- Writer proposes a peace treaty for "fanboys" of Apple, Samsung products
- Under the modest proposal, Apple lovers would cease citing $1 billion lawsuit win
- Samsung loyalists, in turn, would stop mocking Apple devotees' habit of lining up for everything
- Both parties reserve the right to mock Windows, BlackBerry
On an historic autumn day in 2012, online warriors from both sides of the epic Apple-Samsung feud agreed to set aside their powerful smartphones and resolve their tensions, which had grown intolerable. What follows is the HTML version of their agreement, the Cupertino-Seoul Apple-Samsung Fanboy Treaty.
WHEREAS, the respective Parties, the Apple Fanboys (also known as "Apple Fanbois," "Fanb0yz," "iPhoners" or simply "The Mac Faithful," among many other names) and the Samsung Fanboys (also known as "Apple H4terz," "Galaxians" or "Androiders") seek a lasting peace, both online and off, and...
WHEREAS, online forums, queues for new products and technology blogs have become polluted with smack talk, useless feature comparisons and Photoshopped ads meant to deride and belittle each other's device preference, and...
WHEREAS both sets of Parties recognize that a competitive market is both critical and necessary for continued technological innovation to benefit all, especially early adopters...
NOW, THEREFORE, the Parties agree to abide by the agreements herein, enumerated in the terms of the articles set forth below:
Apple Fanboys agree not to keep bringing up the August 2012 $1 billion patent verdict against Samsung as a way of trying to squelch any disagreement over who may have copied what, recognizing that the case covered a limited scope of features. Samsung Fanboys will similarly cease efforts to end all arguments by discussing "Open" versus "Closed" platforms, accepting that there are numerous advantages and disadvantages to each.
Apple Fanboys won't list how many apps are available for iOS (more than 700,000, since the treaty brought it up) on every message board about app development while Samsung Fanboys will minimize cross-Party discussion of expandable SD-card memory, replaceable batteries, screen size, NFC technology or how Android's notifications are still way better than Apple's, even after Notification Center was added to iOS and Mac OS X.
Both Parties will agree that Widgets, often touted as a selling point by Samsung Fanboys, are actually kinda dumb, but then so is Apple's "Podcast" app, which is just absolutely the worst. Apple Fanboys acknowledge that Animated Wallpaper would be a nice feature to have while Samsung Fanboys admit that late at night, they sometimes wake up screaming from nightmares about product upgrade fragmentation across the Android platform.
Apple Fanboys vow to stop taking the words of Steve Jobs (RIP) about going thermonuclear on Google over Android as personal marching orders. Samsung Fanboys agree to share some of the 50 Gigabytes of Dropbox storage that came with their Galaxy S3 phone and to let Apple Fanboys play around with the Swype keyboard feature whenever it is requested.
Both Parties agree to a complete and immediate ban on mocking in the following manner: Apple Fanboys will no longer pick up a Samsung Note device and hold it up to their ear, shouting, "HELLO!? I THINK THIS PHONE IS TOO BIG FOR MY FACE!" Samsung Fanboys likewise agree to stop posting images online of people holding up iPads to take photos, superimposed with the word "FAIL" on the image.
Samsung Fanboys agree to immediately boycott and disown television commercials making fun of Apple customers standing in line. Apple Fanboys, in exchange, promise to stop treating iPhone and iPad launch days like a national holiday or, Steve Jobs forbid, like the Woodstock of their generation.
The oath to be taken by both Apple and Samsung Fanboys upon ratification of this peace treaty shall be in the following form: "I ....... do solemnly swear allegiance to all sleek, cutting-edge, full-featured mobile devices, be they made by Apple or by manufacturers of Android-based products. Should I feel the need to criticize, boast by comparison or complain about a product that rivals the one I own and use, such Internet-based venom will be directed at a third-party target [namely Windows mobile or, ha ha, BlackBerry users. LAME.]."
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the respective Parties sign this Treaty by digital signature or QR Code, then Tweet a link for all to see.
BY AGREEMENT OF BOTH PARTIES, war between Apple and Samsung Fanboys is declared to have terminated October, 2012.