I was an accomplice to my brother's suicide

Erin Schwantner, Special to CNN

Updated 1428 GMT (2228 HKT) May 3, 2014

Evan Schwantner in October 2006, during his senior year of high school. "This is the Evan I choose to remember ... the happy Evan, the Evan before mental illness took over his beautiful mind and carefree spirit," author Erin Schwantner says of her brother.
Photos: 'We inherited his suffering'
'We inherited his suffering' – Evan Schwantner in October 2006, during his senior year of high school. "This is the Evan I choose to remember ... the happy Evan, the Evan before mental illness took over his beautiful mind and carefree spirit," author Erin Schwantner says of her brother.
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A cherished memory: Schwantner and her brother on a helicopter ride over Maui on a 2005 family vacation.
Photos: 'We inherited his suffering'
'We inherited his suffering' – A cherished memory: Schwantner and her brother on a helicopter ride over Maui on a 2005 family vacation.
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Evan was the anchor leg on the mile relay team at his high school. This photo was taken in 2006.
Photos: 'We inherited his suffering'
'We inherited his suffering' – Evan was the anchor leg on the mile relay team at his high school. This photo was taken in 2006.
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Evan and his sister at his high school graduation, 2007.
Photos: 'We inherited his suffering'
'We inherited his suffering' – Evan and his sister at his high school graduation, 2007.
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Evan uploaded this image to his Facebook account late one night in December 2008.
Photos: 'We inherited his suffering'
'We inherited his suffering' – Evan uploaded this image to his Facebook account late one night in December 2008.
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Evan with his dog Koby in 2009, when Evan moved back home from college so the family could better take care of him. After Evan's death, Koby got very sick and died less than a year later. "It was a helpless feeling to watch the dog suffer and was somewhat of a reminder of Evan's suffering and our inability to help him," Schwantner said.
Photos: 'We inherited his suffering'
'We inherited his suffering' – Evan with his dog Koby in 2009, when Evan moved back home from college so the family could better take care of him. After Evan's death, Koby got very sick and died less than a year later. "It was a helpless feeling to watch the dog suffer and was somewhat of a reminder of Evan's suffering and our inability to help him," Schwantner said.
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In June 2012, Schwantner and her parents traveled to San Francisco to participate in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's annual <a href="http://theovernight.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donordrive.home" target="_blank">Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk</a>, an 18-mile walk through the city.
Photos: 'We inherited his suffering'
'We inherited his suffering' – In June 2012, Schwantner and her parents traveled to San Francisco to participate in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's annual Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk, an 18-mile walk through the city.
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Erin Schwantner keeps the photo of her and her brother after his high school graduation on her desk at work.
Photos: 'We inherited his suffering'
'We inherited his suffering' – Erin Schwantner keeps the photo of her and her brother after his high school graduation on her desk at work.
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Story highlights

  • Evan Schwantner took his life in 2010 at age 20
  • He was living with depression, his family said
  • His sister, Erin Schwantner, is devoted to raising awareness about the warning signs
  • Got a personal essay to share? Post it on iReport

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Erin Schwantner, a public relations professional in Seattle, first shared her brother's story on CNN iReport. She runs a blog, 4 The Love of Evan, to bring meaning to his life and educate others about the warning signs of suicide.

(CNN)"Funny, happy people do not kill themselves. It doesn't make sense."

That's usually what people say. "They were such a bright light ... the life of the party." I know, because I used to say these things about my brother, Evan.
    Now I know better.
      Four years ago, just a few weeks shy of his 21st birthday, Evan ended his life with the intention of forever ending his pain. And I am left with blood on my hands. My misconceptions about suicide have made me an accomplice.
      I thought his inability to deal with reality and grow up, or to get over a girlfriend, contributed to his suffering. But I was wrong; a character flaw or single traumatic event didn't lead him to taking his own life. Evan was battling an internal monologue on a daily basis.
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      Erin Schwantner hosted the opening ceremony at the 2012 Out of the Darkness walk in Olympia, Washington.