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PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT

Interview With Bob Woodruff; Interview With Kathy Griffin

Aired August 6, 2011 - 21:00   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


PIERS MORGAN, CNN HOST: Tonight, it's a miracle, but can Gabby Giffords really make a full recovery? Well, he did.

BOB WOODRUFF, ABC NEWS: Suddenly there was an IED that exploded, and then instantly knocked out, unconscious.

MORGAN: Bob Woodruff, on his own near-death experience, how it changed his life forever and what it will take for Gabby Giffords to battle back.

And, the most outspoken woman in the country, Kathy Griffin.

KATHY GRIFFIN, COMEDIAN: My goal is to get Anderson Cooper fired. And now that he's doing the talk show, what does he care, frankly? Also I'm actually going to be on Piers Morgan Thursday.

MORGAN: Yes, indeed you are, Kathy. And I've got the seven-second delay ready to go so tell us what you really think.

GRIFFIN: CNN, I like you, but you're no Nancy Grace.

MORGAN: I see. Kathy Griffin on success.

GRIFFIN: Awards are more important than people or family.

MORGAN: Her thoughts on Casey Anthony.

GRIFFIN: The Casey Anthony watch, you know, with the mask and is she going to get plastic surgery? Which I can give her a couple of phone numbers, frankly.

MORGAN: And her depressing life on the D-list. That's Kathy Griffin.

MORGAN: This is PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT.

Good evening. Anybody watching the debt vote in the House Monday night had to have been extraordinarily moved by that remarkable emotional moment when Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords walked out to the floor to cast her first vote since an assassination attempt nearly killed her back in January.

Joining me now is a man who's had his own brush with death, ABC News's Bob Woodruff. He's got a primetime "Nightline" special on her and other near-death experiences tonight at 10:00 Eastern.

Bob joins me now. Bob, it must have been a pretty moving moment for you particularly, I would have thought, watching Gabby Giffords given what you had been through yourself.

WOODRUFF: You know, I think all of us -- I'm sure you're the same. You're pretty stunned and shocked that she showed up like that suddenly right there on the floor of Congress.

You know her recovery has been pretty remarkable, I have to say. I didn't really expect her to be out there alone, out there walking and speaking to those that were there.

You know the last time she even went public in terms of visually was just the release of a couple of pictures back about three months ago, shortly before right -- you know, right before she got the part of her skull put back on.

But now this time suddenly out of nowhere and she said this is the most important thing to her, to go ahead and vote on this extremely important issue that's been recent.

MORGAN: I mean you're a top news man. It's been a very divisive period for American politics. And Washington getting a lot of heat. In that one moment it seemed to bring a bit of humanity to proceedings, I thought.

WOODRUFF: Yes, it was this moment of being united instead of, you know, bitter and fighting. And I think people did step away from that, too. It's not exactly a permanent cure to this kind of conflict that we've got. But certainly at that moment and for that day I think there was some happiness to see her not only just alive because it's a miracle that she even survived, but also reaching the medical level that she has.

MORGAN: And just to remind people who don't know your story. You were working for ABC. You went to Iraq. You were embedded with American soldiers. And what happened next?

WOODRUFF: Well, we were on the road. This is back January 2006. Believe it or not, 5 1/2 years ago. So we're aging a lot faster than we thought we would, Piers. But it was -- we were on the road just outside of Tajji with the U.S. military and the Iraqi military. And suddenly there was an IED that exploded about 20 yards to my left. My cameraman, Doug Vogt, was also there on top of the vehicle with me.

And then instantly knocked out, unconscious. And it wasn't until 36 days later got back to the Bethesda Naval in New York where I finally woke up and was able to start to remember somewhat of what happened to us out there.

MORGAN: And you wrote a very moving piece about Gabby Giffords soon after the attempt to kill her, which I read at the time. And you were sort of predicting how you felt it could have gone.

You were quite optimistic when many were pessimistic because having been through what you'd been through, arguably you started from a worse place. You were in a coma for 36 days. She wasn't. You know, she came round quicker than you did. So you could see possible life at the end of the tunnel, couldn't you?

WOODRUFF: Yes. And I think people are kind of surprised. When you see at first what happened -- I've seen this and I've done stories many times about those that were really badly injured. Now nobody gets back to 100 percent of the way they were before. But it goes in some ways better. Slower, generally, for everybody, the recovery. But it goes -- it goes better than you thought.

I mean, certainly there she was, you know, shot right in the head. Unconscious in the beginning. And just really didn't know. But she, you know, improved faster than people thought. But I mean the main point that I wanted to say was that, you know, this is a long, long road to recovery, but it -- you end up being better every year than you were before.

Even though there are some comments from certain insurance, especially this improvement, you know, ends after a couple of years. Well, she's got the same thing. She's got, you know, injury to the left part of her head. She was actually shot right over here.

The IED, you know, hit me on that side. My skull, called a craniectomy, was removed from this side so the brain can expand -- so that the brain can actually breathe. And she's had exactly the same thing. For the same exact reason. And it takes generally about four months before they put that back on because the brain has gone back to normal. And she did exactly the same thing.

So in that sense I had a pretty good idea of what she's feeling like, how she's speaking, how she's walking, and certainly her cognitive abilities of what she's able to think like and what she can understand.

MORGAN: I mean the extraordinary thing talking to you, Bob, is that -- is if I hadn't known your story you seem completely normal in every respect. Are you? I mean, do you still have residual issues with the injuries? Do you still have any cognitive problems?

WOODRUFF: Yes, my wife still has problems with me.

(LAUGHTER)

WOODRUFF: Other than that, in terms of medically, you know, I do have issues. You know, I've got what's called aphasia, which is a loss of my ability to remember certain things. The order of letters sometimes are very difficult. I've lost my memory of many, many words.

So in the very beginning, when I was hit, I lost just tons of words. In fact, I couldn't even make my point because I couldn't get past the point where I could continue. I just couldn't find any way to communicate, to really give somebody my ideas. But now I'm able to find synonyms. So I can make my point as long as I can have this ability to deviate around some way.

I can't just go straight down the interstate like I used to. And now sometimes I run into points where I can't remember something specific. So I have to go around another road and then back on the -- on the interstate to keep going.

Sometimes it may appear to be the same speed to someone like you, Piers. But I know to me it's slower than it used to be. So there's still a lot of difficulty with that. I've also got recognition problems still where sometimes I'll meet people and I don't even really recognize them again 10 minutes later or really knew exactly where I met them.

But every day, every week this is getting better. I can't even tell you. If I was doing this with you a year ago it would be even more difficult for me.

MORGAN: I mean, despite all these obvious frustrations, Bob, I guess there must also be a sense you that feel every day of being -- of feeling lucky to be alive.

WOODRUFF: You know, that's interesting you say that because I absolutely feel that way. And I've had, you know, more time to spend with my -- with my family, with my kids, with my friends. I don't -- I'm not quite as irritated by things that you irritate me, but it is not a cure. There's also issues that are raised, that exist.

And I also feel like we've got a very short period of time alive. You know, I know -- I have a good idea now that life is not long. It is certainly relatively short. And so let's do things more that we want to do.

Let's do -- let's have some more adventures. Let's help more people. Let's spend more time with the people that we love. In that sense, yes, it's been a change for me.

MORGAN: Both and you Gabby Giffords had the benefit of remarkable people to help you. In her case her husband, Mark. In your case your wife, Lee. How important looking back do you think it is to have a spouse who's just absolutely there for you?

WOODRUFF: Piers, there's no -- there's no proof, you know, scientifically or medically that having a family around you in moments like that step up your recovery. But they without question do. And does this mean that your neurons of your brain are improved because of friends around? I don't know.

I don't think we really know. But I feel that them being close at times like that was a better way to be in terms -- in terms of the speed of your coming back. And I tell that to a lot of people that have gone through the same thing.

Now the sad thing is I have met some that are not necessarily, you know, very close to their families, have now gotten better over more time because of this. And I don't want to feel that this is the only way to improve it but I think when you're there with your family, certainly those that have come there to help you, I think it does step it up scientifically and medically as well.

MORGAN: Have you been able to talk to any of Gabby Giffords' family throughout this process?

WOODRUFF: I've spoken to -- I've spoken to Mark, you know, her husband, who's been a remarkable astronaut, and I've covered that as well at NASA. And he's been -- he's been terrific. I think he's been incredibly optimistic from the very beginning.

You know, we had obviously conferences down at NASA where he -- where he gave, you know, the statements about how she's doing, which was really pretty reflective of exactly how she was advancing. And so he's been that way as well.

And I think, again, without him I don't know how she would have done, but I think the general issue would have been the way she is. But without him I think it would have been slowed down a bit. He's been remarkably, remarkably good.

MORGAN: And given that she's -- you know, four and a bit years behind you in terms of her recovery and the injuries were not dissimilar, what's the best advice you would give Gabby Giffords right now as she's finally back on her feet and beginning to be able to lead a more normal life? What do you -- what do you say to her?

WOODRUFF: You know, in some ways, Piers, I don't really -- I don't really know what to say. I think she's probably got the same feelings about it that I did. I think I've got, you know, deep feelings that there are certain frustrations in your life, you're going to have more fatigue, you're going to have difficulty speaking.

She's also got physical issues because she actually had some tissue injury. That means that the right side of her is not -- it's not completely paralyzed but it is -- she's lost some of her movement on her right. But all of these things with her, I guess my only advice to her is, you know, keep faith. You know, that you are going to come through.

And you remember that your life is not necessarily the same as it was before. And some things are worse than they were before. But I think there really are some things that are even better. And part of it is the time that you spend with your family and members of your friends and your family. I think is also something that's improved over time. And I think you've got a better attitude towards the way life -- your life is.

MORGAN: And what did you learn about yourself, Bob, in all this?

(LAUGHTER)

WOODRUFF: You mean good news or bad news?

MORGAN: You know what, good and bad.

WOODRUFF: I have more time to spend with my brothers. You know, yes. I get a lot of old bad stories about it. But what I learned about myself, you know, I don't know how to answer that. I think that -- you know, that's a good question. I don't think many people have ever asked me that before. But I think part of it is you look back at the way that you had -- you know certain things to you were easy.

You know, how much I could -- how much I had read, how many places I'd been to and how lucky that has been. And generally, I've been -- I don't know. I've been OK with changing directions to go to different kinds of work.

You know, now, though, I have more -- I'm more tired at times than I was before. So I don't have that same kind of energy to go everywhere that I want to go. I do want to spend more time around my family, which means I don't do as much of that. But I don't know.

I've learned that I've been a little bit kind of insane of wanting to go as far as possible to see as more interesting pieces that I could, places that I could see. But now I see that in my -- in my mind, and I think generally -- you'd have to ask that question of my wife, for example. She could probably tell you more about that.

MORGAN: Well, I guess the reason I was curious is because Gabby Giffords is clearly, I would imagine, beginning to consider a political comeback. And you have made a very successful comeback as a reporter.

Do you think you're a better reporter in a strange way for what you've been through?

WOODRUFF: You know, some people have actually said that. You know, there's more of a calmness, I think, to the way that I report. Maybe different kinds of stories that I'm pursuing. I'm not really able to -- I'm not allowed anymore to cover wars the way those old days. Neither ABC nor my wife.

And my family, my brothers don't really want me to, either. So I'm reporting differently. More longer-term, in-depth stories as opposed to big breaking stories daily like that. So yes, that's somewhat different.

And Gabby, now she's made this comeback, which is really important. You know I did a story with Tim Johnson, the senator out of South Dakota, a story about him because he did the same thing. You know he had an aneurysm that just knocked him out. He was on a radio show at the time and just completely passed -- you know, could not speak anymore.

And he was out of Senate, of the Senate for more than a year, and then he finally came back and ran again. And that's the big question now with Gabby. In 2012 will she run again? Now they have not committed to it yet. According to Mark and of course her campaign members, that they said she has not made her decision yet whether she's going to run in 2012 again.

But I think she's going to. I think you saw her right there on the floor and you saw that she can fit in. So like Tim Johnson I think that she's probably going to make a comeback. But it's going to be some challenges for her as well when she's there. But I think cognitively the most important thing for her is that she's going to get that back over time and she'll be able to translate and communicate as well as she did before.

You know her voice will sound different, probably. And certainly her wording is going to be different. But I think that she will have the same political position on things, although who knows? And she will probably have the same ability to get through issues of politics and policy that is probably the same as it was before.

MORGAN: Bob, you've told in great detail about your own near-death experience. When we come back after the break, I want to talk to you about this show you have tonight on "Nightline," on ABC. It's a primetime special about not just your experience but also other people that have been, well, close to death.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MORGAN: Back now with ABC News' Bob Woodruff.

Bob, you've got this special primetime show "Beyond Belief" tonight on "Nightline." Tell me about it.

WOODRUFF: Well, this is -- if you look at all -- people that have got into some issues, maybe medically or they've been hit or they've gone unconscious, and even some of those that have remained conscious, a lot of people have these images. They feel like they've gone after life where they -- some of them deeply believe they've now seen heaven. Others believe that they've just seen part of their past when they see.

But this is what happened to me really. When I was hit back in 2006, when I was knocked out by that bomb, when I went unconscious for that one minute, I saw my body floating underneath me, and I did not wake up until 36 days later, back in the U.S., in the Bethesda Naval.

And one of the very first thing that I said to my wife was, I saw my body floating below. And she wrote down all the details of this. What I said. And I told her, I said I saw, you know, whiteness. I said there was no pain, it was comfortable. In some ways that I thought maybe I should just stay here, I should not even go back.

And it turns out that I met so many others that felt the same. You know, we put part of our book about this, you know, 4 1/2 years ago we came out with, and I got so many calls after that from people who have seen something very similar when they've had difficulties or gone or believed that they were going to die.

And some of them even said they did die and then they came back over the line. So it's very interesting to take a look. We want journalistically in this case to try to see what people feel like, what it looks like to them, what doctors think about this, what do scientists think.

We even had a, you know, conversation with an atheist who also saw something very similar to those that are very, very religious. Very similar to what they saw. It's really an interesting thing --

(LAUGHTER) MORGAN: That must have been a bit of a blow for an atheist to find out there's an afterlife.

(LAUGHTER)

WOODRUFF: Well, it is kind of an afterlife. Just what is it, you know, when you go? I mean some of them believe surely it's an illusion --

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: Let's take a -- yes, let's take a look, Bob, at a clip from the -- from the show tonight.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

WOODRUFF: Were you ever above your body? Did you see yourself at all in any of this?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Well, I -- when I was going up, I knew my body was back there, like I caught a glimpse of it.

WOODRUFF: You did?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Mm-hmm. I wasn't afraid at all.

WOODRUFF: Yes. I mean, I saw mine. That's really pretty much as far as I got.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Were you attached to it?

WOODRUFF: Attached to it?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes. Like did you feel attached to it?

WOODRUFF: No. I felt like I'd become a stranger. I think I had -- I don't know. I thought either I'd gone into a dream or there was something firing around my head or I was somehow on a trip.

(END OF VIDEO CLIP)

MORGAN: I mean, so it's a fascinating subject here, Bob. And I can't wait to see the whole show. Because everyone wonders, don't they, what it's like, if you've go through what you've been through, do you have these kind of out-of-body weird experiences.

When you look back on what you went through, what do you actually think it was? I mean, are you a believer in god? Do you believe it was a religious thing or -- well, what was it?

WOODRUFF: You know, this is -- this is one of those things that we will know the absolute truth of what it is that we saw and what we lived through, you know, when we die. Yes, I'm definitely, you know, a believer.

And a lot of them, even my somewhat -- some critics in some ways, and she was kind of a little bit, not a full believer in where she was going, Mary Jo, who you just saw there, when she went, but this was a changer for her. Now she's a deep believer. She saw such specific details of what she partly expected.

She did not see God, but she saw, you know, comfort, and she saw the whiteness, and she saw incredible comfort and absolutely no pain. All of that very similar to mine. But we don't really know exactly what caused it. I think most of the people that we talked to really hope that it ends up that way. They we're in a beautiful, comfortable place once we're gone.

But those that were -- in fact, we talked to an atheist who really believes that they are totally fine with dying now because of what they saw. Again, because it's not -- it's not painful, and they saw some people that have been parts of their lives there at that moment.

And they think that they may be having those same thoughts. At least probably ending when they die. But certainly they're having during that time -- during that time of dying.

MORGAN: Well, Bob Woodruff, I can't think of many more compelling reasons to watch the show than the end of atheism as we know it. So everyone should tune in tonight to ABC's "Primetime Nightline" special, "Beyond Belief," hosted by Bob Woodruff. I can't wait to see it.

Bob, it's been a real pleasure. It really has. Thank you very much.

WOODRUFF: Yes, thank you, Piers. Same thing.

MORGAN: Coming up, the most outspoken woman in America -- my interview with Kathy Griffin. What is she saying tonight?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MORGAN: All right, brace yourselves, America, because the seven- second delay was invented for my next guest, Kathy Griffin, who's here live. A woman who will literally say anything.

GRIFFIN: Absolutely. Now is there a delay between the table?

MORGAN: No.

GRIFFIN: Is there a magical seven seconds --

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: Well, clearly not the way you jumped on me before the break.

GRIFFIN: I jumped on you. So what? I thought we would start with a lap dance.

MORGAN: Literally within three seconds of us being together, you were doing a lap dance.

GRIFFIN: I saw you do the same thing with Condoleezza Rice and you did not complain.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: I've watched every episode.

MORGAN: This thing about you being the most outrageous woman in America.

GRIFFIN: Well, you said it. And I just --

MORGAN: But is it true?

GRIFFIN: I said foxiest bikini model but you couldn't put that in the prompter.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: Is it, Piers?

MORGAN: Do you seek outrage?

GRIFFIN: Yes. I do.

MORGAN: Why?

GRIFFIN: Because it's fun. It's going to shake people up. I like to see people like that. People that will say anything unfiltered.

MORGAN: Do you have any filter?

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: Any limits?

GRIFFIN: Have you seen one?

MORGAN: It's not obviously identifiable, I have to say.

GRIFFIN: No. I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun.

(LAUGHTER)

MORGAN: Do you care about making enemies? Because some people really do, really do take it badly. Don't they?

GRIFFIN: You mean the Tea Party?

MORGAN: The Tea Party --

GRIFFIN: They don't take it so well.

MORGAN: The ladies of "The View."

GRIFFIN: Yes .

MORGAN: I mean there's people who just want to kill you.

GRIFFIN: That's true.

MORGAN: Sarah Palin would like to kill you.

GRIFFIN: Yes. But you know I actually went to her house in an episode of "My Life on the D-List." Emmy nominated.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: Where's my light?

MORGAN: And cancelled.

GRIFFIN: Anyway -- it's not canceled. I've (INAUDIBLE) doing it on two payments. Sorry, I'm going to take it down. Down. I'm counting backwards from 10. Don't hit the host, kiss him. Kiss him.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: Anyway, in an episode of "My Life on the D-List", I actually went to Wasilla, Alaska, went to Sarah Palin's house, with Levi Johnston, and knocked on her door.

MORGAN: And what happened?

GRIFFIN: How about that? Well, I invited her to a show. In fact I offered her a two-for-one ticket which I rarely do. And she did not come. But she has an open invite to come see me live anytime.

MORGAN: But she really hates you.

GRIFFIN: Yes, I know.

MORGAN: I mean you were pretty vile about her daughter.

GRIFFIN: I -- you know, she says some pretty outrageous things.

MORGAN: Filter?

GRIFFIN: No filter. Not with the Palin.

MORGAN: Daughters?

GRIFFIN: Not with the Bachmanns.

MORGAN: Do you -- I mean do you --

(CROSSTALK)

GRIFFIN: Wait, wait, I'm sorry, excuse me. Are we talking about Bristol who made over $250,000 last year doing speaking engagement about teen abstinence?

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: That writes itself. In light of the market crash today. I don't feel too bad for the Palin's. They'll be OK.

MORGAN: Tell me about the market -- tell me about the market crash. Do you --

GRIFFIN: Who better to ask.

MORGAN: Well, why not?

GRIFFIN: What can I not tell you?

MORGAN: You're an American citizen.

GRIFFIN: Sure.

MORGAN: You spend money. You --

GRIFFIN: Kathy Geithner.

MORGAN: Exactly.

GRIFFIN: When you think money, you think Treasury Secretary Griffin.

MORGAN: You certainly do, Kathy Bernanke with a certain ring to it. What do you think, in all seriousness, about what's happening to your country?

GRIFFIN: Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.

So I'm more conscious of that than ever as are the other performers that I know and you knows. So it's frightening but we're going to get through it.

MORGAN: Do you think -- do you think Washington politicians have any real connect now to the American public?

GRIFFIN: Yes. They're human beings. I mean, this particular bunch is a little frightening to me, but I still support the president, which in Hollywood, by the way, makes you a terrorist. I even liked Jimmy Carter. So whoa, shoot me now, shoot me in my sleep.

But you know I think he's a very bright guy. And also people seem to forget that during the Clinton administration, you know, there was no debt at all. I mean, it was gone. And then during eight years of Bush, I really feel like that's --

MORGAN: The problem --

GRIFFIN: It was almost an untenable situation for the president to --

MORGAN: But the problem for the president is he inherited clearly a massive hospital (ph) task.

GRIFFIN: Yes. But let's not forget that, that he inherited it, by the way.

MORGAN: I'm not forgetting it.

GRIFFIN: OK.

MORGAN: But let's also not forget that the situation has got worse, despite the stimulus package. It was supposed --

GRIFFIN: How do you make a deal with people who don't want to make a deal?

MORGAN: Yes, he brought the stimulus package that clearly hasn't been working. I mean the economy is continuing to tank.

GRIFFIN: Are you accidentally doing your John Boehner interview?

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: Because --

MORGAN: I'm getting your views. You're a smart -- I'll tell you why.

(CROSSTALK)

GRIFFIN: My views about politics?

MORGAN: Yes. Because you're a smart businesswoman apart from --

GRIFFIN: Honey, if I -- well, how good is that?

MORGAN: You are, you're a businesswoman. You're very good.

GRIFFIN: I'm like a straight Suze Orman. I'm like a heterosexual Suze Orman.

MORGAN: I'll take it.

GRIFFIN: OK. You can have it. Easier than you have any idea. Really. You can have it really in like 20 minutes. Let's wrap this up, shall we?

MORGAN: Why are you shy about being serious about the economy?

GRIFFIN: Because I don't think --

MORGAN: Why do you find it so absurd that I would ask you?

GRIFFIN: I actually do a lot of political humor, I do more now probably than I ever have.

MORGAN: Really?

GRIFFIN: Because you know, these politicians, they have quotes, they're the gift that keeps on giving. Sometimes I'll just go up on stage and just read the quotes and then see what material comes to me. And sometimes it's just there on the quote. MORGAN: Are the Tea Party characters a particular gift?

GRIFFIN: Are you praying the gay away? Because you know what? I'm obsessed with Marcus Bachmann's clinic. You know his reparative therapy clinic where he tries to de-gay people? For me that was called high school. And it doesn't work.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIFFIN: I tried to get those boys in musical to, you know, put it in my no-no place. Now we're not going to delay that, right? That's harmless.

MORGAN: This is live. Everything is just going straight out.

GRIFFIN: Perfect.

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: You can say whatever you like.

GRIFFIN: I really like it .

MORGAN: You want to get yourself thrown off television? Keep going.

GRIFFIN: Well, I want to get you thrown off. That's my goal.

MORGAN: Well, you'd probably be very popular if you did that.

GRIFFIN: I'm sure I can somehow put you in a position sexual or otherwise --

MORGAN: I prefer --

GRIFFIN: -- where you get fired tonight.

MORGAN: I'm sure you could.

GRIFFIN: OK.

MORGAN: Would you want to do that?

GRIFFIN: I think it'd be fun, it'd be newsworthy. It'd be all over the blogosphere. And people --

(CROSSTALK)

GRIFFIN: People would follow me on Twitter.

MORGAN: I prefer what you said at the start of the interview where --

(CROSSTALK)

GRIFFIN: Which was?

MORGAN: You want to get Anderson fired. That seems a much more -- aspiration to me.

GRIFFIN: Well, that's every -- it's a great aspiration, and every single January 1st --

MORGAN: You try hard.

GRIFFIN: I'm upset if he still has his job. That's my goal. That January 1st, he's crying in my hotel room for other reasons and also because he got fired.

MORGAN: And it's the most dangerous time of Anderson's life, that New Year's Eve thing you did.

GRIFFIN: I hope so.

MORGAN: You could see the terror in his eyes.

GRIFFIN: Good. I'm there to instill it. I take that job way too seriously. I think of all kinds of fun and exciting ways to make him sweat. And I'm very flattered that he says he sweats more with me that night than in any war zone. Because I'm a pretty lady and I want to apologize.

MORGAN: Do you worry about being taken seriously?

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: Are you going to fill in the gap, or am I?

(LAUGHTER)

MORGAN: Sit down.

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: What are you doing?

GRIFFIN: I'm going to climb over the table.

MORGAN: Oh my god. What's going on? Can you -- what are you -- oh my good god. What is happening here?

GRIFFIN: That's called a commercial bumper. You're going to use that all weekend.

MORGAN: Actually it's quite enjoyable.

GRIFFIN: Of course. It's me. Show some respect. I'm a lady, what were you saying?

MORGAN: Where are you taking this? Are we going to be de-robing as the show goes on?

GRIFFIN: I have no issue with that. I mean are you kidding? That's my dream. I saw you showing very foxy bikini shots of myself.

MORGAN: They were very foxy.

GRIFFIN: When I hosted a VH1 special.

MORGAN: If you don't mind me saying, you're a very attractive lady.

GRIFFIN: I don't mind at all. Keep -- let's go on that track. Enough with the economy. Let's talk about how attractive I am. The stock market will be fine. It will rebound.

MORGAN: Do you dream wistfully of being fired in totally (INAUDIBLE) and disgrace one day?

GRIFFIN: Yes.

MORGAN: Becoming unemployable?

GRIFFIN: Absolutely.

MORGAN: Simply too outrageous for American --

GRIFFIN: No. Are you kidding, I live to work. I love to work. I love doing standup. I love doing "My Life on the D-List." I'm proud of the show, I stand by the show. And you know, I mean, this is silly, but like the Emmy is a big deal. You know? This is my little show that could. Six seasons. We did everything from (INAUDIBLE) performed in Iraq in a war zone.

MORGAN: Why if you love it so much is it not on air anymore?

GRIFFIN: Well, I think because -- you know, when I started doing my show, reality was in a really different place. You know? So on my show, I -- you know, this year, I had a March in Freedom Plaza in D.C. to help repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and performed at Walter Reed. And I even -- you know, we tackled some sort of semiserious issues always with a wink.

And then a lot of just really, really silly stuff. And now the reality shows that I love to watch, that's not really what I do. So on my show you're not really going to see my 91-year-old alcoholic mother flip a table. I mean it'd be fun and I can put the mumu on her and give her a box of wine, but you're not going to see us like actually, you know, fist-fighting and stuff like that. Although I will be watching "Jersey Shore." Don't get me wrong.

(LAUGHTER)

MORGAN: Well, look, (INAUDIBLE) about your parents. I want to talk to you about your parents when we come back.

GRIFFIN: OK.

MORGAN: Because they've been a big formative part of your comedic life. Can you please stay in your chair?

GRIFFIN: Why can't -- why?

MORGAN: Just try and control yourself.

GRIFFIN: Always with the rules. Mr. Rules.

MORGAN: I know I'm irresistible but this is really uncomfortable.

GRIFFIN: I'm only human, Piers.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MORGAN: Back now with my interesting guest, Kathy Griffin.

GRIFFIN: Really? Interesting? That's the best adjective you can come up with?

MORGAN: Well, the Twitter-sphere is going rather crazy about your performance so far. I'll read you one out from gaygolden5. "Kathy Griffin on the economy climbs on desk to kiss Piers. Most awkward Piers Morgan show ever."

GRIFFIN: Right. Give it up, people. Come on.

MORGAN: And you've only been on 10 minutes.

GRIFFIN: I know.

MORGAN: Congratulations. Now we've had some Morgan shows.

GRIFFIN: Well, I say we do the rest of the show bottomless. Because anyone can do topless. That's so last week. With the glass table, I mean it's limitless.

MORGAN: You are dangerous for any CNN host.

GRIFFIN: I'm dangerous with you right now.

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: And every -- CNN fires you every year.

GRIFFIN: Yes, every year I get fired.

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: And clear back like some terrible slug to get us all back into trouble.

GRIFFIN: Thank you. I am a terrible slug that (INAUDIBLE) every New Year trying to make people laugh. And that's a bumper sticker that I'm going to put on my Prius. I don't have a Prius.

MORGAN: Now I heard you had a bit of a foxy dinner last night.

GRIFFIN: You know, I -- OK, so I have A-list moments in my life.

MORGAN: Hang on. The (INAUDIBLE), you had dinner last night, a private dinner party with Jack Nicholson, Jon Hamm, Steve Martin -- GRIFFIN: Well, Jon Hamm isn't a real celebrity.

MORGAN: He's the biggest movie heartthrob out there.

GRIFFIN: Whatever.

MORGAN: Biggest movie heartthrob.

GRIFFIN: All right, who else?

MORGAN: Steve Martin.

GRIFFIN: Yes.

MORGAN: Funniest guy. Lord Michaels. Most brilliant producer and Jack Nicholson, my god, when it comes to movies. I mean literally.

GRIFFIN: No, he really is. He's a legend.

MORGAN: Is he as fun at a private dinner party as I would hope he is?

GRIFFIN: Yes. Meaning he has moment where he is, you know, kind of nutty and then super intelligent and then funny. You know it was the full package. It was definitely a pinch-myself moment.

MORGAN: Did you -- did you give him a lap dance?

GRIFFIN: Yes. And he gave me one and then it was 3:00 in the morning and there's --

MORGAN: This is the problem with you, is it?

(CROSSTALK)

MORGAN: You put yourself around too much. Jack Nicholson last night, me tonight --

GRIFFIN: You're in good company.

MORGAN: Bit of a brazen hussy, aren't you?

GRIFFIN: Yes. Actually, we were discussing about how in the world of social media, what kind of photo would get out there that could get you in trouble. In my case, there's no such thing. Meaning, there's nothing I could say that wouldn't frankly help my business.

There's no photo that could be out there -- I could be doing anything inappropriate with you or anyone you know, and it would only boost sales.

MORGAN: But you already have done. You've already been seen on this show tonight lap dancing me and straddling the desk to kiss me.

GRIFFIN: I know. But I'm still dressed.

MORGAN: We're still on air miraculously. GRIFFIN: Let's see what we can do about that.

MORGAN: What did Jack Nicholson think would be a terrible social network moment?

GRIFFIN: First of all, like he knows who you are. That's my start.

MORGAN: Of course he knows who I am.

GRIFFIN: Really?

MORGAN: Doesn't he?

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: Did he talk about me?

GRIFFIN: Not once.

MORGAN: Really?

GRIFFIN: Hold on. Show biz shocker, let's get Nancy Grace. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let's get Jane Velez-Mitchell in here and solve this case. Do you watch HLN, because they're getting better numbers than you at this point?

MORGAN: Actually, they've luckily gone back since the trial ended.

MORGAN: That's great. It's your parent company --

MORGAN: Trust me, we noticed. Yeah, it was killing us.

GRIFFIN: Did you cover Casey Anthony?

MORGAN: A little bit. I felt uncomfortable about it. It's an interesting discussion, because when I saw the people all fighting each other in the queues to get into the trial every day -- in Britain, as I kept saying when we covered it, we don't have cameras in courtrooms. So you don't get this kind of -- this is some form of reality television thing.

And I felt uncomfortable about the whole thing, actually.

GRIFFIN: Well, as a comedian, it's actually very odd, because when I do my shows, people want to hear about Casey, because it's -- she's such a water cooler discussion. When I do my material on her, then the audience gets quiet and uncomfortable.

So at first they're excited like, yeah, everybody's thinking about Casey. That was so messed up. But then when I start making jokes about her and calling her the hot mom, then it gets awkward.

MORGAN: Does it? They don't like that?

GRIFFIN: You don't think hot mom is funny? I think it's hysterical.

MORGAN: It is funny.

GRIFFIN: Because Nancy calls her Tot Mom.

MORGAN: You have to say it in Nancy's voice.

GRIFFIN: Last time I checked, so called Hot Mom fled in a disguise --

(CROSS TALK)

GRIFFIN: Hot Mom, let's unleash the lawyers.

MORGAN: I love Nancy Grace.

GRIFFIN: Who doesn't? You can't be human and not love Nancy.

MORGAN: I interviewed her on the show and she was surprisingly emotional.

GRIFFIN: Really? Surprisingly emotional? She cries every night on her show talking about her twins.

MORGAN: I know that.

GRIFFIN: My twins. Where are the twins?

MORGAN: I think she's a force for good.

GRIFFIN: She's awesome.

MORGAN: Don't you think?

GRIFFIN: Yes, of course. I've been watching her for years. I don't need Casey. I'll watch Nancy in any event. Her book was called "Death on the D List." So I am assuming she wants me dead like everyone else does, apparently, according to you.

MORGAN: Tell me about your parents and the role they played with --

GRIFFIN: My father is no longer with us. He died a couple of years ago, yes. But the great thing is that when my dad was on "My Life on the D List," he really was portrayed the way he really was. So when people come up to me and they say, I feel like I knew your dad, I say you did. He was just like that.

And my mom is a true natural. The other night, we went to the --

MORGAN: How old is she now?

GRIFFIN: Ninety one. She could drink you under this glass table. She would have climbed over here and finished the job.

(CROSS TALK)

GRIFFIN: Hundred percent bunch of drunken Micks. That's all my peeps.

MORGAN: I'm Irish.

GRIFFIN: What? And you're admitting it?

MORGAN: Yes.

GRIFFIN: There goes the neighborhood. Yes, I was raised Irish Catholic. The Catholic part didn't really stick. They really tried. Those nuns, they tried. And the Irish -- 100 percent Irish both sides. What town are you from?

MORGAN: I'm from Offuly (ph), is where my family eventually ended up.

GRIFFIN: It sounds like you made that up.

Fact check, is there a fact check department?

MORGAN: It's a place called Banahurn Offuly (ph), which is about an hour from Dublin.

GRIFFIN: My parents are from Carey (ph) and Cork (ph).

MORGAN: Really?

GRIFFIN: Yes. No, I'm going to make that up because it's shocking.

MORGAN: We're kindred spirits.

GRIFFIN: I'll be over that table in two seconds. you have no idea. I'm just getting warmed up. Let me stretch. I'm doing some lunges and I'll see you in a minute.

MORGAN: Do you feel Irish?

GRIFFIN: I do when I watch "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding." Have you seen this show? Don't act like -- exactly, see, you're only human. So those are my people. When I was a kid, we just called them conmen or travelers. Now they're on a television show.

MORGAN: They are. They're superstars.

GRIFFIN: They wear the hoop skirts like "Gone With the Wind." I love it.

MORGAN: We're going to have a break and come back and talk to you about --

GRIFFIN: How can we top this conversation?

MORGAN: We can beat this because we're going to talk about your plastic surgery.

GRIFFIN: What about yours?

MORGAN: I haven't had any.

(CROSS TALK) MORGAN: Aux natural, as the good lord intended.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GRIFFIN: I like to have a brow lift once or twice a year, where they just take my eyebrows and put them on a totally different part of my head. And after that, I look weeks younger.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

MORGAN: That's from your series "My Life on the D List."

GRIFFIN: actually, that was from one of my standup specials. Your research is dazzling to me, honestly.

MORGAN: I've never actually watched "My Life on the D List."

GRIFFIN: No, I know. It's perfect that you're on a news network.

MORGAN: Now no one is ever going to watch it again. .

GRIFFIN: What are you talking about? It's on every day on Bravo. Emmy nominee. Reformed in a prison.

MORGAN: Tell me, how much plastic surgery have you had?

GRIFFIN: You want to go down the list?

MORGAN: Yes, please.

GRIFFIN: First of all, I haven't had anything done in several year. So I am kind of rethinking the whole thing, because I thought it would change my life and make me happier.

MORGAN: Did it?

GRIFFIN: No. They don't tell you that when they're taking a Sharpie and putting markings on your face, which you're doing emotionally right now. So let's see. I don't know. I did a whole article for "People Magazine" about it in like 1999 or something like that.

But I had a facelift and brow lift. Here's the bottom line. The only things that are real are the boobs and, I don't know, my lips. I had stuff lifted and then it just sort of fell back again.

MORGAN: How much have you spent in total on resculpting?

GRIFFIN: Probably -- this is so sick, but the first time I had it all done, I did like a trade out which is really one of my best whore moments ever. I have had some good whore moments, some tonight. But this one I actually had at a medical facility.

So I did like a trade out, which is really not what I recommend. But I don't know -- MORGAN: What do you mean a trade out?

GRIFFIN: What I mean is I went to a doctor who said, OK, if "People Magazine" and "Entertainment Tonight" cover it, I'll comp it. Yes. You can take that in for a minute. Take that in. I'm basically a white slave for myself. I'm my own pimp and ho at the same time.

MORGAN: What did you hope would happen to you?

GRIFFIN: I was supposed to be Jennifer Anniston. That was the deal. That was the deal. I was supposed to wake up and be Scarlet Johansson. That was the deal, in my mind.

MORGAN: What went wrong?

GRIFFIN: It's just -- it just doesn't really do anything. So I had stuff lifted and I had stitches in my head like Frankenstein. Everything but a bolt in my neck. And I had liposuction which went bad and I had to go to the hospital. I didn't know you could just run.

MORGAN: You had the Lasik eye surgery.

GRIFFIN: Yes, that was a real problem.

MORGAN: I had that. I had it 10 years ago, never had a problem. Best thing I ever did in my life.

GRIFFIN: Did you go to Dr. Robert Maloney?

MORGAN: I didn't.

GRIFFIN: OK, well I did.

MORGAN: Any guy called Baloney is going to be a problem.

GRIFFIN: Maloney. But I -- it didn't work for me. I had four corrective surgeries after that. I had a condition called Epithelial Fell in Growth (ph). But that wasn't a cosmetic thing. That was to correct my vision.

But I will tell you, that's definitely the worst horror story I have as far as any kind of procedure of any kind. And that was bad news because my eye is permanently damaged.

(CROSS TALK)

GRIFFIN: I would be suspicious of that when you say the word most. I'd be suspicious that most people don't have problems with Lasik. That was my experience. Yes

MORGAN: Well, you're looking at one. Ten year, never had a problem.

GRIFFIN: Good you. Well, why don't you and Pfizer just go --

MORGAN: Don't say it. Don't get me air off too. GRIFFIN: By the way, Pfizer was random. I actually have nothing against Pfizer. Let's stop the hate Tweets right now. I'm already busy --

MORGAN: Do you like being engaged in Twitter?

GRIFFIN: I love Twitter.

MORGAN: How do you deal with the fury that you get?

GRIFFIN: Oh, I love it. I don't know if you do this, but every so often, I'll just write something so rude back to one of the haters, and then it just blows up. I love it.

But I do actually get some really -- I hate to say this, but amusing death threats.

MORGAN: Amusing death threat.

GRIFFIN: Some of them are just so over the top. And they often will do a thing where -- I call it cc-ing, but they'll include like Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann or something. They're always from like JesusLovesYou123. There's one guy that wants to shoot me down all the way to hell.

So he wants to actually shoot me as the Earth parts, and then I go all the way down like James Franco in "127 Hours." And then I get to my corner booth in hell, where I think I'm going to see you, frankly, call the maitre di, garcon, and then he's still shooting, but the bullets melt, because I'm in hell.

I thought this all through.

MORGAN: Do you like the engagement on Twitter with people?

GRIFFIN: No, I like that you don't engage. I don't do Facebook at all. Or as my mother calls it, Faceplace. That scares me. I have friends that have broken up because of a status update, all that stuff. But Twitter I like, because I can just put out a joke, or talk about being on this show and say, everybody, I'm on John King Live, or whatever your name is.

The point is I'm saying positive things about you, Ali Velshi. And then I get to watch the responses. I read every one of them. And many of them make me laugh out loud.

MORGAN: Twitter right now is going completely nuts about your behavior.

GRIFFIN: You mean, people @KathyGriffin and @PiersMorgan?

MORGAN: Yes.

GRIFFIN: By the way, when I greet friends, I don't say hello anymore. I just say at. Hello @SharonOsborne. I don't really need to talk to people anymore. I just talk to Twitter. MORGAN: You're right. You end up talking to other celebrities purely through Twitter.

GRIFFIN: Cher Tweets me in the middle of the night. And it's hysterical. She yells at me through Twitter. I had to finally call her and say you can just yell at me through texting. Or you can just come over and yell at me, or I can go to your house and you can yell at me. Cher has great Tweets.

MORGAN: Does she?

GRIFFIN: Yes, she's a good one.

MORGAN: Can you get her to Tweet me in the middle of the night?

GRIFFIN: No, you're not big enough. Good luck. You're on the way there. It's good. No, I love that you slept your way to the middle. That's great. That's working out great for you.

Cher's so not going to know who you are. If you were on C-Span, she would know. . MORGAN: Of course Cher knows who I am.

GRIFFIN: What world do you live in?

(CROSS TALK)

MORGAN: If I keep saying it long enough and hard enough --

GRIFFIN: You're acting as if.

MORGAN: Yes, why not. Jack Nicholson could think of nothing better right now than coming on my show.

GRIFFIN: You're not going to let that go. You're like a dog with a bone.

MORGAN: He hasn't done a TV interview in 35 years.

GRIFFIN: He's not doing this show.

MORGAN: Yes, he is.

GRIFFIN: Really? Excuse me, hey, crazy pants.

MORGAN: I believe firmly, if you say it often enough, loudly enough, they happen.

GRIFFIN: Really, Oprah? All right, if you're going to do a secret, let me know. How terrified were you on Oprah? You looked like you had diarrhea in your diaper that whole night. By the way, I would too

MORGAN: I was actually slightly in awe of her. I don't mind admitting that.

GRIFFIN: Duh. It was obvious. MORGAN: She's like a goddess.

GRIFFIN: How many times have you been properly in love. Because honestly, I have been waiting long enough --

MORGAN: You've been watching the show.

GRIFFIN: I watch it every night.

MORGAN: Do you?

GRIFFIN: Every night. What about when you had Ryan and Tatum O'Neill but separate hours.

MORGAN: Yes.

GRIFFIN: I thought he was going to --

MORGAN: Here's the story for you. I stayed at Sharon Osborne's Malibu Beach house last weekend. And Ryan O'Neill has the house next door. He was playing Frisbee with his dog on the beach, and he told me because of that double interview, they now got back talking and things are moving in the right direction.

I was very pleased to hear that.

GRIFFIN: It is so fascinating to me that you are so delusional that you would believe Ryan O'Neill, who I believe was arrested for meth possession, would be playing Frisbee and then -- OK, fine.

The Moon is made of cheese and I have antenna. There. Are we done now?

MORGAN: You are done for about two minutes. We're having a break. When we come back, I want to talk to you about, unsurprisingly, some of your many feuds with people that want to kill you, of which I'm not adding myself.

GRIFFIN: Why does that make me giggle? I can't help it. It makes me giggle.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

MORGAN: And now the moment I've most been looking forward to, the throw to Anderson Cooper, to get a review of his show. Anderson, I have a friend of yours with me tonight who is causing absolute merry hell.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: You guys lost me at epithelia eye surgery. I mean --

GRIFFIN: Anderson, get me off. This is a nightmare, seriously. Thank God this show is taped and it's not going to air.

COOPER: No please, tell me more about your guys' eye problems. What?

GRIFFIN: You mean my botched laser surgery?

COOPER: I love that you made a deal with a doctor for plastic surgery.

GRIFFIN: Yeah, it's called comps. Try it.

COOPER: Yeah, I'll have the bargain pack.

GRIFFIN: What can I get? Who has got some extra botox laying around with the Cheerios.

COOPER: Did you have to mention the doctor's name in interviews?

GRIFFIN: Yeah, of course.

Piers isn't wearing pants, just so you know.

GRIFFIN: There's nothing new about that.

MORGAN: She's straddled the desk twice so far. I don't know how you do that New Years Eve thing, seriously.

GRIFFIN: Piers thinks he's famous. It's super awkward.

COOPER: I know. It's funny, isn't it?

(CROSS TALK)

GRIFFIN: -- Jack Nicholson is begging to be on the show.

MORGAN: By the way, Anderson, involving our Twitter feud, where you seem to think you're going to beat me, I'm catching you fast. I'm coming at you.

COOPER: Bring it on. Bring it on is all I have to say. Kathy, --

GRIFFIN: Because everyone knows Twitter has translated into nothing. A million followers after having a show every single night.

MORGAN: I can say as an absolute fact now, I will overtake Anderson Cooper within the next three months in terms of followers on Twitter.

GRIFFIN: Uncomfortable.

COOPER: Uncomfortable.

MORGAN: It's the only yard stick that matters anymore, Anderson.

GRIFFIN: Anderson, don't you have one of those Youtube clips with a dog that talks that we can throw to. Because seriously, somebody has got to save me. This guy is a nightmare.

MORGAN: OK, enough of this.

(NEWS BREAK)

MORGAN: All sounds boring to me, Anderson.

GRIFFIN: I think piers is on the ridiculous. Miss you. Smooches.

MORGAN: Thanks, Anderson. Kathy --

GRIFFIN: I always love that moment where he has to go from B.S.ing with us to a serious role. That's so uncomfortable. How does this work?

MORGAN: You're still live on air. What are you doing?

GRIFFIN: I don't know. I thought it would be time to take the mike off.

MORGAN: Well, can you just do this in a more discreet manner rather than revealing all the -- we're still conducting an interview, live on television.

GRIFFIN: I'm sorry. I thought Jack Nicholson was in the parking garage.

MORGAN: What are you doing? Just leave it alone. This is really awkward.

GRIFFIN: Are you missing Tatum O'Neal.

MORGAN: I'm missing anybody right now. Seriously, an empty chair would be an improvement.

GRIFFIN: You're making me fall properly in love with you. I mean it.

MORGAN: How many times have you been properly in love?

GRIFFIN: Oh, you did not -- I'll throw this mike pack at your --

MORGAN: Do what you like. I'm still asking you the question.

GRIFFIN: OK. I don't know. Several.

MORGAN: How many?

GRIFFIN: I've never counted. Like how many guys have I slept with?

MORGAN: Yeah.

GRIFFIN: How many digits would make you happy?

MORGAN: As many as are truthful. Let's keep it honest.

GRIFFIN: What are you stealing Anderson's -- are you going from the ridiculous and the shot of the day next, for God's sake? I'm a virgin. I'm waiting for the right person.

There's a bunch.

MORGAN: If you could be trapped on a desert island for the rest of your life, right now, with one of your exes, who would it be?

GRIFFIN: You. See, people don't know that. Guess what, tonight's the night. That's how I'm going to get you fired. What if I had a super-weird, freaky porn tape with you. And I was like surprise. And you had a clown mask on.

MORGAN: I might be tempted.

GRIFFIN: Look, we're going to create a Youtube moment if it's the last thing you do. I do. I'm sorry.

MORGAN: Are you single at the moment?

GRIFFIN: I'm single, but I'm dating.

MORGAN: Who are you dating?

GRIFFIN: Guys that ask me.

MORGAN: Any in particular?

GRIFFIN: The ones who I happen to be home when they call. No. You know, I like dating. I think a lot of women give dating a bad rap. I like it. It's a chance to get to know somebody new.

MORGAN: I can't even imagine going on a date with you.

GRIFFIN: It's a nightmare, right?

MORGAN: Seriously. How do they go?

GRIFFIN: Well, I'm super-excited when a guy picks up the tab and has a job. It hasn't happened. But a girl can dream.

MORGAN: You're basically shockingly materialistic.

GRIFFIN: Yes. No. Me? Are you kidding? No.

MORGAN: Are you or not?

GRIFFIN: I'm happy for a good lay and a pizza and a smile. Sorry, morals, values and a -- I don't know. Just want somebody to laugh with.

MORGAN: Would you like to get married again?

GRIFFIN: No.

MORGAN: Why?

GRIFFIN: Did that. There's no reason for me to get married. If I have one egg left, I'm going to fry it and throw it at your head. I don't want to have kids. I --

MORGAN: Why?

GRIFFIN: I have a special needs child. It's called my career. And I raise her every, single day. And she's ornery and difficult.

But, no, I'm just not really -- you know? I'm not into the kids.

MORGAN: How do you see your life panning out?

GRIFFIN: Well, after this, it's in the crapper because of this. No, I love to do what -- it was fun when you had that show on CNN, wasn't it?

MORGAN: Loved it. I'll dream wistfully of it.

GRIFFIN: I love doing what I do. So I love continuing to do standup. I am doing four specials for Bravo in one year. None of your guests ever will say that, except me. Never been done, four hour specials, all new material, in one year.

I love doing standup. I'm on a show called "Drop Dead Diva." And I'm very excited about the whole Emmy pomp and circumstance. Now do you go to the Emmy's or are you too high and mighty?

MORGAN: No, I went to the Emmy's last year. I loved it.

GRIFFIN: Right. It's exciting, right? Who is doing your dress?

MORGAN: I haven't decided yet.

GRIFFIN: Oscar? Carolina? I love the whole thing. I take it very seriously. I'm very proud to be in that company. I'm shocked that I'm in that company. And it never gets old.

MORGAN: Didn't I see you standing outside one of the pre-Emmy parties last time trying to meet people?

GRIFFIN: No. I bring my Emmy.

MORGAN: Yes?

GRIFFIN: I'm the greeter at the --

MORGAN: You were just randomly standing there saying hello to everybody.

GRIFFIN: Yes, I do. I bring my Emmys every year to this very, very fantasy A-list party called the Night Before. It's not appropriate. There's no press there. And I just do it to see who has a sense of humor.

I stand outside this party holding my Emmys. And I say to every celebrity, no matter how famous they are, would you like a photo with a real Emmy. I'm -- half of them laugh and half of them go, oh, I don't know her. And half of them are guys I slept with, going, don't know her.

Every year I do it. And I don't know Jeffrey Katzenberg.

MORGAN: I was laughing when I saw you. GRIFFIN: Did you enjoy it?

MORGAN: Yes, it was funny. You just jumped me out of nowhere and said would you like to be photographed with an Emmy. I know, they're all jumping me.

GRIFFIN: We probably have a picture of us together with my Emmys.

MORGAN: Not a good thought.

GRIFFIN: We need a third one.

MORGAN: Hold the thought. I want to talk to you after this break about --

GRIFFIN: You don't know what I'm going to hold. My hot little hands, Morgie. Let's go. Get this party started.

GRIFFIN: Why am I now really nervous about the last five minutes?

MORGAN: Because you're going to check your Twitter. You're going to freak out. You're going to read all the responses and get nervous. And I'm going to watch with glee. The show was on once.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hey. That is my almond milk.

GRIFFIN: Well, I guess that makes you Terry.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Are you going to replace what you drank? It's organic.

GRIFFIN: Oh, well, I would tell you to have your assistant buy you another carton, but I can tell by your shoes that you are the assistant.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

MORGAN: Your guest starring role in "Drop Dead Diva" on Lifetime, August the 14th, with another controversial comedienne, Margaret Cho. Friend of yours?

GRIFFIN: Old pal of mine, absolutely.

MORGANS: Rival?

GRIFFIN: Not at all. In fact, she was there the first night ever did standup. I had a couple of friends tell me early on that said, do your thing. I'm not really a one-liner person. I do these --

MORGAN: If you had to choose a one-liner to be your last line on Earth, what would it be? GRIFFIN: Suck it. Everybody suck it. I'd be out. That's like my version of Seacrest out. Remember when he used to say that? Seacrest out. Do you have one of those? What do you say at the end of the show? You say, thank you, God.

MORGAN: No, I normally have to look in the camera and say -- it's a horrible thing to have to say every night. Now, Anderson Cooper.

GRIFFIN: Would you like me to help you?

MORGAN: You can do it tonight. Would you like to do the tease to Anderson?

GRIFFIN: I insist. It's in my rider.

MORGAN: In that case, you have to just look straight ahead into the camera and say whatever you want to say to Anderson because we have 30 seconds left.

GRIFFIN: OK.

MORGAN: You can see this chaotic, probably career-ending show out.

GRIFFIN: Perfect.

MORGAN: Off you go.

GRIFFIN: Anderson, it's me, Kathy Griffin. This has been a fantastic and final episode of PIERS MORGAN TONIGHT. Let's see what you have in your slate tonight. Thank you. And take it away, Sanjay.

MORGAN: That's is us for tonight.

COOPER: I'm here with Ali Velshi, Kathy. You'll be excited.

GRIFFIN: Give him a lap dance for me.

MORGAN: Take it away.

COOPER: Maybe in segment two.

Piers, thanks very much. Kathy, thanks, I think.