Editor’s Note: Each week in “Apparently This Matters,” CNN’s Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media and random items of interest on the Web.
A virtual version of Denmark was created in the "Minecraft" game
"Cyber vandals" snuck into virtual Denmark, set off virtual dynamite and raised U.S. flags
Virtual Denmark has since been repaired
I once stayed at a youth hostel in Copenhagen called Sleep in Heaven. Which sounds quite pleasant until you realize that, apparently, heaven is cold and damp and completely infested with bedbugs.
I guess that’s the part they don’t tell you in Sunday school.
“No, no. It’s great. Nothing to worry about. Beautiful white robes. Big puffy clouds. Probably a salad bar.”
But there were none of those. Just bed bugs.
Something was rotten in the state of Denmark.
The next day, bitten and disgusted, I literally ran to catch a train to Berlin and haven’t had pleasant thoughts about that country since.
This was back in 2003. The tortured memories persist and still haunt my dreams.
Which is why, the other day, almost eleven years later, I was delighted to learn that the United States finally invaded Denmark, set it on fire, and raised the American flag.
Here’s what happened.
There’s a wildly popular computer game called “Minecraft” where, as best I understand it, players build highly imaginative environments and constructions using 3D cubes. It’s sort of like a modern, digital-version of Lego, but without the risk of waking up the neighbors when you step barefoot on a wayward block.
“Harold, I think Paul next door is constipated again.”
“Mark it on the chart, Diane.”
Now, I’ve never actually played this game because I’m a grown man with far more important things to do like tweeting and running my pretend fantasy football sports dynasty.
So, to the millions of fine people who play “Minecraft,” I sincerely apologize for oversimplifying your beloved game. It’s all just too complicated, for I have six functioning brain cells, and five of them are dedicated to breathing and blinking.
But, from what I can tell, part of the fun in “Minecraft” is creating these new virtual worlds and exploring those of others. And it’s also a way to re-imagine worlds that already exist.
So, the Danish government sanctioned the creation of a replica version of their country within “Minecraft” to use as a progressive teaching tool for schoolchildren, educating them about Denmark’s geography.
Really, it was a wonderfully creative and virtuous idea.
Thus, cyber vandals promptly decided to blow it up.
Somehow, these vandals were able to infiltrate virtual Denmark while sneaking in virtual dynamite, at which point they virtually demolished parts of virtual Copenhagen.
What’s interesting is that the use of this virtual dynamite was actually banned on the Danish server. But the ever-cunning vandals discovered they could sneak it in inside a virtual mining cart.
Which is both amazing and ridiculous .. that it should come to this.
But through their virtual sneak attack invasion, the vandals proudly constructed virtual American flags all over town, and built virtual signs reading: AMERICA.
(Forgive me for a moment as I cue some Lee Greenwood and dab these red, white, and blue tears of pride rolling down my cheeks.)
Initially, it was believed that the virtual damage was virtually catostraphic and virtually widespread. However, Chris Hammeken, an actual spokesperson from the Danish Geodata Agency, explained to the BBC, “Only a minor area was destroyed.”
There was no official word on whether or not a virtual Sleep In Heaven youth hostel was annihilated in the process.
I guess a man can dream.
Though the Danish Geodata Agency was quickly able to fully “repair” the “destruction,” there was no fixing the psychological damage. Soon after the attack, images appeared on a “Minecraft” forum, and Denmark’s defeat had officially gone public. And viral.
Now, understand that I’m not an outwardly patriotic individual. But, despite the fact that – all kidding aside – Denmark really is a beautiful country with incredibly happy, intelligent, and peaceful citizens, I have to admit that, upon reading about this I felt a rather large twinge of U.S.A. pride.
The whole thing was just so absurd and wonderfully American.
Oh, that it should come to this.
Follow @JarrettBellini on Twitter.