Patsy Evans and her husband, Jamie Kalven, say the traumatic experience was hard on their family life VIDEO CNN's Anne McDermott talks with couples dealing rape's aftermath Windows Media 28K 80K U.S. rape statistics: Nearly 18 percent of women in the United States -- almost 1 in 5 -- have been raped or have been the victim of an attempted rape, the federal government says. That amounts to 17.7 million American women. More than half of the rape victims said they were under 17 when first raped, according to a survey released last November and commissioned by the Justice and Health and Human Services departments.

August 11, 1999
Web posted at: 8:52 a.m. EDT (1252 GMT)

In this story: 'I don't expect that the haunting will ever stop' 'Talk about yourself. Spill it' RELATED STORIES, SITES

LOS ANGELES (CNN) -- Rape. Women used to not talk about it if it happened to them. Their husbands and boyfriends tried not to even think about it, assuming they stuck around.

But times have changed and so have attitudes.

Some couples now choose to talk openly of the terror and its aftermath. As they share their stories, sometimes providing chilling details, the aim is to show how -- in the midst of a potentially family-dividing experience -- relationships can be maintained.

After Patsy Evans' 1988 rape, her husband, Jamie Kalven, wrote "Working With Available Light: A Family's World After Violence," a guide, of sorts, for other couples determined to survive the trauma together.

What the family endured was "like being shipwrecked," Kalven said.

Although he, his wife and their children have come to terms with what happened over a decade ago, the "violence continues over time," Kalven told CNN. "It's not over when he zips up his pants."

"I don't expect that the haunting will ever stop," Evans said.

Counseling and simply talking can help someone who's been raped. But that's not how Betty Liebert handled it.

"I handled it by not handling it at all," she frankly admitted.

Liebert hid her rape from her husband, Kim, for a year and a half, until she could keep silent no longer.

They worked it out -- getting a guard dog helped -- but things were never the same. "It's like a whole new relationship," said Kim Liebert. "You're starting over again. I was willing to do that. A lot of men aren't."

Betty Liebert says a 'bear hug' from her husband Kim helped her finally admit the rape 171K/16 sec. AIFF or WAV sound

Patricia Weaver Francisco's marriage broke up after her rape. "The strain was too much," said Francisco, the author of "Telling: A Memoir of Rape and Recovery.''

Experts say rape doesn't necessarily break up marriages, but it doesn't help wobbly ones.

"Talk about yourself. Spill it," Francisco advises women who've been attacked.

Francisco is getting married again next month.

Life goes on. But the memory of the rapes will never go away.

Asked if she ever looks behind her, Evans replied, "Oh yeah, often."

Correspondent Ann McDermott contributed to this report.

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