11 patently absurd patents

Published 0958 GMT (1758 HKT) December 11, 2013
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They say necessity is the mother of invention, but some of these are making us think twice.

Click the arrows at the side of the picture or the thumbnails below to scroll through 11 of the most mind-boggling inventions ever submitted to the U.S. patent office.

By Lucas Reilly, for Mental Floss
1. "ANIMAL-TRAP" Mousetraps can be so anticlimactic, but this one goes off with a bang. An 1882 patent, the frame is designed to hold your favorite peashooter. When a rodent steps onto the treadle, a spring yanks on the trigger and sets off the firearm. The inventor, James Williams, suggested it would make a good burglar alarm. GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
2. "FLATULENCE DEODORIZER" Confidently cut the cheese with this 2001 invention, which masks the smell of your personal potpourri. A simple charcoal pad clings to the back of your underpants, stopping the aroma before it reaches your boss' nose. Benjamin Franklin would be proud. GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
3. "APPARATUS FOR PREVENTING COLLISIONS OF RAILWAY TRAINS" It's like a scarecrow—but for trains. Patented in 1888, J. W. James' invention features an electric dummy riding in front of the train. The dummy is "made to throw up both hands at each revolution of the wheel and strike the gong with a hammer for the purpose of frightening cattle from the track and to announce the approach of the train," James wrote. GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
4. "FRESH-AIR BREATHING DEVICE AND METHOD" Smoke inhalation causes most fire-related deaths. Knowing that, William Holmes found out how to keep you conscious while you wait for rescue—as long as you can handle having toilet breath. Holmes patented a snorkel-like device that supplies fresh air from your sewer. Just feed the tube past your throne's water trap. Although you won't die from a lungful of smoke, but you might get woozy after huffing all that sewer gas. GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
5. "WEARABLE DEVICE FOR FEEDING AND OBSERVING BIRDS" As long as you're okay with hanging a few birdfeeders from your dome, you can get a front row seat to all the action. David Leslie patented the contraption in 1999. Apparently, it's also handy for butterfly hunting. GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
6. "GRAFFITI PREVENTION APPARATUS" Henry Hunt called graffiti "an assault on the visual pleasures of man." So in 1997, he patented a system that could kill the career of any wannabe Banksy. When a vandal approaches a potential canvas, a sensor embedded in the wall activates a magnetic field to repel the paint. The problem? Spray paint isn't magnetic. GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
7. "MOTORCYCLE SAFETY APPAREL" Dismayed by how dangerous motorcycle crashes can be, Dan Kincheloe patented an inflatable safety suit in 1987. Basically an airbag for your body, the suit has an "umbilical cord" that connects to a supply of compressed gas. When a biker flies off, a shorter pull cord snaps that rapidly inflates the suit. Pro? It could save your life. Con? You'll look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
8. "PROCESS FOR THE UTILIZATION OF RUMINANT ANIMAL METHANE EMISSIONS" Forget windmills and solar panels. Harness the beautiful power of cows! Ruminant animals—which have four stomachs—account for 20 percent of the world's methane emissions. (Most of that methane doesn't come from their behinds, actually. They exhale and burp it out.) To harness all that lost gas, Markus Herrema patented a bovine gas collector in 2006. The gas is channeled to a chamber full of methane-loving microorganisims, which can be used later in "nutritional foodstuff or . . . other useful products, such as adhesive or cosmetics." GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
9. "IMPROVEMENT IN VEHICLES" If cow power isn't your thing, go to the dogs. In 1875, Parisian inventor Narcisse Hueet patented the "cynophere," a dog-powered velocipede. Hueet wrote, "My invention contemplates the employment of dogs or other animals, working within a cage or cages, forming part of the wheels of the vehicle to be propelled," Strangely, the French Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals gave his invention a thumbs up. GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
10. "APPARATUS FOR FACILITATING THE BIRTH OF A CHILD BY CENTRIFUGAL FORCE" If the thought of childbirth makes you dizzy, look away. This will make it worse. In 1965, George and Charlotte Blonsky patented a turntable that gives pregnant women an, um, extra push. The mother-to-be is strapped onto the turntable, which spins fast enough that G-forces help ease the baby out. A "pocket-shaped reception net" catches the newborn and triggers the machine to stop. (But in case that doesn't work, there's a handbrake!) GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY
11. "DOUBLE BICYCLE FOR LOOPING THE LOOP" "Yo, dawg. I heard you like bicycles, so I put a bicycle on a bicycle so you can stay upright while you go upside down." Patented in 1905 by Kael Lange. GOOGLE PATENTS/ERIN MCCARTHY