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Ask Dr. Ruth About Sex
Aired August 29, 2012 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DR. DREW PINSKY, HOST: Warning: we will be using words like penis, vagina, masturbate. As a doctor, I use these all the time talking to patients. But not on television, they weren`t so commonly heard.
Then came a woman who changed the came, Dr. Ruth Westheimer. This senior citizen as educator got us all talking about sex and that was a good thing. At 84 years of age, Dr. Ruth is truly a living legend and leader of sex therapists.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to "Good Sex" with Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
CALLER: Is this weird?
DR. RUTH WESTHEIMER: Nothing. Let me tell you something, nothing is weird.
PINSKY: In fact, she laid the ground work for shows like mine.
ANNOUNCER: Dr. Drew Pinsky.
PINSKY: It`s sex and relationship Wednesdays, and Dr. Ruth is here with me now. We`re taking your calls so fire away.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY: Well, welcome to the program. Those of you who watch regularly know that this is what we call S&R or sex and relationship Wednesday. We are delighted to welcome to the program Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
Dr. Ruth, thank you so much for joining us.
WESTHEIMER: You`re welcome.
PINSKY: You`ve obviously paved the way for the rest of us to have these important conversations in the public media. But I`ve got -- first of all, I want to know about you, before we get into questions and other people`s questions. I want to hear about you.
Tell us about your first time, Dr. Ruth.
WESTHEIMER: You know better! You know that I would never tell you that! Maybe if I would be able to hold your hand, to have a nice conversation over a glass of wine, maybe if I would know you better I might know about that.
Otherwise, on CNN, on worldwide television? Never. Next question, please.
PINSKY: Fair enough. Fair enough. As you know, you`re in control of the questions.
But let -- I was hoping to get into something off of that topic and maybe you`ll be able to frame it and answer it this way. What motivated you to get so heavily into this topic before everybody else? I thought maybe you had some own personal experiences where, for instance, you wish someone had educated you at a certain time in your life.
WESTHEIMER: Stuff about the personal experiences, but I was very fortunate. When I did my doctorate on a research study that I did for Planned Parenthood, in those days, nobody talked about it, like you said, Drew. Nobody talked about contraception. Nobody talked about premature ejaculation or women who didn`t have orgasms.
I was very fortunate. I then was trained by Dr. Helen Singer-Kaplan at Cornell. I worked with her for seven years. And I was fortunate that I did get a radio program and I did that for ten years on WYNY, NBC radio, doing exactly what you are doing, answering questions and talking about topics that today and then were of great importance.
For example, when I started on the radio, nobody knew about AIDS.
WESTHEIMER: And I had to learn about AIDS myself first. But I already knew about responsible relationships. I already knew about using condoms when you don`t want to be parents. So I was fortunate I was at the right place at the right time.
And then there is something else, too. I do have a lot what is called chutzpah. Chutzpah means nerve. I knew I had to talk about these topics in a very explicit way in order for people to I`m serious, I`m old- fashioned and a square, but I speak, as you said, very openly.
And the other point is, it was the most important time in the early `80s and lots of people had questions, like they still have questions today.
The other thing is, in order to tell you one thing that is personal, I came out of Nazi Germany. I was an orphan at the age of 10 1/2, lived in an orphanage in Switzerland. Then I lived in then-Palestine that became Israel. And then I came here, went to Paris first to study and came here.
The one thing about me that you, Drew, have to know is, since I`m one of those fortunate German-Jewish people who survived while 1,500,000 children did not survive, there is something that I knew I have to make a dent with my life in order to prove to myself that there`s a reason why I`m around.
Now, I did not know that we`d be talking about orgasms with you, but I knew that I had to learn something that would make life for many people easier. And that`s what happened when I talk about relationships and when I talk about sex, and when I write a lot of books about it.
PINSKY: Excellent. Thank you so much.
WESTHEIMER: Want to see a cover of a book?
PINSKY: Sure. Then we`ll go to calls.
WESTHEIMER: The latest, "Sexually Speaking," Drew, what every woman has to know about sex. But I want you, Drew, and all the then out there, your listeners, I want them to read it too. OK?
PINSKY: Fair enough. We certainly need a lot of instruction. The male is like a hamster on the wheel and woman is like a flight deck of a 747. Each plane is different which makes us really confused sometimes.
Let`s go out to the calls, Doctor. Let`s talk to Suzy in Texas. Suzy, what do you have for us?
SUZY, CALLER FROM TEXAS: Well, I married my husband -- ex-husband -- when I just turned 20. I was very naive. Now, about eight years ago, he - - we were married seven years. He came out of the closet eight or nine years ago that he was gay.
You know, when he came out, it didn`t surprise me. And I thought, well, why didn`t I think about that back then? Duh, it should have crossed my mind.
And it really worries me and I wanted to know what Dr. Ruth thinks about these young women that are getting chastity rings and giving their chastity to their fathers to look after and everything of. And having had my experience, that just turns my stomach --
PINSKY: So, Suzy, let me interrupt you. I want to make sure we`re hearing your question right. Your question is you`ve been confused in relationships and you`re wondering about chastity commitments and whether or not the parents should be looking after the chastity? Is that the question?
SUZY: Right. And why chastity is such an important thing because I know I --
PINSKY: That`s a clear question. Let`s stay with that, Suzy.
Dr. Ruth, chastity and modesty, do those have a role in female sexuality today?
WESTHEIMER: No question. It depends on your morality. It depends on your values. It depends on your religious upbringing.
But Suzy`s situation does happen now more often than in the past, that a partner -- it can also be a woman, not just a man -- after some years says, this is not my sexual preference, I really would like to have a person of my own gender to be involved with.
In previous years, we didn`t hear so much about that, Drew, because it was more in the closet. Fortunately, as I`m happy as it is for those involved -- fortunately, in this great country of ours, it is easier today to be able to say "I am homosexual," "I do like members of my own sex."
And I have said even in the `80s, I said to young people, make sure you go to a large city, make sure you go to a large university where there are people and group that are like you. So for somebody who decides that after marriage, like in Suzy`s case, my first question to Suzy, do you have children?
PINSKY: Suzy, I`ve got to interrupt you. We`ll get back to your call. We`ve got to take a break right now.
Dr. Ruth, stay right there. We`re going to finish this call. We`re going to continue sex and relationship Wednesday.
And also I`ve got a couple of favorites from other previous S&R shows to join us.
I want to remind people that we haven`t forgotten about the people out in Louisiana and Florida with tropical storm Isaac still raging. We`ll check in with one of our callers from yesterday, get a Skype report there on the ground. You can see the storm has stalled out over New Orleans. It`s something we`re going to continue to report about throughout the day and undoubtedly tomorrow as well. So, we`ll see how the storm is going.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WESTHEIMER: He`s going to say to this wife of had his, hop into bed because I just paid for this Viagra pill, and look at the erection that I have. He didn`t do the dishes last night. He didn`t bring her flowers. Seriously speaking, the relationship might not be like it should be.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY: Back with the iconic Dr. Ruth Westheimer answering your questions on our sex and relationship Wednesday. We are finishing up with Suzy.
Suzy, are you still there? Suzy? My caller Suzy still there?
WESTHEIMER: The important thing for Suzy --
PINSKY: Go ahead, Dr. Ruth --
WESTHEIMER: The important thing for Suzy is to know that there`s nothing that she did wrong. These problems do occur, and she should go to a therapist and then she should go out and find herself a new relationship.
PINSKY: Fantastic. Yes, it does happen a lot. I`m with you, Dr. Ruth. Encourage people to be very honest about their sexuality because there`s tons of support out there. Tons of it. So find people who have been through what you`re going through. Don`t go it alone.
Amy in Indiana. Amy?
AMY, CALLER FROM INDIANA: Hi, Dr. Drew, Dr. Ruth, I`m so excited to talk to both of you.
PINSKY: I`ve been married for 28 years. My husband and I tend to go through cycles. We`ve done this for years, where -- you know, he`s in the mood, I`m not, I`m in the mood and he`s not, and then we both have and we both are, we both won`t be. Is that normal?
And then the other question is, why is it that a woman`s vagina is it like a magnet to a man`s hands? There`s no other part of her body that exists? That`s it.
PINSKY: Dr. Ruth, I`m fascinated to know if you and I will have a different way of looking at this. But you go. Have at it.
WESTHEIMER: First of all, wonderful that you have a good sexual relationship. Sometimes if you don`t feel aroused, if you don`t feel sexually aroused at the same time, I tell you a secret, give him an orgasm. It takes two minutes. It`s not a big deal. Give him an orgasm.
If he only touches your vagina and forgets about your nose and forgets about your breasts, you have to teach him. You have to take his hand and you have to show him what you need on your belly, on your behind. Show it to him. Don`t expect him to know it by himself.
PINSKY: Ruth, we`ve got to drop pa pamphlets to women across America of your sage advice.
But the other thing -- Amy, I would say the reason he goes right there is, one of the big mistakes -- Dr. Ruth, you ring in if you think this is true -- men and women assume that what they want is the same as what their partner wants. And men typically want their female partner to go pretty much right where the action is so he assumes that`s where you want him to go. Dr. Ruth says, you need to educate him about how the female erotic responsiveness works. Yes?
WESTHEIMER: And that it takes a woman a longer time to be up on the curve of sexual arousal. Don`t make a big hesitation about it. Don`t talk about it. Take his hand and show him what you need. You have to take the risk to show him what is needed for you to have an orgasm. OK?
PINSKY: I think she`s got it. Tiffany in Oklahoma. Tiffany, you got something for us?
TIFFANY, CALLER FROM OKLAHOMA: Hi, Dr. Drew. I`ve been married for five years and I`ve been separated for about a year and a half now. Now, I`m in a new relationship and I`m wanting to know, like, why is it that I can`t orgasm with my new partner?
PINSKY: Dr. Ruth?
WESTHEIMER: OK. I cannot answer that. I would have to have you here. And I would have to ask you many questions. But I have to tell you one thing that I think, if I can just take a guess. Maybe you still think about that first relationship. Maybe you`re still upset that that didn`t work.
So my suggestion to you is to make sure that you`re relaxed, make sure that you concentrate on the thought of the new relationship and not bring the old relationship into bed with you. Maybe sometimes what helps is a glass of wine. Now, just came out with a wine called Vin d`Amour, wine of love, it has only 6 percent of alcohol.
Drink it because it will help you to relax. The best thing would be if you both drink it. Good luck.
PINSKY: One quick thing I`ve got to ask our previous caller. Are you taking any medications? In this day and age, it`s as simple as that.
TIFFANY: Well, I`m not taking any medication. I`ve tried like (INAUDIBLE)--
PINSKY: No, no, are you taking any medication that could be blocking your libido?
PINSKY: No new birth control pills?
PINSKY: OK. People often don`t think about that, but medication and birth control can very much get in the way of sexual arousal and orgasmic function.
OK. Let`s go to Roland in California. Roland, what do you got?
WESTHEIMER: Drew --
PINSKY: Hang a second, Roland, Dr. Ruth wants to make a comment. Go ahead, Dr. Ruth.
WESTHEIMER: I want to make a comment to Drew. Drew, there is why it`s fantastic that you -- I did my homework on you -- you are a medical doctor and that you can right away ask about medication. For me, I would have to say, go and see a medical doctor, go and see a gynecologist.
WESTHEIMER: That`s a wonderful way of your combining the issue of medication and sexual arousal.
PINSKY: I appreciate that. Thank you, Dr. Ruth. And, Roland, go ahead there, my man.
ROLAND, CALLER FROM CALIFORNIA: OK, fantastic. Pleasure, Dr. Ruth, to speak with you.
And what I have to say is, as Romance Awareness Month comes to an end, I often suggest to a couple they should have intimacy daily to stay connected to maintain a healthy relationship. What are your thoughts?
PINSKY: Romance awareness month? Tell us a little bit about that before you answer your call. What was that?
WESTHEIMER: Very nice. Very nice. I wouldn`t say daily, but I would say maybe every other day, but very nice because that keeps the relationship going. Bravo. I`m very glad you had a male caller. Good luck to you.
PINSKY: Roland, what did you say about romance and relationship month? Tell me about that.
ROLAND: Yes, August is romance awareness month and it`s an excellent time for a lot of couples to reconnect where it`s not like Valentine`s Day where you have the one day. Kind of reconnecting with your partner and it happens for the whole month of August.
PINSKY: All right.
PINSKY: Thanks for the call.
WESTHEIMER: Especially when --
PINSKY: Go ahead.
WESTHEIMER: Especially when it`s hot and you can sleep naked. Wonderful.
PINSKY: Especially when you can sleep naked. So those are the -- years of training.
Dr. Ruth, stay right there. We`ll get more to these calls and more of Dr. Ruth. Plus two of my sex and relationship favorites Siggy and Emily are standing by to join us.
Later, of course, I`m going to check in with Gerard Braud, who was on our show last night to hear the latest about hurricane Isaac. There he was from last night. Hopefully we can understand what it`s really like there on the ground from him. Be right back.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WESTHEIMER: The desire for sex, even for somebody like you, Tucker, is a very strong.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Almost out of control, Dr. Ruth. Almost really.
WESTHEIMER: I would like Washington to have condoms in all colors. How about an orange one like my new sweater?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY: This is sex and relationship Wednesday, and we are privileged to have Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
Now, joining us as well Siggy Flicker, a matchmaker and host of VH1`s "Why Am I Single?" And Emily Morse, sex expert, and star of Bravo`s "Miss Advised."
Emily, this has got to be a great honor for you. I`m sure Dr. Ruth has informed your career in many ways. Tell me how.
EMILY MORSE, SEX EXPERT: Absolutely. I`m so honored to be here with Dr. Ruth. I have to say she was one, she`s a cultural icon in the area around sex and relationships and she was the first person who made talking about sex OK in our culture.
So I definitely am a huge fan and I`m honored to be here with Dr. Ruth. She`s a pioneer.
PINSKY: She really is.
And, Siggy, I`ll ask you the same question.
SIGGY FLICKER, MATCHMAKER: Well, Dr. Ruth is not only my idol. Dr. Ruth, I was born during the Six-Day War and a bomb shelter. So, like you, I have a lot of chutzpah, a lot of courage and conviction. And I`ve learned a lot from you because after my first husband and I got divorced, I got married recently to the lid to my pot, I learned how to be sexually active and actually enjoy my sex life for the first time.
And that I have to say is a lot because I`ve learned so much from you. So I`m also very honored to share today with you.
PINSKY: Dr. Ruth is beaming. I want to get a picture of her right now.
Dr. Ruth, if you want to respond to them quickly. Then we`ll take a quick break and some calls together. Go ahead, Dr. Ruth.
WESTHEIMER: I have to tell you I love what you both said. It`s good I`m wearing a red blouse because I`m blushing. I certainly love it. Good luck to you in your professions.
PINSKY: OK. We`re going to get back to both of you and Dr. Ruth and her chutzpah and more calls.
And, oh, by the way, again, checking in with the storm, too. We`re going to do that later in the show and getting an on-the-ground view of what`s going on there now.
But, first, a quick break.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WESTHEIMER: The Olympic swimmer, Lochte, since he wears that tight swim cap made out of rubber, I hope he puts that rubber -- you know what I`m talking about, condom -- in another place on his anatomy.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY: I know what she`s talking about. It is S&R, sex and relationship Wednesday. And I`m joined by Siggy Flicker, matchmaker, star of "Why Am I Still Single", and Emily Morse, star of "Miss Advised," and, of course, the cultural icon with tons of chutzpah to spare, Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
Ruth, thank you. And speaking of your chutzpah, and I know I`m trying to tread carefully around personal question, but do you mind me sharing that you were actually in the military?
WESTHEIMER: That`s true. But to all your listeners, the word chutzpah means nerve and it also means take a risk.
And, Drew, be careful what you`re asking me. I was a sniper in the Haganah. It was before the Israel defense forces. I can still put five bullets in red circle and throw hand grenades. So be very careful. Even though I`m 82 years old, be careful what you`re asking me.
WESTHEIMER: But this you can know. I`ve never killed anybody, but it wasn`t an act of heroism on my part. Everybody in those years, in the early years of Israel, was in some kind of a military group.
PINSKY: Well, I want to say that I know you never killed anybody until tonight, so if you see a red dot suddenly appear right about here, you know who`s on the other end of that laser, I`m just saying.
PINSKY: So, let`s go to our callers here. Adam in Georgia. Adam, do you have a question for the panel?
ADAM, GEORGIA: Hey. How are you doing? How are you doing, Dr. Drew, Dr. Ruth?
ADAM: Basically, I`m 35, my wife is 35. We`ve been together since I was 18 -- we were both 18, and I`m trying to figure out if it`s healthy for us to watch adult movies together. I mean, we`ve been together so long to where -- I don`t know -- I just feel -- you know, I`m just trying --
PINSKY: It`s a great question, Adam, and I want to throw that to Dr. Ruth. Go ahead.
WESTHEIMER: OK. I hope that every time you make love, before that, you are going to watch some explicit sexual movie, close your bedroom door. Don`t let the children watch. And then I have something else to tell you. Get your wife to buy the three volumes of " Shades of Grey" --
WESTHEIMER: Let her read it first, then you read it. And then you call back Dr. Drew, and you let him know if it helped. OK?
PINSKY: Siggy, you`re having a powerful reaction. Why don`t you ring in also?
SIGGY FLICKER, MATCHMAKER: I`m so in love with this woman.
FLICKER: Dr. Ruth, you`re absolutely right. During my first marriage, I was always afraid of my sexuality. I listened to you, and now, I`m in such a healthy marriage. Well, not only -- and we have four kids. Believe me, the doors are locked. But I embrace my sexuality. I have a glass of wine to relax because the kids are, you know, here.
I`m doing this. I`m working. I`m constantly all over the place. I`ve learned now to take care of myself and relax and once in a while. I do enjoy an adult movie. It puts me in the mood and it makes him very, very happy. And I happen to agree with almost everything that you say.
PINSKY: Emily, do you have a response?
EMILY MORSE, STAR, `MISS ADVISED`: Yes, absolutely. I think the thing about porn is that a lot of women can be turned off by their partners watching porn, but there`s a lot porn for women now. A lot of porn is made for men. It`s what turn men on, but there`s also porn that feels good to women.
And so, if you`re in a couple and you`re thinking about exploiting porn together, why not like go online and see what floats her boat and what turns you on and if you can find some movies you like together.
PINSKY: We had Storm McDaniels (ph) on this show probably about a year ago, and she is a woman that produces porn for women. And she said, I learn from years of working in this business that men want to see people have sex. Women want to know, why those two people like each other so much that they want to have sex?
PINSKY: Sounds about right.
PINSKY: Andrea in Connecticut -- Andrea.
ANDREA, CONNECTICUT: Hi, Dr. Drew.
ANDREA: Hi, Dr. Ruth. I have a question about celibacy and not being married and enjoying a sex life and not feeling guilty afterwards.
PINSKY: Can you be a little more specific, Andrea? Hold on a second. What do -- do you mean you`re having relations with people out in the world or something you`re doing by yourself?
ANDREA: I have a fiance, and because we`re not married and of my moral upbringing and religion, I feel guilty that we`re not married and we`re having sex.
PINSKY: Got it. Ruth, go ahead.
WESTHEIMER: OK. First of all, I`m very glad that you can look that straight in the face and you can say, because of my upbringing and because I was taught differently, I have some worries about it. Put those worries aside. Throw them out the window right now. Say to yourself, I`m in this situation, I`m fortunate, I have a fiance, and I am sexually active, and period.
And don`t let all of those thoughts spoil the ability to have an orgasm and the ability for him to ejaculate and for the two of you to have good sex. I have another idea for you. Put already a date, make a date, when are you getting married, because by that time, you can put all of these worries to bed. So make a date and get married.
PINSKY: There you go. Donald in Pennsylvania -- Donald. Donald?
PINSKY: Donald in Pennsylvania, are you with us?
DONALD, PENNSYLVANIA: Yes. Hello, Dr. Drew. Hello, Dr. Ruth.
PINSKY: There you are. What`s going on, my friend?
DONALD: I have a question for Dr. Ruth or you, whoever, about sex outside the marriage. Me and my wife, we`ve been married for 17 years. It just -- you know, we`re just not sexually compatible anymore. So, we started dating outside the marriage for sex. Is that going to be healthy?
PINSKY: OK. This is a big topic. So, I`m going to let Ruth start.
WESTHEIMER: Let me tell you --
PINSKY: Go ahead, Ruth. You start then I`ll let others.
WESTHEIMER: Dr. Drew. I`m old-fashioned, I`m a square. It does not work in our society. There was a book written by the O`Neils. It was called "Open Marriage." Guess what? By the end of -- while they finish the book, they were divorced. In our culture, it does not work. Somebody is going to get jealous. Somebody is going to fall in love with that other partner, and you`ll be in trouble.
If sex has become routine, make sure you go and see a sex therapist, somebody who can help you to spruce up and make your sex life better. Going looking outside is never going to work in the long run.
PINSKY: And those of us -- yes, I agree. Those of us who work clinically, we don`t see it work. Otherwise, we would recommend it if it worked. What`s something -- you know, would we withhold that if that was something that it was healthy and worked? And by the way, think about it this way.
Ruth and I have been doing combined probably 60 years of talking to people, probably thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people to help them with the complexities of just two people relating. It`s very complicated. It`s very difficult to do and do successfully and well.
Two people. You bring in third, fourth, it becomes ridiculous. We`ve got to take a break. More with Dr. Ruth. Go ahead, Dr. Ruth. Before we finish, go ahead.
WESTHEIMER: And you can`t let boredom be in your bedroom. Kick boredom out of your bedroom.
PINSKY: I`m kicking boredom out, and I`m kicking my viewers out right now for a break. Be right back.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WESTHEIMER: Until you find a partner, don`t just sit there and moan and feel sorry for yourself. Close the door, read some very sexy fantasies, put some sexy music on, and bring yourself to sexual satisfaction.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY: We are going to get into that and more. And a quick tweet here from InWeiner (ph) watching @ask Dr.Ruth is which Dr. Ruth tweeter handle and @DrDrew together, "What a way to prepare dinner and ignore the RNC." How about that?
Well, Dr. Ruth is on the doctors channel with the kind of frank advice that made her famous. And of course, she`s perfect for us, with our motto, "no topic is taboo." Let`s pick up where we left off. I also have Siggy Flicker, matchmaker, and star of "Why am I still single? And Emily Morse star of "Miss Advised." There are the three of those young lovely ladies.
We`re going to go out to a call now. And Emily, I`m going to direct this one to you after I`ve heard from Stephanie. Stephanie, go ahead.
STEPHANIE, INDIANA: Hello. I have a question. I cannot reach orgasm without man manual stimulation when having sex. Is there any tips or answer that you can give me to -- with that question.
PINSKY: We`re going to go to our panel. Emily, you first.
MORSE: I can tell you that there`s nothing -- absolutely nothing wrong with you. A lot of -- I think 70 percent of women need manual stimulation during sex and the clitoral (ph) stimulation. And so, there`s nothing at all wrong with you. You`re doing it all right. And you can even add a sex toy.
You can have your partner be manually stimulating you, but you shouldn`t feel that there`s anything wrong with that, because it`s more common than not that women need to be manually stimulated while they`re having, during the intercourse.
PINSKY: Dr. Ruth, we still have women confused themselves about what the spectrum of normal orgasmic function is in women, don`t we?
WESTHEIMER: We do. We are very fortunate because in this country, in this great country of ours, women have heard the message that a woman has to take responsibility for her orgasms, for her sexual satisfaction. There are women who, for whatever reasons, do not have sexual -- don`t have an orgasm during intercourse but need clitoral stimulation, either (INAUDIBLE) or their own hands or their partner`s hands.
And like you people said, there is nothing wrong with it. It doesn`t matter. And who knows? Just if you take the anxiety away and if you might shift the position, maybe in the female superior position where you or your partner can touch the clitoris at the same time, and then, maybe, sometimes, it will happen that you have an orgasm during intercourse.
It does not matter. What matters is that you are going to be sexually satisfied. That`s what matters. So, don`t worry about it anymore.
PINSKY: Siggy, want to add something to that?
FLICKER: Well, I`d like to just say that, you know, life is not black or white, and it`s not like that in the bedroom. There are not "Fifty Shades of Grey." There are 500 shades of grey. And when you feel like there`s something that you might want to explore -- and I learned this from Dr. Ruth -- you have to have that chutzpah (ph), that courage to take a risk and ask for it.
Because, like when I was insecure about being in the bedroom of just having one position, I`ve learned to explore and ask and know what I like and what I don`t like. So, I think it`s very important to know what you like and not be afraid to ask for it and explore in that direction.
PINSKY: Samantha in Ohio. Samantha, you had a call for us. Samantha?
SAMANTHA, OHIO: Oh, yes. Dr. Drew.
SAMANTHA: Me and my husband have been married nine or ten years, and he doesn`t like satisfy me in the bedroom. I haven`t went out or act upon other things but I fantasize about, like, other ways.
PINSKY: What is the problem? What is he falling -- where is he falling short?
SAMANTHA: He doesn`t want to try anything new. He`s just missionary, the whole thing.
SAMANTHA: He doesn`t satisfy me.
PINSKY: Again, Emily, I`ll start with you.
MORSE: Yes, there`s lots of way -- I mean, first of all, you have to -- does he realize that he doesn`t satisfy you? Because communication is the lubrication. You have to let him know that he`s not satisfying you in the bedroom. I mean, I think that that`s the first thing that you have to talk about it.
But you have to couch it and you do it some things, there`s some things I`d really like to like, I`d really like to try. So, maybe, you bring in a sex toy, you bring in some bondage tape. You have to initiate, just like Dr. Ruth said, women have to take responsibilities, not only for their own orgasms or for their entire sex life and for their entire, you know, ability to enjoy sex. So, I think that you have to talk to him about it and see why.
PINSKY: And Dr. Ruth, I think a lot of men are a little sort of -- I don`t want to say they`re timid. They`re confused about what makes women happy, aren`t they, still?
WESTHEIMER: All right. They don`t even have to say it with words. She just has to take that -- she has to give herself that push to say, I am going to show you, without words, what I need in order to be satisfied. So, I agree with all of you. It can be with a vibrator. It can be by her showing what she needs herself.
But not to go on the negative by saying, you never satisfy me, and I don`t like you, or I`m going to go out some place else. Try first on the positive. If that doesn`t work, go and see a sex therapist. In situations like this, one or two sessions with a sex therapist might be helpful.
PINSKY: Excellent advice.
WESTHEIMER: Tell your husband to come along for -- to do you a favor, to come along.
PINSKY: Thank you, Ruth. Thank you, Siggy Flicker and Emily Morse. I have to say farewell to the two lovely ladies. And Dr. Ruth will stay with me. But first, I`m going to take a break, then go on out back to Louisiana and check in on hurricane Isaac. We have someone on the ground there who`s going to give us a firsthand report live. Be right back.
PINSKY: I promised you, "Our Country Votes." Here we go. As you know, the Republican convention is underway in Tampa. A big mystery guest, apparently, is scheduled to appear tomorrow night. Clint Eastwood, Tim Tebow? We asked who you thought it might be. Some of your guesses included Pearl Jam, Pee-Wee Herman. I think Clint Eastwood is a pretty good bet.
Last night, a CNN iReporter spoke to us, and we got reports from him, but he is now not available because the storm is there hovering over his house. We`re trying to make contact with him right now. I`m going to go to callers, in the meantime.
Charlene in Florida. Charlene, you`ve got something for us?
CHARLENE, FLORIDA: How is it that a child that is very, very young who`s never been molested, never seen anything pornography, never exposed to anything like that has a strong sex drive, knows how to satisfy themselves, and grows up with that?
PINSKY: Charlene, Charlene, Charlene, a child?
CHARLENE: A child --
PINSKY: How old? How old?
CHARLENE: A young child who`s never been abused.
PINSKY: How old?
CHARLENE: As young as the of 2-1/2 or three. And then another child would be, you know, practically frigid at the age of, you know, teens, never even experiencing an orgasm.
PINSKY: Charlene, you`re speaking in very strange ways here. Dr. Ruth, can you make sense of what she`s talking about?
WESTHEIMER: Yes. The one thing that makes me think that the two- year-old absolutely can touch, boy or girl down there and they feel a very nice sensation. And parents should let them touch. Not in public, but in the privacy of their beds or in the bathroom.
That`s really the most important thing in order not to give them a feeling that what feels good, that there`s something wrong with it. So, if a child touches him or herself, just to make sure that in our culture it has to be done in privacy.
PINSKY: Right. And Dr. Ruth, not to shame the kids is a great advice and know that be aware that children, particularly the young girls that grow up in chaotic homes will start doing that typically around the age of four to six as a way of self-soothing. We see that a lot, and patients bring in their kids and say, oh my God, this is going on.
And you find out there`s tremendous amounts of chaos in the home. Kids are just trying to feel better. It`s not a sexual maneuver at that age. And again, don`t shame them. I just want to check with my control room. Do we have any contact with -- OK.
Just a reminder, it was Gerard Braud (ph) who we had last night. We`re trying to get him back on the ground there in Louisiana if we can get it on the ground report. Let`s keep going to calls with Dr. Ruth, though, in the meantime. Cindy in South Carolina -- Cindy.
CINDY, SOUTH CAROLINA: Me and my husband, we`ve been together 12 years, and we`ve opened our relationship up to have sex with other couples at the same time, not an open relationship, and it`s been going great for about a year and a half. What do you predict how our relationship will effect in the future?
WESTHEIMER: I`m not going to predict. I have to tell you, I`m old- fashioned and a square. I`m not going to predict anything for you, but I`m worried. I`m worried about sexually transmitted diseases. And Dr. Drew can talk more about that. And I`m worried about attachments that will form because maybe the sex is better with somebody from that other couple.
And then, it will ruin your relationship. So, I don`t believe that this is going to last. If, in your case, it lasts, have a good time.
PINSKY: That`s exactly right. But I`m very concerned. I`ve never seen it last, and these things usually go down in flames. Now, we`re going to take another break. We`re going to try to reach our caller, our Skype reporter, iReporter in Louisiana during the break. More with Dr. Ruth after the break.
PINSKY: OK. We could not get our iReporter, Gerard Braud (ph), on the ground there in Louisiana. I apologize for that. I think you`re all aware that things are turning out far more serious than even, perhaps, anybody anticipated. The storm is stuck over New Orleans. We will be getting into this in great detail tomorrow.
Fortunately though, we`ve been blessed with Dr. Ruth Westheimer. It has been a privilege and honor. Ruth, the rest of us get older, you stay the same and continue to share your wisdom with us. I wonder, as we go into the final few minutes of the show, if you would leave us with some -- just some final thoughts.
WESTHEIMER: OK. The first thing is, bravo to all of you, that you are keeping on. One thing to make your sexual and your interpersonal relationships the best it can be. And that`s what I think television and all of you and me should be very proud of.
And what we also should be proud of, that we have more and more information that will tell people, don`t worry about being normal, don`t worry that you are not exactly like your neighbor. Do the best you can for yourself, for your partner, and then, you are going to raise healthy, happy children who will be sexually literate.
In the meantime, keep on watching Dr. Drew, and from time to time, I`m going to talk to him, too. Bye!
PINSKY: Dr. Ruth, thank you so much for joining us tonight. Couple of things I`ll just sort of pile on to what you`re saying there, which is a lot of things I`ve dealt with over the years are, in fact, am I normal? I know you must have as well. And, secondly, this is something -- some words for thought that Dr. Ruth has left us with.
You know, as a physician, I, sometimes, am dealing with people who have come to the end of their life or maybe prematurely having their lives terminated for illness, HIV, things like that. And people try to make sense of what the purpose of their life was.
And I will tell you, almost always they come to the same conclusion that it is the important relationships in their life that gave life its deepest meaning. We matter to one another. We affect one another.
Dr. Ruth, thank you for being a part of affecting us in a very positive way for many years. It has been a privilege having you tonight.
WESTHEIMER: Thank you.
PINSKY: And I hope we`ll have you back again soon.
WESTHEIMER: No question.
PINSKY: Thank all of you for watching. Again, I`m going to check in on the Isaac`s storm tomorrow. Keep a good eye on that. Thanks for calling. Thanks for watching. I`ll see you next time. Nancy Grace starts right now.