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"50 Shades" Sex Toys
Aired July 10, 2012 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DR. DREW PINSKY, HOST: Here we go.
Now, if you have bought an adult toy lately -- "Fifty Shades of Grey" is recently credited with a spike in sales. Is it leading you to experiment with S&M? A former dominatrix is here with her take.
Plus, Katie and Tom settled, Justin Bieber is cited for speeding. I`m taking your calls and questions about it all.
So, let`s get started.
PINSKY: Tonight, "Fifty Shades of Grey" -- oh, yes, you have heard me talk about this before -- this book has sold almost 20 million copies. And now, sex toys, like those described in the book, are flying off the shelves.
So, quick little warping here to our parents, tonight`s show could be a little bit racy, I will try to keep it under wraps and under control, but this book is becoming a phenomenon. The movie rights have been sold.
NBC`s "Ellen," "The Saturday Night Live" cast, even Gilbert Gottfried are making audition tapes. One of these, even a musical. Take a look.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE (singing): "Fifty Shades of Grey," how could I refuse, and my boring life as a plain housewife, I can dream of being sexually abused --
CROWD: Happy Mother`s Day.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Get out!
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: "Fifty Shades of Grey"? That sex book?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What? No. Go outside.
ELLEN DEGENERES: One hand at my back hold knowing him and the other hand -- oh, my God, I`m not going to say that.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring, too, open-mouthed and drooling slightly.
DEGENERES: I`m just going to add some sound effect it is that`s OK. Because I think.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And then his hand is no longer there. And he hits me hard.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, that`s --
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That`s crazy.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Now, nobody can hit me hard. A touch of leather, I quiver and gaps. Oh, he whipped her. Oh, my God! He sounds like a good lover.
DEGENERES: I`m bad girl. Oh, yes. Yes. Bad girl. I like it. Hmm.
PINSKY: So, maybe Ellen doesn`t like it, but is this making you the average woman want to experiment with this stuff?
So, joining me to discuss, my "Loveline" co-host, Simone Bienne, she is here. And Cheryl Sloane, she is the co-owner of the so-called G Boutique in Chicago.
Cheryl, is it true? Are items flying off the shelf at your business?
CHERYL SLOANE, CO-OWNER, G. BOUTIQUE: Yes. It is absolutely true.
PINSKY: And are you seeing a --
PINSKY: Are you seeing a broader range of women coming in and looking for these things?
SLOANE: Yes, it is amazing to us every day, we see all types of women coming in.
PINSKY: I`m sort of curious. Did you sort of see this wave coming at you and wonder what it was and then go read the book? Or had you already read the book and thought, oh, my God, here it comes?
SLOANE: Well, a little bit of each. I had -- my business partner had read the book and then the wave came at us big time. So I picked up the book and said I`ve got to read this right now.
PINSKY: All right. So, Simone, full disclosure here, here is my deal. I`ve discussed this book before. I have grave concerns about it. I want the time back I spent reading it just so you know. I didn`t like it.
And again, there seems to be one differentiating quality that makes me unable to appreciate the wonder of this book and that is I`m a male.
SIMONE BIENNE, DR. DREW`S "LOVELINE" CO-HOST: This is very, very true. Look, females want the erotic story and this guy, oh, he is just fabulous. She is being the nice girl with a very naughty lover.
And this is why so many women can relate to it, because we are all wanting our husbands to say take me now, take me now. Not having to do anything for it, we can get a little bit, you know, racy. It`s all fine. We can still stay the nice girl.
PINSKY: OK. So most --
BIENNE: And not do any work.
PINSKY: Now remind you, most of the wives out there -- the husbands when they approach their wives to sweep them away, are met with I`m tired. I`m not now. You know how confusing it is for a man?
BIENNE: Well, no, it is. I can really understand how confusing it is for a guy. But what this book is doing, which really, to me, outweighs any negative concerns is, it is getting women in touch with their sexuality. And any woman that feels sexy and then wants to say to her husband, hey, I`m feeling lusty, take me -- is a good, good thing.
PINSKY: As a physician, I just want to say that I worry about this book. Not the S&M part that`s great, but the part that -- the part that this guy was a sexual abuse survivor, he is in business with the perpetrator, the woman who thank abused him as a child is now his business partner. He is turning this woman into a sex slave. What kind of a message is that in woman?
BIENNE: He isn`t turning her into a sex slave.
PINSKY: He is. He makes her signed a contract to be his sex slave.
BIENNE: Yes, but this is important that he makes it her contract, because that way she is safe. She has the control. And I say, in the BDSM community, they say this is so light and so vanilla.
PINSKY: Oh, I understand that a lot of other erotic thought which is probably better, which is my other point. But anyway --
BIENNE: But we love this stuff, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: I see this.
BIENNE: This appeals to us because --
PINSKY: And I have no business pathologizing or treading on it. I apologize if I`m taking your fun away.
BIENNE: Human trait --
PINSKY: Oh, God. You sound like my wife. I want -- I want --
PINSKY: I want my time back for book one. Linda in Georgia, you have a comment?
LINDA, CALLER FROM GEORGIA: I do, Dr. Drew. Listen, your problem -- no, no, no, you`ve got to read book two and three. Somebody that doesn`t want to know about the book needs to close their ears for just a second.
LINDA: OK. At the end of book one, she walks out. She puts her foot down, I`m not doing this. I never had a safe word.
LINDA: You got to read books two and three. He is loving, he is tender. She breaks through his problems.
But here`s the other thing, I`m an RN of long, long time. I`m coming up on 60, post-uterine cancer, so, I don`t produce lubrication like I did when I was 20.
PINSKY: Yes, of course, right.
LINDA: OK? All right. Listen to me. When I read these books lo and behold, the factory started working. I`m telling you the truth.
BIENNE: Linda, you go girl!
PINSKY: I`m so happy for you. It beats hormone replacement therapy, I guess, and God bless you! I tell you what --
LINDA: Read the other two books, please read them, you will see.
PINSKY: OK. All right. I will do it.
BIENNE: I was going to say I will force him.
PINSKY: No, I will do it. I will do it. Why not use those words? Seems to be what`s in vogue right now.
BIENNE: I will sit there with your wife Susan and we`ll read it to you.
PINSKY: Stage manager loves this.
All right. Next up, a former dominatrix weighs in on the sex toys she has used while playing the role as a domineering mistress. We will look into what it really is like out there. Stay with us.
PINSKY: And welcome back. We are discussing "Fifty Shades of Grey."
Joining us is Melissa Febos. She became a dominatrix at age 21 and worked out of a so-called clandestine dungeon in New York for four years. Melissa is the author of "Whip Smart," which chronicles her years as domineering mistress.
Also, I have with me still the owner of the G Boutique, Cheryl Sloane.
And, Cheryl, just real quick, I want you to show us some of the stuff that`s flying off the shelf here. Can you really quickly give us an example?
By the way, a reminder to parents a the home, this is adult material. I see the cat o` nine tails. What else you got? A whip.
SLOANE: We have blindfolds.
SLOANE: We have cuffs. Cuffs and tethers.
SLOANE: We have these -- these are actually the biggest seller, these little balls with a weight in them.
PINSKY: Hang on, Simone wants to say something. That is referenced in the book, is it not?
BIENNE: Now, those balls were part of a scene and he actually warmed them up for her. This is how caring he is.
PINSKY: Yes, he`s caring man.
BIENNE: Warms them for her.
PINSKY: Every master of a sex slave needs to be caring. I understand.
Listen, I`m only being funny. I know this is meaningful stuff for you guys. I`m going to read book two and three. I will.
BIENNE: Read book two.
PINSKY: I will read book two and three. I will. I`m capitulating to you guys. Please, when I talk about the pathologies here, I don`t mean to make people feel bad for liking this, it just -- when I read, I thought all this stuff jumps out at me as doctor and I worry it is going to galvanize ideas about relationships that are not good.
BIENNE: That I share with you in the sense that we can also say that about crime novels. We can also say that about romantic comedies. You know how much I love them and how I like to escape in them.
BIENNE: But also, for goodness sake, the woman is passive and the bad boy turns good. It promotes co-dependency.
PINSKY: All right. You got me.
BIENNE: So, is everything on a spectrum, I do agree, take it with caution. Take it in the manner in which it`s meant to be playful.
PINSKY: All right. You got me. Now, Melissa, I want to go back to you. Does this book portray the kinds of activities that you were participating in a realistic way or concern that it sort of, I don`t know, diminishes something, a community`s preferences?
MELISSA FEBOS, FORMER DOMINATRIX: Right. First of all, I don`t think I can exactly speak for the community because I was really involved in mortgage commercial side of that world. I can say that just about everything that went on in that book, I did to somebody over my four years as a dominatrix. And actually, as was said earlier in the program, a lot of it is pretty vanilla, as we professionals call it.
PINSKY: So you sort of baited us with that intriguing comment. What kinds of things are you talking about here?
FEBOS: I`m not sure exactly where the limit is on this show. Some of the toys we just saw, think -- I might have a skewed perception but I think most of us are at least peripherally idea of the idea of using handcuffs or floggers or a blindfold in the bedroom.
But probably most of your viewers haven`t really thought of using household appliances, medical appliances, sweaters, bugs, balloons. I mean, I really sort of saw all of it in my tenure at the dungeon.
BIENNE: My goodness, what is sexy about bugs?
PINSKY: A whole bug squishing community out there, Simone.
BIENNE: Oh, my goodness.
PINSKY: Don`t pathologize it, Simone. How dare you pathologize it?
I`m just saying. Listen, whatever people are into, God bless them, as long as they can have -- here is my bottom line, as long as they are have healthy relationships.
BIENNE: Yes, absolutely.
PINSKY: And that`s a tall order for all of us.
BIENNE: This is what you will see with books two and three, he falls in love with her, he wants her safe, he is damaged, desperate for her.
PINSKY: I can`t wait to read it. I can`t wait it.
Let`s talk to Sally in Alaska. Sally, go ahead.
SALLY, CALLER FROM ALASKA: Hi, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Hi, Sally.
SALLY: What I`ve seen in my community, any way, with these books is the women who are reading them and getting the most enjoyment and excitement from them are women who tend to be very much in control of their lives, their households, their jobs. And for a few brief moments in time, it`s nice to not be in control. It`s nice to have someone else take over that job.
PINSKY: All right. Fair enough.
BIENNE: Sally, and research actually backs exactly up what you`re saying, that the women who buy erotic literature are actually very independent, very intelligent because they are using their brain and they are not threatened by actually saying, my goodness me, that whole thing I was joking about at the beginning of the show, take me now, submissive, being submissive is the second biggest fantasy of married women. Because they are working exactly as your caller was saying, working so terribly hard else where, they don`t want to work hard in the bedroom in this kind of fantasy realm.
PINSKY: Let talk to Patricia in Tennessee -- Patricia.
PATRICIA, CALLER FROM TENNESSEE: Yes.
PINSKY: Hey, Patricia.
PATRICIA: How are you.
PINSKY: We are great. Thanks for calling.
PATRICIA: I was calling -- I was -- I would -- I was not aware there was a book two and three. But when I heard that "Fifty Shades of Grey" was about dominance and the other, I have been through a very abusive marriage and that is the way the sexual part died down.
PINSKY: OK. So, let me just point out that if somebody is in a situation where violence and aggression becomes part of the relationship in any area where you don`t feel you want to participate or it`s safe, those are people that have been abused themselves typically, for sure, and don`t know how to have a safe relationship or a healthy relationship. Those are people that should not feel empowered.
I`m going to go to you, Melissa. Do you agree with me, I`m sure about this?
FEBOS: Absolutely. I absolutely agree. I mean, there`s a vast, vast different difference between violence committed against a victim and a consensual S&M dominance in the bedroom and in the relationship. Huge difference.
BIENNE: And Melissa`s point there, which I really agree with, Melissa, is you`re talking about an equal share of power. And in a relationship, exactly where there is violence, your last caller was talking about, an abusive relationship there is no equal share of power.
PINSKY: You understand how people need to sort these ideas out. They don`t reach "Fifty Shades of Grey" and to go, oh, all these relationships are good. They have to have -- you know, there has to be boundaries and participation in a safe way.
PINSKY: Betty in Missouri -- Betty.
BETTY, CALLER FROM MISSIOURI: Hi, Dr. Drew, thanks for having me.
I actually read "Fifty Shades", before it was published. I read it when it was online and it piqued my interest in everything that`s in that book. And I did some research into the BDSM and I researched a long time. And I found a dating site. And through that site, I met a dominant. And three years later, I married him. We got married in April.
We have a completely stable, healthy relationship.
PINSKY: How old are you?
PINSKY: So, you are in your mid-20s and you found a certain -- OK, great. It`s a good story, right?
BETTY: Yes, and our BDSM relationship strengthens our vanilla relationship because it forces us to communicate about what we want, not just in the bedroom but in life.
BIENNE: That`s certainly one thing that the BDSM community is very, very proud of, how they are able to communicate and this is essential, how it spills out, the sexual relationship spills out into the emotional side of the relationship because you are able to manage conflict better because of strong communication.
PINSKY: OK. We`re taking more calls and continue this conversation after this quick break.
PINSKY: Welcome back.
We have been discussing "Fifty Shades of Grey." And, apparently, an artist has come up with a composite picture of what this gentleman, so to speak, what would have looked like. Let`s see if we can put that up. The "Fifty Shades of Grey" protagonist that would be your master, I guess. What would we call him, your dominatrix?
BIENNE: Your dom. Yes.
PINSKY: Well, I want to go out to Melissa and explain what a dominatrix is, you know, what you did and what guys seem to want from you.
FEBOS: OK. Well, as a dominatrix, I worked at a very upscale dungeon in midtown Manhattan, where my clients would pay me to enact role play scenes that they spent a lot of time fantasizing about. And most of these scenes involved me playing sort of an iconic female role, either mommy, babysitter, cheerleader or the essential sort of dominatrix character with the thigh-high boots and the corset. But there was no sex and no nudity. It was really sort of a private acting job.
PINSKY: Simone, aren`t you concerned that this is just a traumatic re-enactment? Mommy was traumatic, babysitter was traumatizing and then you go and have to re-enact it over again in role play -- which is not necessarily bad but it leaves the trauma unresolved?
BIENNE: Absolutely. But everything on a spectrum, because there has been research that is coming out just now that is saying that actually by changing the outcome of the role play --
PINSKY: Being in control of it?
BIENNE: Being in control, that can be healing. But this work has to be done with a therapist. And I agree with you, if you`re just going and reenacting, then, yes, it can be very damaging.
PINSKY: Melissa, what kind of guys were visiting? Who were them?
FEBOS: Most were upper middle class, New York city resident, a lot of stock brokers, probably because it is an expensive hobby to have, but they really sort of ran the whole spectrum. There were professors and doctors and police officers and just about everybody you can think of.
And most of them were -- you know, I hate to generalize, but pretty well adjusted. They had successful marriages and jobs, and while I do think that the re-enactment of childhood traumas could potentially be damaging, for a lot of my client, they had successfully incorporated this practice into their every day life.
PINSKY: Do you think their wives or girlfriends knew about this?
FEBOS: I think that oftentimes, they didn`t.
You have to remember I worked in commercial side. I wasn`t part of the overall sort of S&M community where there are many kinds of highly functioning, successful relationships that employ a lot of these practices.
PINSKY: And, Melissa, is what you were doing legal?
FEBOS: Because there was no sex involved, it was legal.
PINSKY: OK. Take a quick calls, Danita in Nebraska -- Danita.
DANITA, CALLER FROM NEBRASKA: Yes, I work with this co-worker. She was in a four-year relationship, bought a house and ready to live together. And within a few days of reading this book, these three books, she kicked her boyfriend out. She was on the Internet trying to find guys. She was hooking with guys that she knew in the past.
And one of your callers said that it was people that had control. Well, this woman never had control of her life and now, she`s doing this which is going to make her life even more harder. So, people say that feels great. It might be enjoyable to read.
But this is causing problems. This woman is going to have a worse life because of the action she`s doing now.
PINSKY: Well, this is what we called sexual acting out. This is the kind of thing that somebody should pull her aside and say this is -- look, off problem, we have to see somebody professional.
BIENNE: And on the other hand, I hear both of you and Danita, hear the result. On the other hand, she could feel empowered and say, you know what if she doesn`t act out sexually, if she said, I want a different life, maybe this book can be useful.
But I also will repeat the point I said, crime books, we can pathologize those, they terrify me what they can do to our psyche.
PINSKY: Melissa, why did you -- I got about 30 sends -- why did you quit your career as a dominatrix?
FEBOS: Because I wasn`t interested in playing out erotic scenarios with total strangers anymore. It just wasn`t for me, as you can imagine maybe.
PINSKY: And was that a healthy move?
FEBOS: It was a healthy move. I regret absolutely nothing and it definitely gave me a bigger acceptance of my own desires, as I think this book has the power to do for some people. But when it was time to get out, I got out and that was definitely the right decision.
PINSKY: Well, Cheryl, Melissa, Simone -- thank you for helping me discuss this. If I were a snail, I would be crawling into my shell right now. I feel a little out of control and I celebrate this book with --
BIENNE: Come join the party.
PINSKY: And evidently, I`m committed now to reading the second and third book.
Next up, Justin Bieber makes headlines again. And also a look inside what`s going on with Katie and Tom`s instant Hollywood divorce. We`re going to have a little summer gossip update and of course, take calls on any topics after this.
PINSKY: Tom, Katie, Justin Bieber -- all making big headlines. This is all getting a lot of attention, more attention than the stories of the day. Listen to what my thoughts on that. I will give them and your calls, coming up.
PINSKY: Welcome back.
Justin Bieber chased at high speeds by police on a Las Vegas freeway. It incited fear in at least 10 people who called 911, including Justin Bieber himself.
Plus, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes go from married to divorce, legal settlement, all in just two weeks.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY (on-camera): Joining me, Dylan Howard, editor-in-chief, Buzzmedia. Let`s hear a portion now of Justin Bieber`s 911 call that he, himself, placed.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: 911 emergency what are you reporting?
VOICE OF JUSTIN BIEBER, SINGER: I have like five cars following me.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: OK. Where are you at?
BIEBER: On the freeway.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You know the people that are following you?
BIEBER: No, I don`t.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What`s your name?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What`s your last name?
BIEBER: Um, Johnson.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: OK. What type of car are you in?
BIEBER: I`m in a Fisker.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What kind of car is that?
BIEBER: It`s a Fisker.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What are they doing to you, Justin?
BIEBER: They are being very dangerous, swerving around other cars trying to get to me. (INAUDIBLE). Before I was driving fast so that I could try to get away from them.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Right.
BIEBER: And I got pulled over myself. Then when I tried to explain it to the police officers, they were being, like, not nice about it. They were just like you waived your right to privacy because you`re a celebrity.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Right.
BIEBER: I know I`m driving fast, but it`s like they`re the ones being dangerous.
PINSKY: All right. Now, Dylan, Bieber had called 911 after he`d been stopped by police. So, the question is, was this a calculated move on his part?
DYLAN HOWARD, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF, BUZZMEDIA: You know what, Dr. Drew, I`m not sure. That sounded more like a conversation with key messages that he tried to get out there, specifically the point there about the CHP and what they said to him when they pulled him over. The disingenuous part of me would suggest that, yes, that was a calculated ploy, because that was, of course, going to be released as part of California law.
But at the same time, I think he raises a very valid point. What is the purpose of the paparazzo chasing him at high speed in a car? It`s dangerous, it`s risky, it`s a throwback to the Princess Diana situation. So, I think at the deep core of this issue is something more at play.
PINSKY: And is his Fisker that everyone is asking what that is. That`s an electric car. Oh, my gosh, that`s quite nice. But here`s the thing that I thought was interesting with the CHP apparently said to him, according to Justin Bieber, is that because he`s a celebrity, he has waived his rights to privacy, which is true, right?
HOWARD: Well, yes. But whether or not the CHP officer did indeed say that is up for debate. If indeed they did say that, I think that the CHP would have a concern about that, because even though he is a celebrity, I don`t think he necessarily does waive his right to privacy.
PINSKY: Though, there are sort of laws like that where celebrities become part of public domain, and therefore, their privacy rights are different than a private citizen.
HOWARD: I would argue though that a celebrity --
PINSKY: I mean, this is what you do for a living.
HOWARD: I`m an editor.
HOWARD: And I can tell that you it concerns me that members of our industry would follow at high speed a celebrity, what is to be gained from that?
HOWARD: What is to be gained?
HOWARD: Absolutely nothing. So, as a tabloid magazine editor, former magazine editor and now an online editor, I must stay, it disturbs me that this has occurred.
PINSKY: If it occurred.
HOWARD: If it occurred.
HOWARD: No, irrespective of that, there were paparazzos following him at high speed. That is the subject of this CHP investigation. And I think as an industry, it`s high time that we wake up and sort this out.
PINSKY: So, we don`t have -- it was high time when Princess Di was literally killed by the same behavior.
HOWARD: Sure. And Justin Bieber, as an 18-year-old, driving a flashy car certainly subjects himself to that. And sure, he can be the subject of celebrity photos, but what is the benefit of following him in his car?
PINSKY: Are there concerns about him these days? He seems to be a little more in your guys crosshairs.
HOWARD: This is his second clash with paparazzi in less than two weeks. He`s the subject of another investigation by police alleging that he assaulted a paparazzo photographer. He is the biggest celebrity in his demographic at the moment. So, it`s not surprising that he is followed. Is there greater concern for him and his behavior? I think he`s just an 8-year-old kid.
PINSKY: Fair enough. All right. Moving on from Justin to Tom and Katie and their divorce finished like, boom.
PINSKY: What do we know about this?
HOWARD: Well, this -- the negotiations began on Friday, and they ended on Sunday. That suggests to me that Katie Holmes got exactly what she wanted, everything that she wanted, the money, the reported home in Montecito, California, but above all, she gets control.
She gets to make the key decisions about their one daughter, six-year- old Suri, and that is the most important thing to her, decisions about her education, where she`s brought up --
PINSKY: But listen, Dylan, doesn`t that say good things about Tom, that his concern is the safety and well being of his wife, former wife and child and that he`s being a good guy and just, you know, he may be stunned by this. I mean, to me, I look at this story, and a lot of people have been sort of intrusive and attacking.
I feel bad about this. I believed they were in love. At least he was in love with her. We don`t really know what happened here.
HOWARD: We don`t.
PINSKY: And it`s sad. It`s sad for the child. It`s sad for both -- all three of them.
HOWARD: And we never will. The fact that this has avoided litigation suggests that we will never know the secret behind what this was, indeed, whether there was a deep, more sinister secret, or indeed, whether it was just the end of a five-year marriage.
Whether or not Tom Cruise was chivalrous, or indeed, whether he was attempting to wrap it up like a bow and avoid those secrets becoming spilled or opened up remains to be seen.
PINSKY: Take quick call. Tara in Florida -- Tara.
TARA, FLORIDA: Hi, Dr. Drew. How are you?
PINSKY: I`m good. What do you got?
TARA: Well, basically what you just asked, I just wondered why you think they settled the divorce so fast? I mean, that`s normally unheard of in Hollywood.
HOWARD: Well, I would suggest that there was a lot at stake here for Tom Cruise. He was facing the biggest PR nightmare of his career. And from June 28th when she filed for divorce to Thursday or Friday, he had been attacked. His faith, in the controversial religion, the church of scientology was under the most enormous scrutiny, the most the church has ever faced.
So, irrespective of what was going on behind the scenes, from a public standpoint it made sense for him to shut it down and to shut it down with speed.
PINSKY: And I understand you observed something rather interesting about the age of his previous marriages, the age in which the --
HOWARD: Yes. Mimi Rogers, 33, Katie Holmes, 33, his second wife, Nicole Kidman, 33 all at the time when he split, when they split from Tom Cruise.
PINSKY: Do we know -- I`m going to ask something really goofy, but do we know how old his mother was when his parents broke up?
HOWARD: Dr. Drew, you`re asking a question I can`t answer.
PINSKY: Wouldn`t that be interesting? And I feel bad for poor Tom if that`s his pattern. You know, Tom Arnold had that pattern.
PINSKY: His mom left when he`s four years of age and every four years into a relationship, it would fall apart.
HOWARD: Tom back on the set already, working, filming the latest film "Oblivion." So, his marriage gone to oblivion, and he`s back on set.
PINSKY: -- very interesting these stories and they`re capturing people`s attention I think more than they should, perhaps, but whatever.
Next up, more calls about anything on your guys mind.
PINSKY: I am back taking your calls on anything and everything. Let`s start with Kelly in Texas -- Kelly.
KELLY, TEXAS: Hi, Dr. Drew. I`m about to get married. Well, the guy is the love of my life. And there`s some sensitivity issues in the bedroom. He`s not really able to achieve climax by -- with me. He kind of has to do it himself.
PINSKY: Right. Got it.
KELLY: And he`s no --
PINSKY: OK. How old are you?
KELLY: I`m 27.
PINSKY: Twenty-seven. How old is he?
PINSKY: Is he on any medication or does he have any medical problems?
PINSKY: Not that I`m aware of.
PINSKY: OK. This is something called delayed ejaculation and is a very difficult problem. Urologists don`t really have a good solution for that problem. So, it is something that typically has to be sort of solved behaviorally. Psychosexual therapists, like Simone we had earlier, this is a common thing that they would be consulted for.
There usually are ways to kind of work it out, but there`s no sort of pathway to do it, and it`s very frustrating for him and of course, for you as well, and particularly, when fertility becomes sort of an issue. It`s smoothing that you kind of to kind of get on. So, if you have resources, I would definitely consult someone with some expertise in this area, because it`s something that can be dealt with/
Jessica in Oregon. Jessica, what do you got?
JESSICA, OREGON: Hi there, Dr. Drew. I`m in the beginning stages of being an egg donor, and I`m curious about the actual medications that are involve and the side effects of the overall process.
PINSKY: Well, what they do -- this is the same thing they do for women to treat infertility to set them up for in-vitro fertilization and those kinds of things, (INAUDIBLE) transfer and whatnot. The first step in this is stimulating the ovaries causing them to produce follicles and then they go in and retrieve those follicles.
They`re like cysts with an egg in it, and they literally aspirate them out. And there can be complications from this. One of the complications is called ovarian hyperstimulation where you actually can -- the ovary stimulate (ph) growth so much that they actually outstrip their blood supply and can die. Relatively unusual complication.
And then, we don`t know the long-term complications or the long-term effects of this ovarian stimulation. We believe it to be safe. Now, why is it you`re doing this?
JESSICA: I`m doing it because I`ve heard about (INAUDIBLE) it was a good experience and it would be -- it was a bit cool to try out, and it`s also, of course, the money that you get from it is also a benefit as well.
PINSKY: Right. That`s usually what I hear women when they do this.
JESSICA: Of course.
PINSKY: Right. Are you in college or something? You need the money?
JESSICA: I`m actually not in college. I`m a graduate, but yes, I`m looking into getting (INAUDIBLE) next year. So --
PINSKY: Well, it`s something you really think about. I mean, your body you`re playing with. One of the things that sort of troubles me these days is people don`t really understand biology, and that we are a biological being, and that we sort of live in a time when medical technologies are such that keeps us a distance from that reality.
And so, we figure what`s the big deal? I will take the ovarian stimulation, take the hormones. They basically throw you into menopause, which is miserable. You can imagine.
People get depressed, they get irritable, they get agitated, they have sweats, they can`t sleep, and then, they stimulate you really with powerful medication and injections and then they go and do a procedure to collect the eggs. It`s not nothing. So, think long and hard about it OK, Jessica?
JESSICA: Absolutely. Thank you so much.
PINSKY: Take care. Sheri in Canada -- Sheri.
SHERI, CANADA: Hi. I have a question, and I want to know what it is called when a father says things to his daughter such as your headlights are showing. Your body is turning me on. If I sat beside a boy, I`d be better off riding and sitting beside him.
PINSKY: Oh, my Sheri, Sheri, Sheri. Sheri, Sheri, Sheri, Sheri, is this your dad we`re talking about?
PINSKY: Is your mom around?
SHERI: She was at the time that it was going on, yes. She started in on it, too.
PINSKY: She was saying the same thing?
SHERI: She started to. So did my brother.
PINSKY: Is -- how old are you?
SHERI: I`m 43 now.
PINSKY: OK. And do you have your own --
SHERI: It started when I was 11.
PINSKY: Were there more explicit sexual abuse going on in the household or was there physical abuse?
SHERI: There was some physical abuse, but there was no sexual abuse - - for physical, but I had been sexually abused.
PINSKY: You had been?
SHERI: More than 20 times.
PINSKY: Not within the family?
SHERI: No. Well, my brother kind of experimented when he was 18.
PINSKY: OK. Did you report this? Have you had treatment for it?
SHERI: I`m in therapy. My parents just call it child`s play. They just say I deserve basically everything I got.
PINSKY: OK. Sheri, you deserve none of this, absolutely none of this. Your parents are abusive. All of this is outlandish and completely outside the realm of appropriate behavior for.
SHERI: What is it called?
PINSKY: Well, it`s called being sexually abusive. I mean, we live in a time when abuse and boundary violations are very commonplace. It`s awful. And I`m sorry you had to go through it, and it was not your fault. You live with people who God knows what they went through and people can say, well, you can understand why they were the way they were given the horrors that they had in childhood.
OK. You can understand it. It doesn`t make it OK. It`s awful. I would urge you to report it. It would be up to your therapist ultimately whether you do or do not. I thank God that you`re in therapy. Treatment does work. You can get a lot better. Just know that none of this was your fault. You didn`t deserve any of it.
And the shame that I`m sure you`re feeling can someday be significantly diminished with treatment. So, keep doing that hard work. And I hope your therapist does report some of this, because unfortunate reality is that, for instance, your brother might do this again.
We`re going to take more calls after the break.
PINSKY: Back to your questions and calls. I`ve got Sean in Nevada -- Sean.
SEAN, NEVADA: Hello. Thank you, Dr. Drew. I was just wondering from a guy`s perspective going back to yesterday when you had adult actress on, I have issues with intimacy and connecting and just wondering, you know, you don`t normally hear that from us and wondering what`s wrong with me?
PINSKY: Well, intimacy disorders are much more common than you might imagine. Now, you`re talking about being able to connect and that`s really an emotional complaint, the ability to be fully present with another person and not feel disconnected. And these days, that is a very common thing.
As we heard in our last caller, abuse is a very common thing. Abandonment, neglect, these are common things that people went through particularly over the last 30 years. Our families have sort of fallen apart and children went through traumatic experiences commonly. And the consequence of that is the inability to trust closeness to other people.
Closeness, emotional intimacy which is just being able to tolerate being available, close, emotionally flexibly alive, close proximity to the another person, that is a dangerous and vulnerable position historically, and so, people will not do it. They avoid it, too scary, too unsafe. And I`m actually writing a book on exactly this issue try to help people.
It`s actually been worked out exactly what the mechanism that people get into. I had some calls I think yesterday about emotional regulation. This is the other consequence of not being able to tolerate intimacy as people are just regulated. They can`t get into context of other people, which is where life flourishes.
So, my friend, I would tell you, you seem like a -- you know, you seem like a nice guy, why not go get some help with this? There are armies of mental health professionals out there, specifically who see this kind of thing all the time and are very adept at getting people back into that frame of tolerating emotional closeness.
SEAN: Do you think my high intelligence has anything to do with it? Maybe overexamining?
PINSKY: I mean, it`s not going to help you, because you think you can kind of reason your way through it, and you know, you`re always up in your head thinking about why things are the way they are and making excuses and justifications. When the reality is the whole other part of your brain that needs to get engage and integrated with that intellect.
I can relate to that kind of thing. I did that kind of thing a long time in my life of overthinking stuff, but get in a therapeutic context and things will improve. I`ve got now Evelyn in Florida. Evelyn, what do you got?
EVELYN, FLORIDA: Yes. Hi, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Hi, Evelyn.
EVELYN: I -- hepatitis C, I have hepatitis C and I was diagnosed a little over a year ago. And, I`m trying to figure out when is the appropriate time to tell somebody that you`re dating that you have hepatitis C.
PINSKY: All right. Let me ask a couple of questions. How long have you had it?
EVELYN: Actually, I`ve had it over 25 years.
EVELYN: I (INAUDIBLE) it while I was in the military.
PINSKY: OK. Were you an IV drug user?
PINSKY: How did you get it? Transfusion?
EVELYN: I had surgery, and back then, they weren`t testing blood.
EVELYN: And I hemorrhaged.
PINSKY: Got it. You got transfusion.
PINSKY: And have you been genotyped? I don`t want to get too technical here, but there`s a blood test to see what genetic subtype of hepatitis C this is. Have you been genotyped?
EVELYN: Yes. It`s C1A.
PINSKY: OK. And have you been treated?
EVELYN: Actually, I will start the interferon and ribavirin therapy in August.
PINSKY: Great. So, this is a very positive outlook, and things are, you know, may clear. You may not have to worry about this. I don`t remember which subset of hepatitis C is the one that`s likely to be sexually transmitted. I don`t think it`s the one you have.
But I think it`s -- you know, like any of these secrets, so to speak, that people have, the time to basically talk about it is when you get involved, when it`s clear that you`re dating, like three, five, seven, you know, a couple weeks in, when it`s clear, this is going to kind of go on, that`s when you`ve got, and you`ve got to say something at that stage of the game.
Not when it`s months in and it starts to get weird. You know what I`m saying?
EVELYN: Yes. And I also note, I mean, when I found out, I -- I thought every -- anybody that got hepatitis C, they had to be either prostitutes or drug users.
PINSKY: Well, that`s sort of the populations at risk, these days, especially, because they are testing blood for it, but that is the population at risk. But now, there are good treatments, particularly for certain geno types. So, God bless you for taking advantage of that.
I`m going to be back with more comments and calls after this.
PINSKY: We are taking your calls. And just a reminder, my phone lines are open 24/7 at 855-373-7395. That`s 855-DrDrew5, so you can call in and leave us a message 24/7, and we`ll try to call you back and get you on the air here.
All right. Let`s go to Jessica, Massachusetts.
JESSICA, MASSACHUSETTS: Hey, Dr. Drew.
JESSICA: I was just actually had a question about yesterday`s topic was promiscuity.
JESSICA: That woman that was on "Celebrity Rehab."
JESSICA: And I was actually abused as a child from the age of I would say three to 10.
PINSKY: Very common. Yes. Terribly common.
JESSICA: I had counseling. Yes. But I went opposite, more inward, more like I was too afraid to be intimate. You know, -- to say intimate.
PINSKY: Yes. That`s what -- three things can happen. You can be like Jennifer and sort of act out, which is actually the more common thing these days. The other is to shutdown completely and actually be disconnected from your body. Your body feels almost numb.
PINSKY: And the third is actually also rather common is to go back and forth between sexual anorexia and sexual compulsion. What you`re talking about is really called sexual anorexia.
JESSICA: I spent 13 years with somebody, but he ended up being, you know, abuser, domestic violence.
PINSKY: This is the crazy thing about humans is that we re-enact the traumas of the past. If you`re attracted to somebody and you`ve not had treatment, we can pretty much predict that`s not going to be a great person for you, because that attraction is built on those old traumas that are yet unresolved.
JESSICA: Right. Years (ph) later and I`m like -- I don`t even think I was intimate. I think it was sex.
PINSKY: Go get some treatment, will you? There`s so much there for you. There`s a rich life ahead, but you got to take advantage of care, of treatment, all right?
JESSICA: You`re awesome. And I just want to say I have a healthy obsession with you.
PINSKY: OK. Thanks. All right. This is Nicole in Arizona. Nicole, real quick.
NICOLE, ARIZONA: Yes, I`m a three-time colon cancer survivor.
PINSKY: Good. Outstanding.
NICOLE: And the portion of my small intestine was removed, and food is processed from my body within two hours, so I`m suffering from dehydration -- constant dehydration and weight loss.
PINSKY: OK. So, you have sort of chronic diarrhea and dumping?
NICOLE: No. I have an ileostomy.
PINSKY: Oh, you have ileostomy. OK.
NICOLE: I have an ileostomy, so everything is going through me fast.
PINSKY: Well, it doesn`t go through faster because of ileostomy. I mean, all that the colon does. People have a great misconception about your colon. Your colon just really removes water from stool. That`s all it does. And it`s actually a tube that is outside your body. It`s outside your body.
People can`t get their head around that. The tube is inside but what`s in the tube is outside your body. And so, are you doing OK? Are you seeing dieticians? Are you getting proper medical care?
NICOLE: No. I`m suffering from weight loss --
PINSKY: OK. All right. Hold just a second. I`ve got to take a break. I`m going to say thank you all for watching and calling because Nancy Grace starts right now.