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Online Porn Addiction; Jilted Groom Sues
Aired June 6, 2012 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DR. DREW PINSKY, HOST: Here we go.
Now, parents, listen up. It`s an old drug, but perhaps a new addiction. I`m talking about online pornography.
Is your teen hooked? What are the warning signs? And could porn destroy your relationship?
Call now to discuss, 1-855-DRDREW5.
And later, what is the worse way you have ever been dumped? I`m speaking to a woman who left the man at the altar. She returned the ring. But he`s suing for thousands more. Should he get it?
Let`s get started.
PINSKY: It is Wednesday and, of course, we dedicate Wednesdays to sex and relationships. Sex and relationship Wednesday.
Good evening and welcome.
Now, the new drug of choice for some teenagers is online pornography. It is more accessible than ever. Having a computer in there in their room for some kids is like having a crack pipe sitting right on their desk.
Why are so many children watching online pornography?
Parents, do you know the warning signs if your child is getting involved with this? Porn addiction, you got to understand, is in the same category as drugs or gambling and it needs to be taken very seriously.
Joining me, two teens who work with an organization called fightthenewdrug.org. I`ve got Breanne Saldivar, a young girl who is addicted to online pornography. And Seth Jenks, a recovering porn addict.
Brianna, tell us your story.
What happened? Uh-oh. I can`t hear you.
BREANNE SALDIVAR, RECOVERING ONLINE PORN ADDICT: Hello?
PINSKY: Go ahead, Breanne, right now.
SALDIVAR: OK. I`m sorry about that. What happened, well, it was something that started at a very young age and it was something that I had no idea the repercussions of it, and like you say, it was something that was just for fun in the beginning.
It was just out of curiosity in the beginning and it quickly escalated and turned into something that was more than just fun and games. It became something that was monstrous. It was in a much -- a much more difficult -- much more difficult way of dealing with it. So --
PINSKY: Seth, I want to ask you, just as consuming for you, I imagine?
SETH JENKS, RECOVERING ONLINE PORN ADDICT: Yes, absolutely. I think it -- it interfered with almost every aspect of my life.
PINSKY: Is there anything your parents could have tuned in to that would have tipped them off this was going on?
JENKS: I think so. I mean, there are a lot of changes that happen during adolescence. I was pretty involved with sports and that type of thing, and I wasn`t home all that much, but oftentimes when I would get into pornography, I`d be more moody, if that`s possible, than -- than teenagers can be. I`d be higher highs and lower lows.
PINSKY: All right. Let`s take calls, see what people have to say about this.
I`ve got up, first up, Tim in California -- Tim.
TIM, CALLER FROM CALIFORNIA: Hey, Dr. Drew. How you doing?
PINSKY: I`m good, Tim. Thanks for calling in.
TIM: You know, I`ve been dealing with pornography for a long time, since I was a young man, and I was just wondering, is there any place I can get help or, you know, talk to somebody about dealing with this?
PINSKY: Yes, that`s a great question. Tim, Seth is shaking -- both Seth and Breanne are shaking their heads vigorously.
Let me just point out that there are some physicians that believe that online pornography addiction is the most rapidly increasing diagnostic category of any mental health category in this country right now. These two young people are just examples of how it`s infiltrating and infecting the youth.
Seth, maybe you want to address Tim`s question. What sort of help is out there?
JENKS: Actually, there is more help out there than I think there ever has been, with the prevalence of online pornography, there are a lot of issues. So, one of the reasons that we started fight the new drug was to get youth involved, but there are a lot of programs for adults as well.
My favorite, the one that I think has helped me the most is a program called Kendayo (ph). It`s an online resource where you can go and do it strictly online. It`s been very helpful for me, as well as getting help with professionals in person.
PINSKY: All right. Let`s go to another call.
Marcia in Washington -- Marcia.
MARCIA, CALLER FROM WASHINGTON: Hi, Dr. Drew. Good to talk to you.
PINSKY: Thank you.
MARCIA: I am another one that is living proof that porn -- online porn and porn movies can screw up your mind, because, you know, without porn, I was never thought about bondage. I had fantasies about being raped, because I`m a sex addict, too. Because of sex issues, I`m trying to wait until marriage the next time.
So, I have in my mind, if somebody tries to, quote, "rape me" then I`m not guilty of anything, because I`m not asking for it.
PINSKY: Yes, Marcia, it`s a common and mixed up sort of fantasy.
And, Breanne, I`m going to have you comment on this in a second. That one thing happens when somebody is raped, there`s this crazy paradoxical thing that happens is women become hyper sexual after a rape. They sometimes will become act out with multiple partners after a rape, and not understand why they`re doing it and feel very guilty and confused about it. And by the same token, if it was violent and felt out of control, that becomes one of the fantasies of the focus of the re-enactments.
Breanne, now, did you -- two questions for you, Breanne. A, I imagine you must have had some trauma most women who develop sex addiction do have trauma. You can tell us about that or not, it`s up to you. My bigger question is how courageous you have to be as a woman to step up, because there is so much shame and embarrassment with this associated for women.
SALDIVAR: Right, right. And I just want to reach out to the caller, who is another female who courageously picked up the phone to call in.
This is an issue that is not a pleasant one for most women. It`s a very shameful one. It`s a very hurtful one to go down this path to really expose yourself, because I think for men, we sort of dismiss it as boys will be boys, and it`s just men doing whatever. And we like to dismiss it as that.
But the reality is, it`s not. It`s like any other addiction. It doesn`t discriminate. It doesn`t choose its victims.
It runs rampant and that includes females. And so, yes, have you a lot of very hurt women out there, who -- who have been hurt sexually and are now seeking more sexual highs, so to speak. They are looking to sort of put a Band-Aid on something that really needs more attention than just the Band-Aid.
PINSKY: Let me go quickly to Tina in California. Tina, what do you got?
TINA, CALLER FROM TINA: Hi, Dr. Drew. This month, my 17 1/2-year-old child left my custody. He`s addicted to the computer.
I tried to go to the school district, do everything as a parent, limit the computer access., addicted to Facebook. And if you click on the square tags, on Facebook, there is so much sexual pornographic content that it makes you ill. There is nothing short that you can do.
And I just want your advice. I feel like I lost my child now because he booked it out of my home because he didn`t want to follow the rules. He`s so addicted to it, and it`s broken us.
PINSKY: Wow, Tina, that`s a very -- someone, I think someone in the control room told me, did you say you guys want to show the sites that are being -- is that the control room told me? OK.
Breanne, I have a question. I will let you answer that question, Breanne.
People would turn their mikes off in the control room so I can concentrate here. Thank you.
What she`s talking about is not just porn addiction, but something we call process addiction, which is the addiction to all of these online kinds of arousing phenomenon, just being lost in the Internet and social networking, but usually ends up in porn, doesn`t it? Breanne?
PINSKY: Uh-oh, Brianne can`t hear me. We`re having all kinds of technical problems here.
Here is what I want to do -- I want to hold Tina. Brianne, you stay there with me. Tina, stay with me because I want to answer your question. We haven`t answered it yet.
So, we`re going to get right to that, and more of your calls. Again, call us at 855-DRDREW5, 373-7395. I want to keep talking about this issue.
I`m also going to bring a woman in in a little while who dates younger men and she has some observations about men and how pornography has affected them.
Stay with us.
PINSKY: Welcome back to sex and relationship Wednesdays, as we like to call this. I want to finish Tina`s question first. We`re talking about online porn and how it affects relationships.
Scientists at the University of Florida discovered that women who say their boyfriends or husbands look at online porn tend it be less happy in their relationships than women whose men said they just occasionally look at it.
Joining alongside with me now is "Loveline" co-host Simone Bienne, and the founder of makelovenotporn.com, Cindy Gallup.
Now, Cindy, before I go to you -- thanks to Cindy for joining us -- before I go to you, though, I want to talk to Breanne. I want to talk to Tina.
Now, Tina, your question was: how do I get my son back into the house and contain his impulses? I`m not clear what your question was exactly?
TINA: No, no. He`s 17 1/2 years old. What it was -- he just ended up getting addicted to the computer overall.
TINA: I`ve had him in family therapy, gone to the school. I went even to the police department as porn was coming to my Internet address automatically.
PINSKY: Got it. Got it.
TINA: These Facebook tags are so concerning as a parent. There`s hopelessness, Dr. Drew. There`s only so much we can control.
TINA: And even putting parental controls, these kids are smarter than us. They can bypass them, and what they are seeing is God awful. I`m an adult of 50 years. I can`t believe what`s coming across the social networks.
PINSKY: OK. Let`s go to Breanne, who has been through this, who understands recovery.
Breanne, I want to commend you for how courageous and clear you are you are a great guest. And you represent the recovery from this problem so well.
What is a mom like that do? What does Tina do?
Oh, now we have that technical problem again. Can you hear me? Breanne? Oh, shoot.
Now we can`t hear her.
Well, all right, Tina, here is my suggestion. Unfortunately -- well, hopefully -- technical problems tonight drive me insane. But it`s the nature of live television.
Tina, here is the deal. There`s -- with process addiction which is more than pornography addiction, first is to get a psychiatric evaluation. Have you had him evaluated by a psychiatrist? I don`t have Tina either apparently.
So, let me continue. Tina, what you do is you get the evaluation by a psychiatrist first. You make sure there aren`t psychiatric concomitant disorders. Then you go and have the sexual addiction looked at.
Usually, there is some sort of trauma history that triggers the sexual addiction. There`s a great Web site, sash.org -- sash.net. And you get resources there, and you can take screening instruments and educate him through that Web site.
But ultimately this really requires professional intervention, and he has to -- it`s like any addiction, they have to be willing to participate with you and sometimes it requires very aggressive sorts of interventions.
Breanne, are you hearing me yet? Are you still --
SALDIVAR: Yes. I`m here now.
PINSKY: We`ll give you a chance to answer this and what you think she ought to do.
SALDIVAR: OK, yes. You cut out for a little bit. But I was able to tune back in.
I ended up seeking professional help myself. I went to a rehab facility for pornography addiction and it was something that I needed more than anything. I think there needs to be this level of hope that`s there, this understanding. You know, if your son leaves your house, or if things -- if your marriage falls apart, know that there is hope that you can get help, that you can change things, that you can take something that`s really ugly and awful right now and turn it around.
You know, I joined fight the new drug and I`ve been helping them out and doing a lot of awesome things with them, and I love the work they do, and that`s why I do it. But to know there is hope that, this isn`t a hopeless case. You can seek hope. You can find not only professional help, but there are support groups, there are Web sites, there are fight the new drug offers stuff as well.
PINSKY: All right. There you go. Fight the new drug. Thank you, Breanne. Appreciate it.
We`re going to switch gears and I want to go to now first to my co- host Simone.
Simone, this is a common topic for us, sexual addiction, porn addiction, something that`s sort of becoming unfortunately, increasingly common.
Cindy Gallup, you have been observing younger men for a while, I guess, and the effects that pornography has had upon them. Can you giver us a little hit of what you`ve seen?
CINDY GALLOP, FOUNDER, MAKELOVENOTPORN.COM: Sure. I should explain, by the way, that this issue that would never have crossed my mind if I had not encountered it personally. So, I happen to date younger men. I tend to date men in their 20s. And that was how I encountered the impact of porn these days, a stand alone default sex education.
So, when I realized this, I launched three years ago, a Web site at makelovenotporn.com that posts the myths of hard core porn and balances them with reality. So, the construct is porn world/real world. This is what happens in the porn world, this is what happens in the real world.
But it`s important to say, Make Love Not Porn is not anti porn. The issue I`m very keen to tackle is not porn, but the complete lack in our society of an open, healthy dialogue around sex and porn, which then allows people to make a real world mind-set to the viewing of what is actually artificial entertainment.
If you boil my entire message for Make Love Not Porn down to one thing, it would be pure and simply, talk about it.
PINSKY: And I know, Simone, you share those same views. It`s similar attitudes. But we`re going to have to take a quick break. I`ve run out of time because of some of these technical problems I`ve been having. We`re going to continue this conversation.
Later on, I`m bringing Kendra Platt-Lee here. She left her man at the altar, she gave the ring back, but he is suing for thousands more. Which side do you come down on?
Call us with that and call us about this particular topic. We`ll continue to have the discussion at 855-DRDREW5. That`s 373-7395.
Back after this.
PINSKY: And welcome back.
I`m joined by my partner Simone Bienne from "Loveline".
Can online pornography in any way help relationships?
SIMONE BIENNE, DR. DREW`S CO-HOST, "LOVELINE": It can to a certain extent. If you have a sleepy libido, you can watch porn together. I would also recommend couples would watch porn that is tolerable for women. That tends to be porn with a cloth, less hardcore, less explicit, but it depends what the people are up to. But anything in moderation.
PINSKY: Right. So, it doesn`t affect real life.
But Simone, you can talk about just any topic and make it sound poetic. Sleepy libido.
Christine in Virginia, you have a question for us?
CHRISTINA, CALLER FROM VIRGINIA: I was actually married to somebody who had a porn addiction for 12 years and ultimately ended my marriage. What I was curious about is something I could never figure out. What is going through your mind when you are making these calls? I mean, what are you feeling when you are in that moment?
PINSKY: Well, when men are seeking online pornographic material, is that what you are asking?
CHRISTINA: Yes, because --
PINSKY: Yes. Mostly they are seeking to disassociate. It`s a way of sort of disconnecting from feelings. It`s -- and again, different people use it differently. But more than anything, it`s a dissociative mechanism. They get sort of lost in it, and they actually time -- they lose track of time and everything when they are so-called on the hunt.
Cindy, any other observations you had about these young men? I`m interested in really what the explicit kinds of consequences have been?
GALLOP: Sure. And I think the real issue is that actually, there is no other outlet to learn about sex than online porn, which is very easily available.
Actually, a lot of overly pornographic sexual behavior is driven by (INAUDIBLE) motives, not the works. People want to find out about sex so they can do it right, and porn is the only place they can go when our society doesn`t talk more about sex more openly.
PINSKY: You guys -- I don`t understand. There`s -- go -- stand in front of the magazine rack, and all I see is women`s magazines with the front pages packed with stuff about sexuality. What do you mean we don`t talk about sex? How is that possible?
BIENNE: I`ve got to say that actually I think porn -- certainly, porn, if you learn about sex from porn, you are going down the wrong road. There are plenty of books, there are plenty of peers to talk to. There`s plenty of good literature out there so that you -- and also videos made by couples talking about how to you know have better sex.
It doesn`t have to be porn, because what you learn about porn, women start seeing sex as something performance related. You don`t know about the emotional side.
What we need to be talking about is sex is a wonderful part of a relationship, but it is part of an emotional aspect. Not just the physical.
PINSKY: Agreed. Agreed.
Sarah in Illinois, what do you have?
SARAH, CALLER FROM ILLINOIS: Hey, Dr. Drew. When I was 10, I was exposed to child pornography on the Internet, by somebody over the Internet.
PINSKY: Oh, my.
SARAH: And I`ve never told anybody about it before, and I don`t know how to get help about it. I`m very empathetic person, I don`t want children, but I am deeply scarred by this.
PINSKY: How has this affected your life now?
SARAH: Well, occasionally and it seems few and far between, I think about how neighbors might be hurting my children in the neighborhood. Children I don`t really associate with, but it just -- it bothers me so much, that I`m actually addicted to opiates now --
PINSKY: OK. Sarah, this is a very complicated situation. Most opiate addicts have serious trauma. So, trauma gets dealt with in the course of opiate addiction.
So, your first order of business is you can`t do the treatment on the opiates. You`ve got to get off the opiates. You got to go to an abstinence based program, I would hope. And then there, they`ll have professionals that deal with trauma because they are really available in competent center that is comprehensively dealing with opiate addiction.
Jay in California -- Jay.
JAY, CALLER FROM CALIFORNIA: Hi, Dr. Drew.
JAY: I actually agree with Cindy when she considered the ramifications of this new addiction on a more wider scale when you consider the fundamental objectification of women in porn and the way it creates imbalances in relationships and in the bedroom in the manner in which men take control and take their needs as a priority in the bedroom and has that a negative effect on most men that do watch porn and as is the case, most men do watch porn.
So, I think on the wider scale, it is becoming more and more prevalent.
PINSKY: I think that`s right. I think -- and also they too -- Simone was mentioning how the women are looking at it as a performance. I think men have no idea with the emotional impact is. They have no idea what a real female human is like.
And, Cindy, I was hoping you would tell us what the specific things are you observed about these young men.
GALLOP: Sure. Bear in mind, by the way, Dr. Drew, that I happen to date utterly lovely young men. I`m very selective about whom I date. And this is just a behavior that is borne of what they learned from.
So, you know, there is a tendency to go straight to the sorts of acts they see in porn, and the issue there is actually, you know, you may want to have the conversation first, find out whether or not your partner does enjoy it. Then, 99.9 percent of all mainstream porn is made by men for men. And so, it`s all about the man.
You know, the entire raison d`etre of any mainstream porn sex scene is to get the men off. So, that`s what men believe, it`s ultimately about their pleasure rather than the woman`s.
PINSKY: OK. Cindy, thank you very much for joining me. Simone, of course, will stay with me a little bit.
And we`re going to talk to a woman who dumped her fiancee twice before the wedding never happened. Now, he`s suing her for thousand of dollars. Should he get that money back? Her side of the story, your opinion, and your worst breakup stories -- 855-373-7395, after the break.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY (voice-over): We`ve all been dumped, right? Well, a New York man says his fiancee dumped him, but they got back together, and she dumped him again. Now, he is suing her for thousands of dollars, but she says he shouldn`t get a dime. She`s here to take your comments and questions, so call us, 1-855-DrDrew5.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY (on-camera): Dumped twice. That`s what Steven Silverstein (ph) says his fiancee did to him. Does he deserve money? Well, he`s seeking some from a lawsuit. Now before you answer, Kendra Platt-Lee is here with her side of the story. And, of course, Simone Bienne is back with me. All right. Kendra, what is he alleging and why did you break it off?
KENDRA PLATT-LEE, BEING SUED BY EX-FIANCE: I broke off the engagement. I just didn`t feel like it was right in my heart. And, everybody deserves to be happy.
PINSKY: OK. So, he`s given you a ring. You guys have laid out a bunch of money for a wedding, right?
PINSKY: And it was a lot of money, right?
PINSKY: And how come he was paying for it? How come you were paying for it?
PLATT-LEE: Well, he wasn`t paying for everything. We did sign a couple of contracts together. I did pay one deposit completely by myself. That was the photography deposit. And then, we both paid for the first deposit for our venue. And we did share that. And then, everything else, he did on his own.
PINSKY: All right. Before we get to your guy`s calls, both about which side you come down on on this particular story, and we want to hear about your sort of worst breakups. We asked his attorney for comment. He didn`t come on, but he gave us an answer to what he`s seeking.
Here it is. This is the breakdown according to his lawsuit. He says that Kendra owes, $19, 269 plus interest what you spent from the checking account, $25,688 for rent, $2,975 for wedding vendors, $13,756 for canceling vendors. Kendra, look all those numbers. I mean, is that stuff you owe or is that stuff that he paid? I mean, what`s he talking about?
PLATT-LEE: Those are the things that he paid, and a couple of, like I said, a couple of the deposits both we shared. And then, there are contracts that he went and signed himself, and contracts that I didn`t even know about.
PINSKY: Simone, help me with this. Are men -- I know you`re such a romantic, and you believe men should all be very chivalrous, but when men lay out a bunch of money. Now, traditionally women play for the wedding and, you know, full disclosure, I paid for a lot of my way. I was happy to do so. If things didn`t work out, are we owed money back?
PINSKY: Come on, Simone.
SIMONE BIENNE, DR. DREW`S CO-HOST, `LOVELINE`: I understand why he`s doing what he`s doing, because he feels jilted, which makes sense.
PINSKY: Twice. Twice she let him down.
PINSKY: The second time he`s angry.
BIENNE: Exactly. So, he is stuck in the anger phase. And what he`s trying to do now is trying to get his --
BIENNE: Revenge. He`s trying to get his money list (ph) back and saying don`t mess with me. He`s hurt. Now, the thing is, with the lawyer, it`s good money after bad, isn`t it? You know, in the sense of how much is he going to be spending to retrieve that money. This isn`t about the money.
This is about callback. This is about making him feel better about himself. And yet, actually, is it going to make him feel better? Who knows? Probably not.
PINSKY: Thank God Kendra is out of this (ph). Let`s take some calls. Donna in Missouri. Donna, what do you got?
DONNA, MISSOURI: Hi. I`m thinking that they should split the deposits down evenly, the past rent, hey, she`s not on the lease, that`s his problem. He needs to pay that. He should have never signed the lease if he couldn`t afford it.
PINSKY: He should have never signed the lease by himself even, is that right?
DONNA: Correct. He shouldn`t have signed it. She shouldn`t have to pay any back rent, but she should pay half of all the deposits made.
PINSKY: Simone, you`re sort of rolling your eyes a bit.
BIENNE: Yes. I just think -- we both have to take responsibility. There are two halves in a relationship, and I think sort of, you know, exposing all of this, it`s -- it`s a total and utter mess. What do you do? And is all this quibbling and I think it`s really great, you coming on, because so many women will identify with what you`re saying and men as well, but where do you go?
Where is this going to end? How are you both going to feel?
PLATT-LEE: Well, I mean, the thing with, you know, the rent and deposits and all of that, this was a household we shared. So, while he may have paid for certain things, I also paid for certain things.
PLATT-LEE: I -- you know, groceries.
PINSKY: he`s to pay you from all the cooking.
PLATT-LEE: Cooking, cleaning. I painted --
PINSKY: Simone, now, she`s enthusiastic --
BIENNE: I`m sorry to be crude, are you going to say, actually, well, we had sex 17 times, so I`m going to bill you for that. Where does it end?
PLATT-LEE: I may as well at this point. I mean --
PINSKY: Well done, Simone.
BIENNE: That will make him feel whole. Valerie in California. Valerie, you got something for us?
VALERIE, CALIFORNIA: HI, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Valerie. Go right ahead.
VALERIE: I`m a good friend of Kendra`s, and I am 100 percent on her side. I think it`s very brave what she did, and you know, to have the courage to walk away. I do think that he was doing this out of spite, getting revenge, and he is very hurt by it.
Anybody is hurt when they`re broken up, but I think he should be a man, and walk away, and start his own life and let her live her life.
PINSKY: Well, I absolutely 100 percent agree with you. I think this whole attempt to be whole is an unmanly way. Forget unchivalry, it`s just not -- it`s not becoming of a man. That`s all I`m saying.
BIENNE: And not necessarily real either, because behind the anger are very tender feelings, just t like your friend Valerie was saying. Feelings of feeling incredibly hurt.
PINSKY: And here`s the deal. I want to use Kendra`s story as a jumping off point to hear about some of your all breakup stories. Again, the number is 855-373-7395.
Ellie in Idaho, go ahead.
ELLIE, IDAHO: Yes. Hi, Dr. Drew.
ELLIE: Hi. I think that, you know, these people were going to share their lives, and the only thing she owes him is the ring back.
PLATT-LEE: I gave the ring back.
PINSKY: She did do that.
PLATT-LEE: Yes. I definitely gave the ring back, and I was also more than willing to sit down with Steve and go over different things and try and settle it, but I guess, it`s not an option.
ELLIE: He`s mad, and this is about revenge and getting her.
PINSKY: Ellie, are you married?
ELLIE: Not anymore.
PINSKY: Oh-oh. What happened?
ELLIE: We got divorced about 12 years ago.
PINSKY: And you sound happy now. Is that --
ELLIE: Yes. No. No, it was a good thing, but I was married over 20 years, and there were -- when we first were going out, you know, you don`t really have a contract like I`m going to pay this, you`re going to pay that. You want -- you`re working together towards a common goal. You get a ring. That`s a promise to marry. If you don`t get married, you give the ring back.
PINSKY: Twenty years is a pretty good run, Ellie. What happened?
ELLIE: Lots of different things. I couldn`t really put one little name on it, but it was for the best, at least, from my point of view. Except that we did have some children, and that wasn`t fun, but everything is good now.
PINSKY: OK. Thank you for that call, Ellie. We`re going to get more of your calls and comments. Get the numbers, 855-373-7395. I`d like to hear your guys stories of breakup, and maybe, there is bad or worse than what we`ve heard, so far. Be right back.
PINSKY: I am back with Kendra Platt-Lee. Her ex-fiancee says she broke up with him right before the wedding, twice, and now, he is suing. And we have reached out to his lawyer.
He has said, quote, "This is not driven by hurt feelings or revenge or emotions. This is purely about my client recovering moneys owed to him. If you look at this in context of the law, it`s clear he`s owed the money."
But Kendra, you say it`s not about that. It`s about feelings and the things that he was doing that motivated you to actually break up with him twice, right?
PINSKY: What was happening?
PLATT-LEE: Well, he turned into a groomzilla. People think that a woman wants to plan the wedding and a woman wants to take (ph) lavish ceremony and reception with all their friends, but, really, it was in New York. It was about him. It was about a show.
PINSKY: But he was the one paying for it, I mean, after all.
PLATT-LEE: Well, not all of it.
PINSKY: But, the lion`s share of it. I mean, he was excited about it, no?
PLATT-LEE: Yes. But, I mean, it doesn`t matter who is paying. You should try and make your partner happy. Usually, it`s about the bride. Usually, it`s about a partnership and start of a new life together, and we just completely lost all of that.
PINSKY: So, the marriage actually -- the wedding actually caused you guys to unravel. It was actually the wedding itself?
PINSKY: Distress that. Simone, you`re shaking your head.
BIENNE: Thank goodness it happened before you got married, because this is a sign that you were not being able to communicate properly and not understanding each other`s needs. And luckily, it happened this sort of things rather than on the other side. Yes.
Vaneyk in Canada, you got a comment for us?
VANEYK, CANADA: Yes. I have a friend, he was engaged, and his fiancee relocated from a different city to be with him. He called off the wedding, and she sued him for all the relocation costs to get her back to the city where she was originally from.
And in the same situation, just the same with modern relationships where less and less parents are paying for it, it is an agreement. And yes, when one wants to be chivalrous, one wants to spend those expenses, but they need to be shared, you know?
If one is going to follow your heart and make the decision for yourself, when it comes down to the dollars and cents, you can`t be a princess, you`ve got to absolutely pay your share of the costs.
PINSKY: What do you say to that?
PLATT-LEE: Well, I mean, my share of the costs, I did pay for what I wanted. And a lot of things --
PINSKY: You wanted to pay. How much percentage of the overall is that?
PLATT-LEE: I mean, my salary was five times less than his, and he was writing a lot off as business expenses for a business.
PINSKY: And he wanted to do?
PLATT-LEE: Yes. These are business expenses that he was legally writing off. So, that`s why he decided to go ahead and pay for everything himself, and he went and signed contracts when I wasn`t there. So, why should I be responsible for that?
PINSKY: Talk to Danielle in California -- Danielle. Danielle? Are you there?
DANIELLE, CALIFORNIA: Can you hear me?
PINSKY: There you are. I got you now. Go ahead.
DANIELLE, CALIFORNIA: Hi. Hi, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Hi, Danielle.
DANIELLE: I`m actually one of Kendra`s good friends. And what it kind of, I think, boils down to is like everyone is saying, you know, there are a lot of hurt feelings.
And I think it`s fortunate that Kendra has gotten out of this situation now rather than later, because if he`s going to bring it to this level where he has to sue her instead of kind of, you know, coming directly to Kendra and handling the situation, what would this have meant down the line when they had children, when they had a house, when they had something else going on.
PINSKY: Or imagine how cantankerous the divorce would have been? This is just a split up over a planning of a wedding, not an actual life together, a marriage. So -- well, Kendra, thanks for joining us. I appreciate it.
PLATT-LEE: Thank you. Appreciate it.
PINSKY: And, again, if your almost husband or fiance wants to come in, tell his side of the story, we certainly reach out to him. Simone, thank you for joining us as always. I`ll see you tonight on "Loveline."
And next up, I`m taking calls about anything and everything. 855-373- 7395. I want to talk to you. I want you to call. 855-373-7395. All topics, bring it. Let`s go. After the break.
PINSKY: All right. Welcome back. It is time for calls about anything you want. Let`s go to Ciaran, I believe, in Tennessee -- Ciaran. Boy, we`re having technical problems tonight. Ciaran, is that the right name? Karen? I hear nothing.
CIARAN, TENNESSEE: Hey, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: There you are. What`s going on? This is (INAUDIBLE) evening. Thank you for calling. What do you got?
CIARAN: Well, I just wondered. I studied the adult immune system and affects of drugs like cocaine on the brain before.
CIARAN: I just wondered, with the evolution of this becoming recognized as a really addictive behavior --
PINSKY: Which, what? The porn addiction?
CIARAN: Yes, exactly. Exactly.
PINSKY: OK. Yes.
CIARAN: Clinically, are people looking at things like adult immune systems --
PINSKY: Of course. Of course. All addictions -- (INAUDIBLE) but all addictions mediated to the (INAUDIBLE) apparatus, which sort of in the genetically prone individual. You know, descuse motivation, motivation to become disrupted, and people can`t stop doing something they want to stop doing.
Yes, of course, that system has been carefully looked at and all this, but, there`s no pharmaceutical intervention as of yet and probably never will be, because it`s also in the context of other emotional and spiritual issues that need management as well.
PINSKY: All right. Thank you for your call. Abby in New York. Go right ahead, Abby. Abby.
ABBY, NEW YORK: Hi, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Abby, it`s my rapid fire. I`m out of patient this evening, so I`m sorry. I`m speeding it up. What do you got?
ABBY: I`ve been diagnosed with bipolar, and I`ve just noticed during my cycles, I do have periods of manic behavior where I`m very promiscuous.
PINSKY: Oh, yes.
ABBY: And my therapist has also said that I am a sex addict, and like you said, I really want to stop these behaviors, but I feel out of control.
PINSKY: All right. Here`s the deal. So, I`ll make it quick and make it simple. It`s good thing you`re getting professional help, number one. It is also good that you`re on medication. Bipolar is a highly biological condition, and it needs medical management. And then, finally, you need to go to a 12-step program.
There are at least three or four different sex and love addiction programs out there. There`s SA, SEA, SLA, SLAA, and LA. There are different programs. They have -- they develop circle plan, which is a way of managing the sexual addiction with your sponsor. You need to go do that.
Kim in Ohio.
KIM, OHIO: Hi, Dr. Drew.
KIM: I`m sorry, I only have a Midwest accent.
PINSKY: It`s all right, but it`s an accent. It`s all accent evening. Well done.
KIM: OK. I was in a 23-year marriage with a sociopath.
PINSKY: Oh. My goodness. How did you last 23 years? How did you do that?
KIM: Twenty-three years.
PINSKY: How did you last 23 years?
KIM: I was a very empathetic, kind, affable.
PINSKY: Let me switch it around. Very codependent. Go ahead. All right.
KIM: Yes. Well, that`s why I became a registered nurse also.
PINSKY: Right. Nice.
KIM: It really damaged my self-esteem.
PINSKY: Of course.
KIM: And I`m still working through PTSD, agoraphobia, anxiety disorder, and depression.
KIM: Ten years later. OK. My question is, how do I learn to trust myself to make an intelligent decision and be assertive instead of passive in all my relationships going forward?
PINSKY: Wow. You know how -- from a 12-step standpoint, how we would answer that question is say, don`t make any decisions on your own. You would work with your sponsor before you made any decisions because you know you can`t trust yourself.
You know that -- here`s one thing you probably have learned about yourself already is, if you`re attracted to somebody, it`s more of a sociopath than not, right? Because you`re attracted to that kind of person.
KIM: I`m attracted to somebody that --
PINSKY: --is broken.
KIM: -- abandons me.
KIM: -- because I was abandoned.
PINSKY: That`s exactly right. You got it. So, here`s the solution is intensive therapy so you learn to build an intimate relationship with a therapist so you get the feeling of what real closeness is like, so you start looking for that and also you can tolerate that.
And then, number two, you learn, what you have to make sure you, as a discipline do, is if you are super attracted to somebody, you don`t get to date them. That`s off-limits for you because you know that`s somebody that`s going to abandon you. You know that for sure because your picker is perfectly broken.
It`s perfect, but it`s broken. And then, if you really want to get something going on the short-term, again, the therapy takes a long time is go to an Al-Anon program or something like that. I imagine you had addiction in your family? Am I right on that?
KIM: No. No addiction in my family.
PINSKY: Shoot. You feel like somebody that had an alcohol addict as a parent. No?
KIM: No. Not my grandparents or even great grandparents.
PINSKY: Nobody taking pills in the family.
KIM: Nothing. My ex, yes.
PINSKY: OK. So, you`ve been involved with a pill user, right? A user? A drug addict?
KIM: My ex-husband.
PINSKY: OK. So --
KIM: He was a closet alcoholic.
PINSKY: OK. I bet you one of your parents. You take a look at that history and see if somebody doesn`t tell you, but be that as it may. It`s reasonable for you to go to a program called Al-Anon because you`ve been involved with an addict, drug addict, get a sponsor, and start working with that individual.
And don`t make any big decisions on your own. Work with that individual, bounce everything off of her before you make those decisions. And if you do all of those things, things will work out right. Thank you for your call.
We got one more point here. Do you think smokers should pay more in order to fund research of tobacco-related diseases? Here is a call that relates to HLN`s 2012 election coverage, our country votes. Brian -- Brian in Illinois. Brian, go right ahead.
BRIAN, ILLINOIS: Yes. The whole thing about let`s make the special license plates and give the money rebates to the 9/11 families. Let`s take this money and put it aside for research for smoking, which we obviously know what cause of what smoking does to you. It causes cancer, and there are many other things that can do to you.
But it`s like it`s going to put in this fund, and then, it`s going to, suddenly, disappear again. And it seems like every time, all they want to do is just alcohol or cigarettes to make up more money. That`s like how much do we need the tax (ph)? Enough is enough. Michael Bloomberg in New York raising the price of soft drinks.
PINSKY: Yes, my friend. I know what you`re talking about. He`s going to outlaw the big cups, and I agree with you. That`s getting a little bit of a nanny state going here. And I`m sympathetic to that.
On the other hand, taxing the people that use these drugs that cause these illnesses so we can study -- not just study what the causation, but the cures for these conditions -- I am sympathetic to what you`re saying, but I`m also sympathetic that people want to collect and tracks people who are using the substances that create the illnesses. I`m back with more calls after this.
PINSKY: If you love daytime television, then you`re going to love this. Watch the 39th annual daytime Emmy Awards right here on HLN, Saturday, June 23rd at 8:00 p.m. eastern time. I plan to be there, and I plan to be a part of it.
Let`s go back to your calls. I`ve got Trina in Canada. Is that right, Trina?
TRINA, CANADA: Yes.
PINSKY: Hi, Trina. What`s up?
TRINA: Not too much. What are you doing?
PINSKY: I`m just doing a little TV show here. Do you have anything to ask me?
TRINA: Yes. I just wondered, I was watching your show the other night with the -- you know, gay people and all that.
TRINA: And I just wondered, you know, hear it`s nature, nurture --
TRINA: -- that it starts in the womb, and they can`t, you know, choose their sexuality.
PINSKY: Some, some.
TRINA: And all that. Anyway, I just wondered, how come if that`s true, right?
TRINA: There are like no gay or whatever animals?
PINSKY: Well, in fact, Trina, there are. That`s one of the first places that people started looking at and concluded that there was some biological component is that there are -- it`s out there in the wild. And I don`t time to get into the specifics.
I actually got to go to break. Thank you for the calls. Thank you for watching. See you next time. Nancy Grace starts right now.