GRIFFIN: It's a nightmare, right?

MORGAN: Seriously. How do they go?

GRIFFIN: Well, I'm super-excited when a guy picks up the tab and has a job. It hasn't happened. But a girl can dream.

MORGAN: You're basically shockingly materialistic.

GRIFFIN: Yes. No. Me? Are you kidding? No.

MORGAN: Are you or not?

GRIFFIN: I'm happy for a good lay and a pizza and a smile. Sorry, morals, values and a -- I don't know. Just want somebody to laugh with.

MORGAN: Would you like to get married again?

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: Why?

GRIFFIN: Did that. There's no reason for me to get married. If I have one egg left, I'm going to fry it and throw it at your head. I don't want to have kids. I --

MORGAN: Why?

GRIFFIN: I have a special needs child. It's called my career. And I raise her every, single day. And she's ornery and difficult.

But, no, I'm just not really -- you know? I'm not into the kids.

MORGAN: How do you see your life panning out?

GRIFFIN: Well, after this, it's in the crapper because of this. No, I love to do what -- it was fun when you had that show on CNN, wasn't it?

MORGAN: Loved it. I'll dream wistfully of it.

GRIFFIN: I love doing what I do. So I love continuing to do standup. I am doing four specials for Bravo in one year. None of your guests ever will say that, except me. Never been done, four hour specials, all new material, in one year.

I love doing standup. I'm on a show called "Drop Dead Diva." And I'm very excited about the whole Emmy pomp and circumstance. Now do you go to the Emmy's or are you too high and mighty?

MORGAN: No, I went to the Emmy's last year. I loved it.

GRIFFIN: Right. It's exciting, right? Who is doing your dress?

MORGAN: I haven't decided yet.

GRIFFIN: Oscar? Carolina? I love the whole thing. I take it very seriously. I'm very proud to be in that company. I'm shocked that I'm in that company. And it never gets old.

MORGAN: Didn't I see you standing outside one of the pre-Emmy parties last time trying to meet people?

GRIFFIN: No. I bring my Emmy.

MORGAN: Yes?

GRIFFIN: I'm the greeter at the --

MORGAN: You were just randomly standing there saying hello to everybody.

GRIFFIN: Yes, I do. I bring my Emmys every year to this very, very fantasy A-list party called the Night Before. It's not appropriate. There's no press there. And I just do it to see who has a sense of humor. I stand outside this party holding my Emmys. And I say to every celebrity, no matter how famous they are, would you like a photo with a real Emmy. I'm -- half of them laugh and half of them go, oh, I don't know her. And half of them are guys I slept with, going, don't know her.

Every year I do it. And I don't know Jeffrey Katzenberg.

MORGAN: I was laughing when I saw you.

GRIFFIN: Did you enjoy it?

MORGAN: Yes, it was funny. You just jumped me out of nowhere and said would you like to be photographed with an Emmy. I know, they're all jumping me.

GRIFFIN: We probably have a picture of us together with my Emmys.

MORGAN: Not a good thought.

GRIFFIN: We need a third one.

MORGAN: Hold the thought. I want to talk to you after this break about --

GRIFFIN: You don't know what I'm going to hold. My hot little hands, Morgie. Let's go. Get this party started.

GRIFFIN: Why am I now really nervous about the last five minutes?

MORGAN: Because you're going to check your Twitter. You're going to freak out. You're going to read all the responses and get nervous. And I'm going to watch with glee. The show was on once.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hey. That is my almond milk.

GRIFFIN: Well, I guess that makes you Terry.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Are you going to replace what you drank? It's organic.

GRIFFIN: Oh, well, I would tell you to have your assistant buy you another carton, but I can tell by your shoes that you are the assistant.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

MORGAN: Your guest starring role in "Drop Dead Diva" on Lifetime, August the 14th, with another controversial comedienne, Margaret Cho. Friend of yours? GRIFFIN: Old pal of mine, absolutely.

MORGANS: Rival?

GRIFFIN: Not at all. In fact, she was there the first night ever did standup. I had a couple of friends tell me early on that said, do your thing. I'm not really a one-liner person. I do these --

MORGAN: If you had to choose a one-liner to be your last line on Earth, what would it be?

GRIFFIN: Suck it. Everybody suck it. I'd be out. That's like my version of Seacrest out. Remember when he used to say that? Seacrest out. Do you have one of those? What do you say at the end of the show? You say, thank you, God.

MORGAN: No, I normally have to look in the camera and say -- it's a horrible thing to have to say every night. Now, Anderson Cooper.

GRIFFIN: Would you like me to help you?

MORGAN: You can do it tonight. Would you like to do the tease to Anderson?

GRIFFIN: I insist. It's in my rider.

MORGAN: In that case, you have to just look straight ahead into the camera and say whatever you want to say to Anderson because we have 30 seconds left.

GRIFFIN: OK.

MORGAN: You can see this chaotic, probably career-ending show out.

GRIFFIN: Perfect.

MORGAN: Off you go.

GRIFFIN: Anderson, it's me, Kathy Griffin. This has been a fantastic and final episode of PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT. Let's see what you have in your slate tonight. Thank you. And take it away, Sanjay.

MORGAN: That's is us for tonight.

COOPER: I'm here with Ali Velshi, Kathy. You'll be excited.

GRIFFIN: Give him a lap dance for me.

MORGAN: Take it away.

COOPER: Maybe in segment two.

Piers, thanks very much. Kathy, thanks, I think.