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He Said, She Said; What`s Your Baggage?
Aired August 1, 2012 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DR. DREW PINSKY, HOST: Here we go.
It is sex and relationships Wednesday. And tonight: habits that kill romance. The toilet seat up, dirty laundry on the floor, wearing socks to the bed. You got a guy that`s all class there. Does your partner have irritating habits that turn you off?
Call me at 855-DRDREW5.
Pus, what the opposite sex think about porn and fantasies. And people who have sex with no orgasm.
No topic off limit tonight. So call us, and let`s get started.
PINSKY: All right. Welcome to our sex and relationship Wednesday.
And here`s the deal. We`ve been through some very heavy stuff the last couple of the weeks with the Colorado shooting. We did Drew Peterson yesterday. We`re going to take a breather here. We`re going to have a little fun. We`re going to do our sex and relationship.
This stuff is pertinent for all. I promise are you`ll learn something. But it`s going to be a bit lighter. It`s a chance to kind of take a deep breath before we get back to some of that more difficult headlines.
We`re sort of looking at things from the standpoint of he says/she says.
So, naturally, we went out to Steve Santagati, we got him in here. Whatever he said/she said perspective. I want him in here. He`s the author of "The Manual" and president of Bad Boys Finish First, Inc.
And actress Sheryl Lee Ralph, author of "Redefining Diva."
Thank you, Sheryl, for joining us.
Sheryl, so, here`s the deal. I go to you first.
SHERYL LEE RALPH, ACTRESS: Yes.
PINSKY: You`ve got a guy, and he leaves the door open while he`s doing his thing in the bathroom. Is that a deal breaker or not?
RALPH: Darling, it depends on what is he doing? Now, if he`s standing up doing a number one and the view from behind is enticing, hey, what`s wrong with getting a good look at the goods?
PINSKY: All right, fair enough. Sheryl`s clearly up for this conversation today.
What do you think, Steve?
STEVE SANTAGATI, AUTHOR, "THE MANUAL": You know what`s funny, Sheryl? Like this is a double standard thing, but I feel it`s OK for a guy to pee with the door open, but girls sound different when they pee, it`s kind of gross.
PINSKY: Use the word "urinate".
RALPH: That means that you have been looking at some gross peeing women.
SANTAGATI: It`s hearing.
RALPH: Now, there are a lot of women that --
RALPH: Hold on. Do you want to hear the shower sound that men make sometimes when they`re peeing? The distance it takes for the liquid to meet the other liquid?
PINSKY: Hold on, hold on. I didn`t know we were going to get into a big conversation about nitration (ph). But now that you have, let me bring up other part of that same sort of -- part of the household, the house, which is the toilet seat up or down.
Here -- wait. I always argued that, look, I`ve got the bad back. Why do I have to be the one -- why don`t you leave it up as opposed to me always have to leave it down?
Until my wife seven months into a triplet pregnancy fell into the toilet.
PINSKY: Because I couldn`t get out -- there you go, Sheryl Lee is on my wife`s side on this. And I thought, got it, got it, got it. Check.
SANTAGATI: Those are --
RALPH: That`s it!
SANTAGATI: But, no, Sheryl -- hold on, Sheryl. You zip it.
RALPH: That`s not extenuating circumstances.
SANTAGATI: They are.
RALPH: That`s not extenuating circumstances. Most people believe the toilet seat should be down.
RALPH: Yes. Thank you, Dr. Drew. Thank you, Dr. Drew.
SANTAGATI: First of all --
RALPH: And thank your wife for falling in for all of us women. God bless her.
SANTAGATI: If it`s my house and I own a house or I`m renting the house, the toilet is up if I want it to be up and it`s down if I want it to be. And that`s it.
RALPH: That`s if you own the house and you`re not sharing it with anybody.
SANTAGATI: Did I look like I`m done?
RALPH: If you`re sharing it with somebody --
SANTAGATI: It doesn`t matter.
RALPH: -- and that somebody is special to you, then you consider everybody`s feelings.
SANTAGATI: Vice versa.
RALPH: You do what`s right for both people.
SANTAGATI: Why don`t you put the toilet seat up when you`re done? If you`re being considerate, use your own philosophy, put the toilet seat up.
RALPH: There`s no reason for us to put the toilet seat up.
SANTAGATI: Yes, it is. For me.
RALPH: Don`t be rude. Be nice. There`s no need to put the toilet seat down. How disgusting it looks with the toilet seat up.
PINSKY: Sheryl, my goodness. I would like to bring -- can we get a caller in line? I could bring a little viewer mix in here.
There`s Amy in Indiana.
Amy, what do you got for us?
AMY, CALLER FROM INDIANA: Well, these guys are hilarious.
PINSKY: They are. But I`m hoping you bail me out. Go ahead.
AMY: My thing is, been married for 28 years for the same man, and my thing is, you know, when you consistently tell your partner that you don`t like something and they continually do it.
AMY: Where do you go? I mean, we`ve had the conversation, what do you like, what do you not like? Wants like change over the years sexually. So we`ve had this conversation.
PINSKY: So you asked him to change. One thing about men -- Steve, back me up on this -- men don`t appreciate how much variety is important to women. Men like, once they get to what they like, they kind of stay there, for the most part.
SANTAGATI: For the most part. Maybe the sexual position or sexual things like that. But we like variety in other women, that kind of thing, yes.
PINSKY: The Chris Rock mentality.
SANTAGATI: No. Hold on. That`s true. But here`s the thing.
RALPH: But these folks have been married for 28 years.
SANTAGATI: But were you very specific, number one? Did you tell him exactly what you want? And did you treat him as a human being? Meaning, if he did what you wanted, you rewarded him?
PINSKY: Amy? Let`s ask her --
PINSKY: Did you try that?
AMY: Oh, yes. We`ve done that.
AMY: He remembers it once or twice, but then he goes back to the old way.
PINSKY: Without being too graphic, can you tell us specifically what he was doing or not doing.
AMY: There`s a penetration way I don`t like.
PINSKY: OK, fair enough. I mean, it seems he should be responsive.
SANTAGATI: H doesn`t care anymore. It`s been 28 years.
RALPH: Oh, what a horrible answer that is!
PINSKY: See, I`m with Sheryl Lee. He does care.
PINSKY: Well, but maybe they knee to rekindle things a little bit.
RALPH: Yes, they do.
PINSKY: Slow things down a little bit, spend a little more time with foreplay, which would be -- Amy, I`m not being funny. That`s dinner.
RALPH: Amy`s response was foreplay.
AMY: We don`t even go there. He`s a lost cause.
SANTAGATI: Now you know why I`m not married. You`ll be all right. Train that dog.
PINSKY: That`s what he`s talk about training the dog.
RALPH: Hope springs.
PINSKY: Chase in Texas -- Chase, what do you got for us?
CHASE, CALLER FROM TEXAS: Hey.
CHASE: I was going to agree with Sheryl Lee with the bathroom issue deal, leaving the toilet seat up or down or leaving the tour open perhaps. You know, it doesn`t matter if you own the place or not, but especially if you have a woman or lady staying in the house with you, you always have to keep the toilet seat down. Pick it up, use it, and then put it back down.
PINSKY: That`s Southern hospitality.
SANTAGATI: I don`t know. He`s just being nice. Somebody`s listening to his call.
PINSKY: I`m checking Twitter to see what people are saying about this. Nothing wrong with being nice.
RALPH: Nothing wrong with being nice.
PINSKY: All right. Thank you, Chase. Appreciate that.
All right. Let`s go to the next topic before we have to go to break. Oh, this is a good one. Maybe we should just sort of tease this one and go to break. What does the control room say to that? How about?
All right. This is tough. Sheryl Lee, Steve, why don`t you think about this. When your partner, female partner particularly, comes up to a male partner and says, well, either, (a), do I look fat, should you answer that honestly? Or, by the same token, if she has gained weight, to the point you`re concerned about her health, do you say anything?
Sheryl Lee, Steve, think about that. Yes. Is it ever OK to tell a woman she`s packing on the pounds? Back after this.
PINSKY: Welcome back.
It is our sex and relationship Wednesday. We`re taking a break in what has been a very difficult couple of weeks of difficult headlines and try to give you some information perhaps you could use and, again, take a deep breath and have a little fun here.
So before the break, I was asking the question of Steve and Sheryl Lee, should you tell your partner they are overweight, particularly if the partner is female -- Steve.
SANTAGATI: Well, just like judging the Olympics, you shouldn`t be able to judge dancing, swimming, or whether your partner is fat or not if you yourself are not in great shape.
SANTAGATI: However, if you look wonderful, then you should definitely tell her, just don`t say the "F-A-T" word. Tell her, this is what we`re going to do, we`re going to get you back in shape, we`re going to get exercising, and do stuff with her. If you love her, to motivate her to get healthy and clean up the refrigerator.
PINSKY: All right. Honest, those that accuse you of being uncaring - - Sheryl Lee doesn`t necessarily agree. I think Steve is coming from a good place, Sheryl Lee, which is that he is trying to be -- concerned about his partner`s health and then trying to support her to get better.
RALPH: I love that. Is Steve single? Is Steve single?
SANTAGATI: I am. Right now.
RALPH: And this is why Steve is single. You do not do these sort of things. If a woman looks at her partner and says, have I gained weight, do I look fat? She already knows she`s gained weight.
SANTAGATI: Right, exactly.
RALPH: She`s already looking fat to herself. What she`s looking to you for is love.
RALPH: She is looking for you to look at her and say, I`m loving you so much right now. I am loving you so much right now.
SANTAGATI: What world --
RALPH: Then you might ask her the question, have I gained any weight?
PINSKY: Let`s take note.
RALPH: Steve, don`t you bully me even just a little bit, Steve.
SANTAGATI: I`m not bullying you.
RALPH: You`re not a woman, Steve. You`re not a woman, Steve!
SANTAGATI: I don`t need to be a woman --
RALPH: Get it right!
SANTAGATI: Telling the truth and being honest with your partner means you don`t build up walls of lies.
RALPH: Oh, please! You`re a man and you`re talking about being honest with a woman. Be quiet, Steve!
SANTAGATI: Zip it.
RALPH: You sit there and lie to women all the time. Shut up, Steve.
PINSKY: Host, please. Thank you.
Give me the camera. Let`s go to another topic. Let`s see -- should a man -- well, what I wanted to talk about a minute ago, which was men who freak out about their partners out-earning them. Men flip out about that.
PINSKY: Well, Sheryl Lee is saying --
RALPH: They do.
PINSKY: OK. Now, what should we do with those guys?
SANTAGATI: They should man up, get out the woods. Even if a woman -- Sheryl, let me take a second.
RALPH: Go ahead, Steve.
SANTAGATI: You`re not at Thanksgiving at your family`s house.
RALPH: Go ahead.
SANTAGATI: So, here`s a deal --
RALPH: Steve, don`t talk about my family. You don`t know my family. You see how nice I am to you?
RALPH: Now, Dr. Drew, there is a line that says we must be equally yoked. So if I`m going to out-earn you, you must be able to match me in strength of character and personality.
PINSKY: Fair enough.
RALPH: You must not be --
PINSKY: Hold on, everybody. Steve agrees with you, Sheryl Lee. He agrees with you. This is a big moment.
RALPH: Thank you.
PINSKY: Let`s move on. How about the computer history?
SANTAGATI: Computer history?
PINSKY: Yes. Should you be checking one another`s computer?
SANTAGATI: No way! First of all, everything on the computer and everything on your phone is completely taken out of context. I say things on my phone, which is out in the lobby right now, God knows, and on the computer if somebody saw it, they would be like, oh, my God, I don`t consummate 99.5 percent of these relationships.
PINSKY: Sheryl Lee, I say you shouldn`t say anything on your phone or computer that you know would be hurtful or upsetting to your partner.
RALPH: (AUDIO GAP). But here`s the thing. What Steve just said makes a bit of sense. Very often things are taken completely out of context.
Now, if your man is on the computer going places, saying things to other people that you can read and he however walks away from it and you find it, one, think about why he walked away from it for you to find it and think about why he did it in the first place.
PINSKY: Take a call, Lisa in North Carolina -- Lisa. Lisa, are you there?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I hear what`s going on. I can hear it.
PINSKY: Christy in New York, are you there? We`re having phone problems.
Let`s go to twitter. Christy, you there for me?
CHRISTY, CALLER FROM NEW YORK: Yes.
PINSKY: There you are. Go ahead.
CHRISTY: I have a question about the weight issue.
PINSKY: OK, go.
CHRISTY: I`ve been married for five years and my husband has gained weight. I`ve told him time and time again that he needs to lose weight. I`m kind of not getting attracted to him anymore. How do I make him lose the weight?
SANTAGATI: Guys are brutal with each other. You can say, look, you`re fat. You`ve got to get to t together.
CHRISTY: I`ve done that. I`m brutally honest.
SANTAGATI: How long has it been since he`s been gaining weight?
CHRISTY: For years now.
SANTAGATI: Then you got to get rid of this guy. If he`s not willing to work on something, dump him. Do you have kids with him?
SANTAGATI: Oh, that`s a problem.
RALPH: Absolutely not. You do not -- you do not dump your partner.
PINSKY: I got your back. We`re going to keep this family together. I think something guys really respond to is when the woman goes that turns me off or that doesn`t turn me on. Those are statements that come through.
SANTAGATI: He doesn`t even turn himself on. Why do you think he`s gaining weight? Because he hates himself right now. He doesn`t feel sexy. He doesn`t feel masculine.
Something`s wrong. Whether it`s a job, and I`m not a psychiatrist or doctor, but I`m saying it`s got to be something wrong with his mojo.
SANTAGATI: Something is missing.
The other thing you want to do if you want to stay with this guy who`s lazy all these years, is just change the whole refrigerator. If he`s lazy, he`s going to eat whatever is in front of him. If there`s no cookies, crap and ice cream in the freezer and refrigerator, chances are you can bring down his weight.
PINSKY: All right. Now, I just want to switch back to our --
RALPH: I live -- I have a husband, and my husband recently lost --
SANTAGATI: Pour guy.
RALPH: -- fifty pounds.
PINSKY: Wow. Well done.
RALPH: Steve, if you were married to me, you`d be such a happy man. My husband recently lost 50 pounds.
PINSKY: How did he do it?
RALPH: It was because he just changed everything about his diet. First of all, I love my husband when he was 50 pounds heavier. I love my husband 50 pounds lighter.
But it was his -- it was his own decision. I couldn`t do it for him. He had to reach that point for himself. And I think, as partners, when you truly love someone you`ve got to love them through the good and the bad.
PINSKY: Sheryl, I like it.
RALPH: He will reach his point, especially if you look good.
PINSKY: I like what you`re saying. I`ve got to take a break. I`ll read something about the overweight issue from KKK0319. She says, "As a woman, I would want to know I`m getting fat."
So, there`s a woman who wants to know.
Got to take a break. More calls after the break.
PINSKY: And, as I`ve been saying all show, we`re taking a little breather in the middle of a week of difficult stories and difficult news and making it what we like to call our sex and relationship Wednesday.
This is really all up to you guys. You`ve got to call with your comments and questions, 855-DRDREW5. Also, 855-373-7395. So just come on in and let`s you all make the show what it need to be.
All right. Now, a bit of data here. According to "Esquire" magazine`s 2012 sex survey, I`m going to have Steve respond to this first - - 14 percent of married men say they`ve had at least one sexual encounter with another man.
SANTAGATI: Why would you even think I`d know how to comment on that? First of all, those guys are gay. But is the sexual encounter -- hold on. Let`s define sexual encounter. Does that mean walking in naked in the gym?
PINSKY: Snapping a towel.
SANTAGATI: If walking in the naked in the gym in the shower, I have also had a sexual encounter. I think they mean like making out or --
PINSKY: Yes, 14 percent. There are a lot of men who are on the DL who have difficulty coming to terms with their sexuality.
Sheryl Lee, you ring in on this. Would you be with a guy who`s got that history? Generally, my note, Sheryl Lee, is for people out there who are contemplating revealing every detail about how many sexual partners they`ve had.
Think about this aphorism if you can, that Carolla and I came up a long time ago, maybe more mystery, less history.
PINSKY: Just saying. But, Sheryl, you ring in.
RALPH: You know what? Nowadays, I believe in green footprint and I believe in a sexual footprint. So I really believe nowadays it`s important to have as much history as you possibly can. But I will say --
PINSKY: Hold on, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. So we`ve got to leave -- in addition to leaving our carbon footprint, we have to leave our sexual footprint, is that what you`re saying?
SANTAGATI: She`s not leaving.
PINSKY: Or not leaving.
RALPH: Oh, yes, absolutely, Dr. Drew, because too often you`re not just having sex with your partner, you`re having sex with everybody your partner has had sex with. So you really --
SANTAGATI: That`s not true.
RALPH: -- need to know your partner`s history. Too many people are coming up with sexual diseases that other people didn`t know they had.
PINSKY: And we`ve just moved through --
RALPH: That`s hard.
PINSKY: AIDS awareness is very important. Before you call me out, I want to give you a reminder: you have a great point, safe sex is important. When I got up to the radio, is to really advocate about that.
And just to say, you know, HIV now is something that a lot of people are living with for decades and there`s a lot of people with the condition. So, it`s something to keep in mind. But I said what, Sheryl Lee? What did I say?
RALPH: Absolutely. You said something some time ago on one of the other shows when we were discussing, you know, what happens, a lot of men have had a sexual encounter with another man, not because it was a loving encounter. A lot of people within a certain group have had relationships because they`ve been preyed upon.
SANTAGATI: It`s called prison.
PINSKY: Not just prison.
RALPH: So anybody --
PINSKY: What other cultures call sexual violence, sexual violence against children.
SANTAGATI: Yes, but that`s not what "Esquire" is talking about. "Esquire" magazine is talking about men who willingly had sex with some other guy, this 14 percent. I hope your husband is not in the 14 percent, because wouldn`t that change the way you look at him if you thought maybe, you know?
RALPH: Well, Steve --
SANTAGATI: Yes or no? Yes or no?
RALPH: Steve, I`m going to pray for you.
SANTAGATI: She`s not answering the question.
RALPH: God love him, I`ll pray for you, Steve. Honestly, when we talk about this, whatever of "Esquire" says about that 14 percent, there is definitely a group in there sleeping with things because they want to know, they`re experimenting. But there are an awful lot of them being preyed upon, whether it`s some child molestation or whether it`s from other things.
PINSKY: You`re right.
Quickly, Cynthia in South Carolina, we got less than 30 seconds, can you ring in here?
CYNTHIA, CALLER FROM SOUTH CAROLINA: Sure.
PINSKY: Go ahead.
CYNTHIA: I was with a man that was with men prior to me, but none of his friends knew this, no one knows this about him except me. After our relationship, he was with other men as well. What was the deal?
PINSKY: He was probably gay and he was struggling with his sexuality and trying to sort of figure out -- many different reasons for that. He could be somewhat bisexual, could have difficulty coming to terms with his sexuality or could be unclear about his sexuality. But it doesn`t --
CYNTHIA: He was always with a lot of men and all of his friends knew him as that.
PINSKY: Well, there`s also -- listen, one of the things, Cynthia, happens is when people -- as Sheryl Lee was talking about, if there`s sexual violence in childhood, sexual addiction sometimes comes on later, and it becomes men and women at that point, so who knows what was going on.
Steve, thank you. Sheryl Lee, thank you. It`s great to have you guys.
Next up, a question -- would you get involved with someone who has baggage from previous relationships? I`m going to find out what you mean by baggage even. We`ll address it. Go on over to HLNTV.com/DrDrew for more on the stories you see tonight.
Be back after this.
PINSKY: Welcome back. Now, what kind of baggage, so to speak, is a turnoff? I want to hear what you guys even think baggage is, what we mean by that. Particularly, what you might avoid when you`re looking for a new relationship.
Joining me, Marni Kinrys, thank you, who is called the ultimate wing girl and a men`s dating coach. I also have Matt Titus. And Matt, I`m going to ask you -- Matt is a dating coach as well. And, what do you think -- or what do men think about a woman who has -- well, I hate to call this baggage, but what about kids?
MATT TITUS, DATING COACH: Well, you know, an instant family is very hard for a man to deal with. It actually depends on his past experiences, you know, with his children. If he`s had children before and they`ve been, you know, delinquent and they`ve been awful, you know, him jumping into a new family with, you know, two or three kids that, you know, are attached to a woman he loves might be a real difficult task for him.
TITUS: But if he`s had a great experience with, you know, couple kids that he`s raised, you know, on his own, you know, he`d love to have an instant family again. So, I think it`s pretty individualized, you know?
PINSKY: So, Marni, if a male -- for a man, kids are baggage. What do women look at as baggage in terms of what a guy brings? Is it history of alcoholism? Is it --
MARNI KINRYS, RELATIONSHIP EXPERT: Well, probably.
PINSKY: Is it mental health? Is it taking medication? Is it having high blood pressure?
KINRYS: Well, for every individual it`s different, right? I`m going to be something different as baggage than my girl friends are going to view. And I actually just had a blog written about that.
KINRYS: It`s like how to bring up sticky topics on a date, like, they have kids or I was divorced, whatever the sticky topic may be. It really is for women the way that you present the topic.
PINSKY: How do you do it?
KINRYS: So, instead of saying, I have to tell you something, I have kids, but I really enjoy being with you and I`m sorry I didn`t tell you before. That`s not a good way. So, instead, what you say --
TITUS: That`s awful.
KINRYS: Exactly. It`s horrible. Instead, you would say, you know what, I love my daughter. She`s so amazing. I love going to the park with her. I love taking her for trip --
PINSKY: Just slip it in.
KINRYS: Slip it in. And then, at that point, like for me, I`d be thinking, I can`t wait to carpool with her, it`s going to be fantastic. So, it`s just presenting the situations in a better light.
PINSKY: Let`s take some calls. Michael in Louisiana. Michael, you got something for us?
MICHAEL, LOUISIANA: Yes. I just wanted to say I don`t like when a woman tries to stay connected with a man after she through with it, you know, in a new relationship, and then she want the next man, I don`t like that.
PINSKY: Michael, I`m with you, my friend. I think that, you know, if --
PINSKY: By the -- so, is there a specific example, Michael, you have in mind? Is something happen to you recently?
MICHAEL: Yes. The woman that I`m trying to date now wants the man that she used to date to be a friend of hers, be a friend of ours, and I can`t see it.
PINSKY: That drives men crazy.
KINRYS: Yes, of course.
PINSKY: Go ahead, Matt.
TITUS: That never works. That never works. When there`s a sexual history and there`s been chemistry before, it really doesn`t go away. And the new guy, he`s the one that has the problems trying to accept it. Oh, these guys are just friends and everything is OK. No man can really accept that too well. I don`t think women do either.
KINRYS: OK. I don`t know if I should barge in --
PINSKY: Please barge.
KINRYS: But the thing is it`s like -- it`s not that no man can ever handle having that situation, it`s like you have to learn how to handle that situation and talk with the person --
PINSKY: Men -- it drives men crazy and women go, oh, you don`t trust me, you don`t trust me. We don`t really have anything.
KINRYS: Well, that`s different. That`s a different way of bringing up the conversation. If you are in a great relationship and you want to work on having that relationship, there are certain conversations that you should be having with your significant other about expectations.
Doesn`t mean that she should be going shoe shopping with this friend every Friday and then sleeping over at his house, that`s not acceptable.
PINSKY: Oh, that`s not. OK. Michael, what is your --
TITUS: Someone is a little bit of an idealist here. I don`t know who that might be.
TITUS: But I would say that, actually, there`s a way to do it. And if it`s the three of you, if it`s the wife, her old boyfriend and the new boyfriend and they sit down together and they do everything they need to get acquainted, that could possibly work. But any other way, her spending time with him without the new guy --
PINSKY: No. No go. I`m with you.
KINRYS: I`m completely agree with that.
PINSKY: Mary in Kentucky -- Mary. Hi, Mary.
MARY, KENTUCKY: I believe that too much of baggage is like emotional baggage. It could be like physical baggage trauma from childhood --
PINSKY: Oh, there you go.
MARY: -- sexual abuse.
PINSKY: Oh, that`s interesting.
MARY: Different things like that.
PINSKY: So, you don`t like someone that`s a project?
MARY: Excuse me?
PINSKY: You don`t like anybody that would be a project?
MARY: Right. Exactly.
TITUS: Everyone is a project.
PINSKY: It`s interesting.
KINRYS: I was going to say, everybody has some sort of baggage that you may or may not have to deal with, and it depends on who you are and what your history is whether or not you can deal with what that person has to offer for their baggage and for their pros and cons.
PINSKY: And if somebody`s --
TITUS: It`s always --
PINSKY: Go ahead, Matt.
TITUS: I think it`s always -- sorry. I think it`s always about if the pros are outweighing the cons. I mean --
TITUS: -- are you happy with this person more than 70 percent of the time? Because if you are, then they`re a keeper. If it`s under 70, you`ve got to throw them out.
PINSKY: Did the control room ask me to go to tease next or do I have another call up next? OK. Next stuff, all right, here we go. We`re going to get some calls lined up for the next segment.
We`ll start the next segment talking about toys and role-playing and fantasy and how do you bring those sorts of things in or do you ever want to bring those things in or what do you do if someone tries to bring those things in. Again, the number, 855-373-7395, after the break.
PINSKY: Back with me, dating relationship expert, Marni Kinrys, author of "Ten Mistakes Men Make With Women And How To Avoid Them" and also dating coach and relationship expert, Matt Titus.
Now, to both of you, how many of your clients are looking for a new relationship because -- well, let me refrain it -- ask it differently. How many relationships fail because there`s no sexual chemistry, because that fizzles out?
KINRYS: A lot.
KINRYS: Yes. Very common.
PINSKY: Matt, common?
TITUS: Very, very common. That`s a major component of keeping people together.
KINRYS: And it does just mean sex. That means like being sexual, being connected --
PINSKY: Intimate. Being physically intimate, being you know, close physically as well as --
TITUS: No. It means sex. It`s sex. It`s sex.
KINRYS: Fine. For women, that is what it means. But for a lot of women, sex is very important. It`s like the primary thing that`s very important. For some women, it is not the primary thing. For me, emotional connection is way more important.
PINSKY: It has -- sex, though, has a way of creating renewal and energy and passion in relationship. We all agree with that? Right, Matt, yes?
TITUS: Yes. I mean, it`s the fabric that keeps people connected, and it should happen at least two to three times a week, even when you don`t feel like doing it. You have to just start.
KINRYS: I totally agree with you.
KINRYS: We were just having that conversation in the greenroom. You have to, even if your husband says, let`s have sex, and you go, I don`t want to, I have to wake up at six o`clock tomorrow morning. You say, absolutely we`re going to have sex right now and enjoy it.
TITUS: And once you start it, it starts to feel really good.
KINRYS: Yes! Of course.
TITUS: Tactile stimulation will change the mood, and it will work.
KINRYS: Of course.
PINSKY: All right. Take a call. Katrina in Louisiana -- Katrina.
KATRINA, LOUISIANA: Yes. I`ve been with him for 12 years. We tried to have sex twice. It didn`t work.
KINRYS: It didn`t work. Was it broken?
KATRINA: We didn`t fit. We didn`t fit. But you know what? We`ve been together 12 years and we love each other. I let him get on the Facebook and the computer and read magazines and he leaves me alone, and we just have a good time.
KINRYS: Sounds like you`re best friends.
TITUS: You guys don`t know what you`re missing!
KINRYS: That sounds interesting as long as you don`t (ph) want anything more.
PINSKY: But if you really listen carefully to Katrina, there are interesting things here. One is this is an enlightened woman who is not bothered by her boyfriend being in the world of porn.
PINSKY: And then spending his time there as opposed to with her.
KATRINA: Let him watch pictures.
PINSKY: OK. It`s certainly healthier in terms of transmission of diseases and things.
PINSKY: But Katrina, how old are you?
KATRINA: I`m 56.
PINSKY: OK. And how old is he?
PINSKY: Fifty-eight. So, it drive goes down a little bit in our 50s. And you know, one of the things I would like to point out, particularly for women is that hormone replacement, if it`s appropriate. Again, it`s controversial whether it is can significantly restore sexual drive and receptivity.
And don`t forget, if you do think of hormone replacement, testosterone is a critical piece of that, because testosterone that creates drive and desire in all of us, men and women. And when the ovaries shut down, the testosterone as well as the estrogen goes away.
KATRINA: But we`re happy.
PINSKY: Listen, it`s working for you, my dear. I say, you keep going. Matt, go ahead.
TITUS: They don`t know what they`re missing.
KINRYS: But maybe they do. I`m sure they`ve had sex before.
TITUS: I mean, it`s a whole different type of relationship. It`s an emotional connection without a physical one. So, they don`t know any better. Well, maybe that`s --
KINRYS: Are you saying you never had sex with your significant other?
PINSKY: Twice and that was it.
KINRYS: Twice in the past -
PINSKY: Twelve years.
KINRYS: -- it didn`t work?
KINRYS: OK. That is not what I heard. I thought it was try it twice in the past year and it didn`t work.
TITUS: They`re best friends.
KINRYS: They are best friends.
TITUS: They`re best friends that allow each other to become sexually aroused through other sources. This is not a real marriage.
PINSKY: What Matt is saying is they`re both so happy they don`t know how miserable they are. Eric in Los Angeles. Eric, what`s going on?
KINRYS: I was going to say, one in (ph) the real marriage.
ERIC, LOS ANGELES: Yes. Thanks for having me on the show. Big fan.
ERIC: And, I want to say sexual chemistry is like absolutely essential. I absolutely agree with the point, otherwise, you really are just good friends. And I like the key being communication.
If you`re not communicating, you really don`t know if you`ve reached your full potential, if you`re satisfying one another or not. And I really like -- that`s at the heart of every single relationship, physical, or otherwise.
PINSKY: All right. Fair enough.
TITUS: What I --
PINSKY: Let`s get Abby in Nebraska. Let`s get some calls here, Matt. Hold on a second. I`m going to put you on hold there. Abby, go ahead. Abby in Nebraska.
ABBY, NEBRASKA: Hi.
ABBY: I was calling about the toys, like incorporating that into sex.
PINSKY: Yes, that was supposed to be our topic, but go right ahead. I`m glad you got us there. Go right ahead.
ABBY: So, I`m interested in adding that into my relationship, but I`m not really sure how to go about it. Like if I should surprise him with something like that or if I should have a discussion. I don`t really -- I mean, I guess, I don`t really know how to bring it up.
PINSKY: OK. It`s a great question. Yes. I`m going to have each of you answer this. I`m going to Matt first and then Marni. Matt, go ahead.
TITUS: I think you have to make sure that he feels like a man, and this supplement -- supplement, not the main thing, he`s the main thing -- would really make you feel great. The combination of his power and his body and this little mechanical thing would take you to places that you`ve never been.
TITUS: And you know, what do you think about that?
PINSKY: Got it. Don`t let him feel threatened. And how should she bring it in, though? She just sort of pull it out from under the covers?
KINRYS: She`s like, all right, look what I`ve got for tonight. Here it is.
PINSKY: And you wouldn`t go to something extreme right from the top, right? Something a little bit --
KINRYS: No. Like a sledgehammer --
PINSKY: No. No sledgehammer.
KINRYS: That probably wouldn`t be a good idea.
PINSKY: You guys, I`ve got to take a break. Matt, Marni, thank you so much for joining us. It is now time for HLN`s election coverage, "Our Country Votes."
Today is the day that health insurance must start paying for birth control for some women. We asked what you think, and Susan writes to us, "Absolutely should be covered. Viagra is covered for old men." How dare you.
Gab Cam, "The only way to force people to be responsible with new generations."
And I would urge you to take a look at how that law now applies that it`s going to be phased in over the next year in such a way that there will be no co-pays for almost anyone with insurance or with coverage for birth control, and hopefully, people will taking advantage of those safe guards.
Stay tuned to HLN for the latest "Our Country Votes," and we will be right back.
PINSKY: All right. I want to encourage you to call in. We are at 855-373-7395. I want to talk to you in whatever topic you like to put on the table. I`m ready to deal with it. Melissa in South Carolina, what`s up?
MELISSA, SOUTH CAROLINA: Yes. I was just informed that, you know -- my husband -- you think everything is OK, and then, all of a sudden, you`re hit with something really hard and you find out that your husband finds out that there was surgery done back then and there were complications and they were born with both parts and it just kind of crumbles the relationship. It`s a hard hit.
PINSKY: Whoa, whoa, Melissa, slow your roll. Slow your roll. How old are you?
MELISSA: I`m 39.
PINSKY: And how old is your husband?
PINSKY: Do you guys have kids?
MELISSA: No. He does. It was said that they kept the female part --
PINSKY: Melissa, just slow down. Slow down. Does he have kids?
PINSKY: OK. So, he`s a male. He is capable to conceive children. He is a male.
PINSKY: Period, end of story. Melissa, what you`re describing is something called ambiguous genitalia, which is very common. Children are sometimes born with things that are sort of in between male and female and there are surgeries that can kind of enhance the direction that the genetics require.
It`s very common. It, you know, sewing things up or putting things in the right position. It`s common. It`s called ambiguous genitalia. It means nothing. As you see, your husband can conceive. He`s a male. Why does this hit you so hard?
MELISSA: Because you think that -- you know, it makes you feel like you`re a lesbian.
PINSKY: Melissa, Melissa, Melissa, he`s a male. He has a common condition that happens in childhood. It`s ambiguous genitalia. He`s a male, OK?
MELISSA: So, why was it kept so secretly?
PINSKY: No secret. Maybe they just didn`t want to bug him with it or maybe they never thought to tell him. Maybe the parents were ashamed they didn`t know how common -- I mean, back, you know, 40 years ago, maybe people felt a little more ashamed of birth defects and things, but it`s nothing, means nothing. Zero, kaput. It`s a nothing, OK?
PINSKY: All right. Fair enough. Jax in Georgia -- Jax.
JAX, GEORGIA: Yes.
PINSKY: What do you got?
JAX: My question here is, why is it my wife will want to hold back sexual relationship with me for more than three months?
PINSKY: Because you`ve been a bad boy. What did you do to make her do that? What`s happening?
JAX: Well, I tell you one thing, I love my wife.
JAX: My wife is a very excellent, educated, sound-minded woman. And then, we -- she just tells me I am not giving you sex until I`m ready.
PINSKY: OK. Is she OK? Is there some reason? Is there something between you two? Has she been complaining -- more often than not, in my experience, it`s because you`re not attending to the relationship. So, let me just give a little primmer on that. You know, women will complain about that and men don`t hear it.
It sounds like -- remember Charlie Brown`s teacher, it was just a trumpet -- that`s what men hear. When the women are saying that there`s something you`re not attending to in the relationship, I urge you to pay attention, because they have very good instincts about that, and your relationship is important.
You need nurture (INAUDIBLE) needs support and you need to spend time working on it. And guess what, the sexual component comes along very nicely if the intimacy is being supported. And really, when it comes to intimacy, emotional intimacy is where people find meaning and happiness. More calls after the break.
PINSKY: Before I get back to the phones, I just want to read a Twitter from Lady Bluebird 7 says, "Watching Drew show now. Right now, he`s talking about ambiguous genitalia. Is that kind of like the character "Pat" from "Saturday Night Live" from SNL?" No, it`s not like that. Pat was just generally ambiguous.
Ambiguous genitalia is something that kids are born with, not uncommonly. It kind of -- you know, there`s sort of -- genetically, we can say this is a male or female and we fix the ambiguous genitalia. And when they grow up, you cannot -- they`re all male or they`re all female. Take this from me here. Thank you. Yes. Well done. Thank you.
All right. Joining me on the phone now, Darrel. Now, Darrel has been practicing what he calls non-orgasmic sex for the last eight years. Darrell, tell me about this. I`m confused. You`ve been married 29 years and what is it you`re doing?
VOICE OF DARRYL KEIL, PRACTICES NON-ORGASMIC SEX: When we engage -- I`m here. can you hear me?
PINSKY: I got you. Go right ahead.
KEIL: OK. When we engage in sexuality, when we have sex, neither one of us orgasm.
PINSKY: And the reason for that?
KEIL: The reason for that is, we have experienced that we find it to be more pleasurable and we have more of an interest in engaging sexually. And, we also experience that it creates a more bonded, harmonious connection between the two of us.
PINSKY: OK. And is this -- just so I understand -- that`s all great. Are you on medication or is she on any medication? Just so I understand.
KEIL: No, not at all. Neither one of us.
KEIL: I`m 57 and she`s 53.
PINSKY: OK. So, it`s probably easier to carry out that kind of behavior when you`re in your sixth and seventh decade of life as opposed to 17 or 20 or, you know, whatever, when that would be a taller order, I suppose. But great, fine.
You get to experience -- in fact, Simone Bienne who comes on the show all the time always talks about really engaging in that kind of physical connection as a way of improving function of all types. So, hats off to you.
Tamara in Indiana. Tamara, what do you got?
TAMARA, INDIANA: Hi. I have a question.
PINSKY: Go ahead.
TAMARA: I have been with my fiance for like three years.
TAMARA: And I don`t want to have sex with him. When he comes to ask me, I say no.
PINSKY: How old are you?
TAMARA: I`m 26. I`ve had seven surgeries and I`m 26 years old.
PINSKY: What are the surgeries?
TAMARA: I just don`t want to do anything with him.
PINSKY: Tamara, Tamara, what are the surgeries?
PINSKY: What are the surgeries?
TAMARA: After I had my first daughter, I had hernia surgery. I had a D & C because I lost my fist child.
TAMARA: And I`ve had gallbladder surgery.
PINSKY: Are you on pain medication now?
PINSKY: OK. That`s why you don`t want to have sex. Opiates can completely shut you down.
TAMARA: Well, see, if I`m not even on any pain medication, I don`t want to do anything with him.
PINSKY: I understand, but you`re on pain medicine most of the time. And if you`re not on pain medicine, you`re coming off it which doesn`t feel very good either. Tamara, this is a much bigger deal, why you`ve had all these operations? Why you feel so averse with your fiance? Why you`re strung out -- I know you`re strung out, but why you`re taking opiates all the time?
And that`s very common. I tell you one thing for people (INAUDIBLE) is if somebody`s had a traumatic experience in child birth or the D&C with an abortion or miscarriage, oftentimes they can be aversive to their partner. I`ve seen that over and again. It takes quite a bit to get the back end of that frame of feeling close so they don`t get exposed to that vulnerability again.
Thank you all for calling. Thank you all for watching. I`ll see you next time, and, guess what, what starts after me? None other than Nancy Grace.